About relative insisting on splitting the bill?

[Beachdays13]

Where do people stand on splitting the bill? Because I’m not sure if I’m being the tight one here.

I have a relative and when we go out for meals he always insists on splitting the bill between everyone. I’ll explain a couple of the scenarios.

So once we went for a meal, there was around 10 people. I was pregnant so not drinking and had my (then 4yo) ds with me. Ds didn’t have his own meal he just shared a bit of mine and my husbands food.

A lot of people had a few alcohol drinks each, starters, sides. At the end of the meal relative announced we would split the bill equally including for my ds who hadn’t even had his own meal. It was a birthday so I felt I didn’t want to ruin the mood by saying no.

A few years later another birthday meal. Dh and I went without our children. We didn’t have drinks or starters, I actually ended up sharing half of my food with my niece because her parents ask if she could share. I didn’t mind because she was being fussy and I know how it can be with kids.

Once again most people had alcohol, starters etc. relative announces that we will split the bill equally, including niece. My nieces parent then pipes up that niece didn’t have anything, but didn’t offer to cover some of my bill. So I ended up paying an equal share even though I had half a meal and a soft drink.

I know I could speak up but this relative doesn’t ask he just announces.

Aibu to think they all sound like cheeky fuckers?

You are going to have to speak up - it's not fair that you are subsidising others who are eating/drinking far more. And having to split the bill for your DS who didn't even have a meal is crazy.

We usually just split the bill when eating out - but we tend to find that we all order similar, drink a similar amount etc. If one person isn't drinking, we reduce their share to allow for this, which often ends up at around the cost for their food only, and we cover their soft drinks. But if anyone wanted to just pay their own, no-one would take offence. Just tell whoever says 'lets's just split the bill' that it doesn't work for you and you'll pay your own.

Well, your niece's parents have shown you what to say in future: my DC didn't order, so let's split between <x> instead.

But otherwise, I'd suck it up to be honest. I hate people being fussy about bill-splitting. Just make it clear you are only paying for you/your husband and not a child who didn't order!

"... Yes am shit at being assertive. On occasions where I do be assertive people really don’t like it..."

Who cares if people don;t like it?

And why doesn't your husband speak up if you won't?

I voted YABU because you won't speak up

You need to be firm on this otherwise you end up heavily subsidising everyone else. Tell them on entering the venue and keep a record of what you have ordered and how much. Its easy enough to separate out and just pay for what you consumed.

I cannot imagine sitting there with a table of 10 and someone deciding that my little one who didn't order a meal but ate off of my plate was going to have to pay his/her share. Really, this is pretty pathetic.
I would say "Oi, he didn't have a meal, and also I didn't have a drink or a starter, nor did my DH. Here's what we owe, the rest of you can split if you want!"

As a pp, when you & dh place your order tell the server you want a separate bill from the rest of the table. It won't be an issue. And you can pay & leave when you are ready. If others see you do this, they may also.
Time for CF tightarse to pay his full bill rather than be subsidised by everyone else.

You're paying the wet lettuce tax, it's the money people pay when they don't put their big girl pants on and say what they want.
You need to learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of asserting yourself, the only way you will do this is by pushing through, keep speaking up in situations and after many many times you won't get that awful overthinking feeling in your belly.
Also you said your sister spoke up when her niece didn't eat a meal, what happened? I assume the world didn't end, follow her lead x

Towards the end of the meal, go to the bar or desk and pay for you/your family. Say you need to leave early, if needs be. Then say to him, I’ve paid for us as we need to go soon, and let him split the remainder of the bill however.

I never split the bill. I dont drink and I'm not paying for other people to get pissed. I dont have enough money to subsidise other people. I always ask for my own bill. I might occasionally order additional items for table to share if I'm feeling flush but that's my choice and something I'm controlling. I won't have another person dictate what I'm paying for.

Id say to the relative before and give them x amount to to cover what you and dh will have.

Another one is asking for separate drinks bill

Don’t go for a meal with him. Or better yet, announce that you’ll just be paying for what you ordered, thanks!

