AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

OP, if you don't want to divorce and you don't want to rehome any of your pets, you are simply going to have to pay a dogwalker for the evening walks as well. I know you only work 3.5 days a week in order to spend more time with your young son, so it seems to me that the solution is for your DH to pay for the evening walks that he's not there to do. You said he's away 3-4 nights in the week, so it's not like it's five walks a week extra to pay for, every week.

However you do it, find some money for those extra walks.

What if on the days he isn’t working away, you leave, go to your parents and he handles it all. Including going to work.

Until he experiences this type of thing then he doesn’t understand what you want from him .

Do it for several weeks

Only then will he really take on board the problems

This is insane. ‘He sees his children 3-4 nights a week, what more could you want??’
umm. A partner. A partner who is a responsible dad. A partner who shares the load. Soooo much more.

I agree you can't just dump animals because things are hard .lots of folk on here saying remove the dogs .1 it's not easy because removing charities are bursting at the seems just now because of the morons during covid and like some folk here life is difficult so dump the pets attitude ....I would talk to him about how to manage better because quitting is not an option

I get it. It's not fair, and he could change that.

But if he won't listen to you when you're married, what makes you think he'll be reasonable if you divorce?

It could be you 24/7 with a small child and 5 pets. You can't bank on him looking after any of them.

Does he love the dogs as much as you?

You sound horrified at the very practical suggestion of giving them up. Would he feel the same? If he knew you were having to look at rehoming the pets because you don't have enough help with your child, would that make him rethink?

The situation isn't sustainable, but there aren't many levers to move here.

Personally, if I couldn't get him to realise what pressure he was putting on me and give a damn, I'd be looking at divorce and reluctantly rehoming the pets. One woman only has so much energy to give.

I agree that a job has a mental load, as does being the sole or main breadwinner. There is a mental load for the OP’s DH being the main earner and for his job. But there is a mental load to OP’s job and being a 30% breadwinner as well. The mental load on her DH of his job does not sound so unevenly placed on him that he gets to get close to zero household mental load.

Agree, a huge number of men have the attitude that the solution to the problem of these household tasks is just don’t do them.

A PP suggested this.

In general, far more men don’t care or care far less about the consequences of not doing these tasks than women do. They care less about the impact on their children, their finances, their home’s cleanliness. They would rather see the tasks not done than bother to do them themselves — and they just let the children live with it.

Of course it’s not unreasonable to be resentful in these situations.

OP’s partner seems to have found a way to check out 3-4 days a fortnight and give himself several nights off as part of a promotion he did not have to take. He took it directly at her expense. As a PP said, he reaps all the benefits in exchange for leaving his wife struggling with all the negative consequences.

He is being lazy. Lazy and indifferent to her pain.

Of course she’s unhappy.

Absolutely I would. Pets are just random animals that I happen to enjoy, and that make me feel good by being a vessel for my love. But they're just animals. I would kill a million puppies to save one random human, let alone the humans in my life. And I most certainly would give up my pets before splitting with my OH.

You sound totally overwhelmed and stressed understandably. Even if your husband were home would he help to walk the dogs or do the cleaning? If not then him being away isnt the real issue. 3 dogs is a lot of work on its own let alone with a toddler, worry about parents, stressful job and day to day chores. Make a list and ask yourself what can you do to alleviate some pressure? maybe rehome dogs, employ a cleaner, pay babysitter so you can do something for yourself or a night for you and your husband to go out together. Life is too short to live under such stress. the years go by too quickly. good luck

OP, you can leave him if you want to. You don't need to explain or justify it.

Just be aware though, that as a single parent, it might not be easier. You may still carry the mental load, but have less childcare, less time to run your business, and have less financially. It's very difficult (i'm saying this as a lone parent). As mad as it is, in Britain no one enforces one parent to pay for their child or to lookafter their own kids (just look at cms threads). If he is selfish and a liar, you've got a battle ahead of you.

100% agree there is a mental load from the OP’s job and that she is likely carrying more overall.

But the list the Op has written out - there are items on that lists that take seconds, there is no proportion around anything. Making sure a 3 year old is “sufficiently hydrated” unless you live in a very hot country this isn’t a huge chore. You give drinks with meals, and he is old enough to ask for a drink. “Weather appropriate clothing” again deciding to take a raincoat & wellies - not a huge task. And buying a raincoat for a toddler is the cutest thing ever.

Saying I’m the only person who does the mortgage & bills - fair enough. Describing every tiny task to do with a toddler in very weighty, negative language like “safe foods” instead of favourite foods or snacks he likes - I would reflect on that.

Agreed. This thread will close soon and OP has probably walked away from it but I think if she’s still reading, she needs to consider how any of the “‘mental load” she feels under right now would ease following divorce. The small list of jobs attributed to her DH would all fall back onto her. It’s highly unlikely he’d have DC 50:50- most do not, his current job also wouldn’t easily accommodate for this.

I also think you’re guilty of stressing over minor every day normal parent things. You have one child who I’m sure can be incredibly testing at times but just one, not six. You don’t need to sit worrying about developmental milestones or “safe foods”, just enjoy him while he’s small.

Divorce the guy if you hate him, life’s too short to stick around in a miserable marriage you feel is no longer serving you. Don’t expect life to magically get easier if you do though, that’s all.

And she wants to reduce her hours at work!

Echoing those saying end it. Financial abuse, lies, 51 and with another child to someone else… that’s all without the working away issue.

Life is too short OP.

It's the list of perfectly normal things. Things that take seconds, things that happen annually not daily. Sharing household tasks is what couples should do. It seems that it has to be elevated to being overly difficult and time consuming.
As others have said, if I had made a similar list then yes it would have been a long list, but most of us just call it life.
And I will make the point that today we can do most things on the internet, we don't have to trawl shops or queue endlessly in different places to pay bills. We have labour saving devices, life is really much better today in that respect. I just wonder sometimes if giving it the name of mental load isn't making the situation worse.

If my relationship was as rocky as yours sounds I wouldn’t be leaving my job as I would figure the job woyld last longer than the relationship. You have too many dependents and value your dogs over your husband. Getting dogs when one person works away is silly.

He just got a promotion so even if he got another job i highly doubt it would be as high paying meaning she would probably have to work more to cover the deficit, meaning even more work for her, which i assume the point of this thread was to lessen the load. people are suggesting to rehome the dogs as it was one of the things OP was complaining about having to deal with while DH was away so that was a logical solution to her days being made easier.
Obviously there is a big difference between children and dogs so that comment is ridiculous.

She got 3 dogs before she became pregnant.

I don't think this is about dogs. She has a dogwalker. She works from home. The dogs are not the issue.

The issue is she doesn't want to have the responsibility of looking after their son on her own for half the week.

Many couples work long hours, spend time away, and still have a happy marriage.

My DP worked long hours and until our children were older, they were in bed by 6 -7pm and he didn't see them much at all in the evenings.

This is really common .

What we don't know is if he has taken this job to avoid seeing his son or if he's taken it because it pays the bills better than his other job and allows OP to work part time.

If they split up she would have to work longer hours, do everything herself and it would be far worse in terms of the time she has to herself.

Agree. This promotion may have been the only option and we don't know whether he may have gone for this knowing that his existing role was being cut.
The OP mentions it's sales and that he could get another job easily, but is that really the case? Maybe they live somewhere with more job opportunities but unless perhaps looking into temp jobs through a recruitment agency, where I live the job market is dire. There is very little and all for minimum wage.

The other unknown is at what age did he leave his previous family/child and how old is that child now. @Poptart22 says if they did separate he would definitely want to share seeing their child as he does with his first, but could there be something in it that he doesn't like being around children (hence the failure of his first relationship) and the reason for him now working away, especially during the early years.

While @Poptart22 has said she already changed her job, I am not sure why now she is running her own business this can't be 5 full days and use the free childcare hours for nursery, therefore freeing up elderly grandparents and also preventing evening work.

@Poptart22 Have you had a serious conversation with your H where you say you're considering divorce?

This is your next step.

Because you need to make this 'real'. If you split up, will the house be sold? Where will you live with a toddler , 3 dogs and cats? How will the finances work?
As you're self employed, you will have to prove you can afford a mortgage with your accounts etc.

You son may have to go to nursery 5 days a week so you can work more.
Presumably now when you see your clients in the evening, you have a babysitter? Your parents or someone else?

There's a lot to think about and you need to sit down with your H and discuss this properly.

While OP has said she already changed her job, I am not sure why now she is running her own business this can't be 5 full days and use the free childcare hours for nursery, therefore freeing up elderly grandparents and also preventing evening work.

I agree and I'm wondering what her business is if it necessitates visiting clients in the evening.

I assume it's something very hands-on that can't be done remotely. And of course she can call the shots like ' I don't work evenings, sorry.'

It seems an odd choice of work given she has a 3 year old and has chosen to do evening work when surely she could make up those hours with daytime clients.

Agree 💯
The OP has a mental load (I would suggest most women hold this load in the relationships) but she seems to be overwhelmed by it so needs her husband to take some of the load off. There's plenty of things he can take over easily (insurance, bills, mot amongst others). But a significant issue is that a lot of what the OP calls mental is literally just life and shouldn't be so stressful.

• monitoring child's wakes.... its a phase that toddlers go through and won't be forever
• child hydration... I've never considered this a mental load. You just give the kid a drink 🙄

Not everything is an ordeal. Some.things the DH needs to take over but other things aren't mental load...they are a stressed OP over exaggerating.

The LOAD list is crazy. I gave up halfway through.

It's life.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned (that I can see) is how keen her H was for a baby. It was a 'surprise' after the IVF and at 47/48 he was always going to be a older father.

If he's resenting late fatherhood it's too late now to change his mind, but the whole situation needs an honest discussion.

Like other posters, I'm wondering how old his other children are and how often he sees them?

A lot of the mental load is animal related and having 6 animals when you both have demanding jobs and neither of those jobs involve being a farmer or gamekeeper or kennel owner is daft.