This will leave everyone with an even bigger share of the bill and I bet the ones who also didn’t order dessert will jump in line with you to only pay for what they ordered. Cheeky Uncle Bob will be left having to actually fund his own steak and 6 G&Ts.

Remember how your neice's parents spoke up and refused to have her included in the bill splitting, you can do that too. Although it was cheeky of them to have her share your meal and let you pay for it.

I agree with others that you should ask for a separate bill when ordering, if anyone complains simply say that it's unfair for non-drinkers and small eaters to pay the same as everyone else. Sometimes in groups, things equal out over time but it doesn't sound like this happens in your family. I find it easier to speak up on behalf of other people than myself.

It is easier to split it but equally it's not hard to make it fairer. Often I will suggest that people who didn't drink pay for what they had and the rest is split between the drinkers.

You need to take control of the situation and offer a solution that is fairer, given no one else seems to be very considerate.

Do remember to add a tip if paying your bill separately, though.

I’m not a fan of equal bill splitting. I don’t drink, so don’t see why I should subsidise other people’s alcohol. If I’m getting the £18 pasta dish, I don’t see why I should pay towards someone’s £30 steak. I just say it though when the bill comes. “I’ve not had wine so I’ll just pay for my food.” To be honest though, everyone in my friendship groups are pretty good for this, don’t have anyone who orders a steak, two sides, a dessert and a full bottle of wine, and then insists on an equal split. Must be lucky with the friends I have! What we usually tend to do is, one person pays (to avoid all the time consuming faffing at the restaurant), takes a photo of the receipt, puts it on the WhatsApp group, and we all transfer our share later that night/the next day. Never had issues with this method.

Well said. You're not wrong, but nothing will change unless you speak up. You say he doesn't ask, just announces. But you can do the same. If he says, "We'll split the bill equally," just say, "My family only had X and Y (which is half the cost of what you're suggesting), so we'll just pay for that, thanks."

Why don’t the children in the family ever get their own meals? Sorry if I’m missing something glaring but the first time your DS (who was 4 so not a baby) shared your food, next time you shared with your niece… You said this was because her parents had spicy food so she couldn’t share with them. Is there a reason she couldn’t have had a mild meal of her own?

Sorry but yabu here, no one is a mind reader! I am often the organiser of big group meals and am a fan of splitting the bill equally for groups as its often easier than working out what everyone has had. I am busy enjoying my own meal and dont keep tabs on who has eaten and drunk what, but on occasions where someone says 'I wasnt drinking/I didnt have a starter/my Child didnt order' I will of course make adjustments for that as most normal people would. It sounds like they were happy to accomodate your DN so im sure they would have done the same for you, but you chose not to say anything.

You are an adult, use your voice! No point moaning afterwards when you could have just addressed it there and then. Its not 'cheeky' to split the bill, its just an easy way to settle a big bill imo

And if the restaurant don't want to split bills for a big table just keep track of what you spend and at the end say
"My chicken korma was £17 and my coke was £3.50 so that's just over £20. I'll put in £25 which will well cover a tip. So just subtract my £20 from the total, that's easy enough and then you can divide the rest by 10 people". And put £25 cash on the table.

So they can't argue it's more complicated

Yes of course they do especially when they have been drinking several glasses of expensive wine and eaten steak while you’ve had a glass of the house white and a pasta dish

I know I could speak up but this relative doesn’t ask he just announces.
Next time get in first. Before you order say you need to pay separately for your family. They would have to be incredibly rude to ask why you need to. And make sure your waiter knows the three of you are paying separately.

If your niece wants to share your food, just say you’re really hungry and perhaps her parents, or better still, her grandfather will share with her.

These things are only petty if they are a one off. Once they become regular they are a piss take.

When you order ask for yours on a separate check if you find it hard to speak up.

You're being unreasonable to sit passively, and then complain about it years later on the internet. Use your words.

If you don't want to speak up on the day, have the conversation before hand "I'm only going to be having a small meal so I'll just pay separately". Or go early and just put what you deem to be a fair share on the table to cover/pay at the bar.

But basically, you do need to speak up. If people are decent they will realise it's not fair to get you to pay for a lot more than your food. If they are not decent, then why do their feelings matter more than yours?