AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

There is another option OP. Simply quit your marriage but not leave it. Treat your husband like an annoying housemate who also happens to be the father of your child. Stop doing anything for him. You are basically a single mother who co-parents part of the week. So may as well act like it. That may also help with the understandable resentment.

Here is a thought piece on quiet quitting when you can’t leave.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/maybe-its-time-to-quiet-quit-your

Ive caught up with all the posts after making my last one

Wtf is wrong with people. The husband took on the dogs as much as the OP but she is the only one making sure they are properly and responsibly taken care of. The husband turned everything on its head by taking a job involving a lot of travel leaving a household of responsibility for the OP to pick up!!

It doesnt matter if you think 3 dogs is too many, the DH knew he had them and still chose to take a job working away and knew the workload would shift to his partner. He is the one not listening to his partner when she says this job is causing to much pressure at home when he's gone. The household they took on together worked fine before he unilaterally took a job involving travel and refuses to work elsewhere.

The responses the OP has been getting are beyond vile.

I wouldn't rehome a much love family pet (or three) either.

This is incredibly selfish of your DH. So what if he provides 2/3 of the bills, OP is providing more the 2/3 of everything else that the DH signed up for as well as 1/3 of the bills. Bringing home a paycheck is the easiest part of providing for a household.

It would be different if he was looking and not finding anything.

He is point blank refusing to consider changing his work to be more present. That’s the issue.

I have to do stuff harder than this at work every single day. I have to remember that so so is away on the 10th etc etc Basic organisational stuff like booking a meeting room which takes about 20 emails on top of my work. People in surgeries have to make huge decisions in seconds, as do people on trading floors. I’ve had to act in jobs to clients as if I had all the answer when the questions were v complex and my boss was too useless to help me. I’ve had type a bosses, useless bosses etc etc

All of it was many many times more difficult than the day to day stuff in having a child. I have a wall calendar, if I bag gets forgotten I drop it in.

It is work and it can be tiring but it is not in the greater scheme of things that hard!

Did you not read OPs posts. He took a job to be away more after they committed to the dogs and kids.

And lied about the amount of travel it would entail.

She did not say wfh. But he works away from home staying in hotels. 3/4 nights a week.

I'm a single parent household. The mental load of being the higher (only) earner is sweet fuck all compared to the mental load of managing the house.

I also do all of that mental load for my household... kids and stepkid! It's called being a parent. The OPs child is in nursery or with grandparents 3 days a week and she isn't working all those hours...

The majority of the mental load is recurring and whether you have a partner or not it'd still be there.

Again, as I've repeatedly suggested that they need to sit down together and come up with a plan to alleviate all this.

Being a parent, not being a mother

Shes also said he made a choice to take this job, playing down how often he'd be away and for no real extra money. But keep justifying his choices whilst trashing hers even though shes the one pulling her weight. God forbid a mans choices are questioned huh?

In your circumstances I’d divorce not because of the job but because he doesn’t care that making his life easier has made yours harder.

The husband is buying his peace off the back of his wife’s burnout and couldn’t care less. He doesn’t care about her in the slightest and that would push me to quit the marriage.

Remember to do it, finding time to fit it in to your working day and making your list of go to gifts are all part of the mental load too.

And when you add in all of those "little" 2 minute jobs and actually remembering to do them, thats when the load gets harder. If you are the only person in a partnership doing this, particularly if you both work (either paid or caring/house responsibilities), it does add up.

Buying one amazon gift one time and comparing that to the actual mental load of work/house/kids/pets/partner/extended family is a straw man argument.

So if DH doesn’t bring home a pay check, it’s easily fixed then? Because it’s so easy?

Hands on dad?! A phrase never used about women. Lets hope OP doesn't go for a job that would take her away from the family too huh?

Same as we rarely talk about men carrying the “mental load” of a job.

Or an OP’s perspective on her situation is challenged which might actually be better for her than egging her on to end up divorced sharing custody with less money and probably needing to work when she does have her child.

If OP walks away and leaves him to look after his family alone, would that be so easy for him to fix? Do you get on your knees for all people who work, or just the men?

But in this case her husbands choice of job is a direct cause. They were fine before and fine when he is home.

Ahh you want women to be doormats? She's deeply unhappy and your solution is to tell her its all her fault and she needs to be grateful for Mr Big Bollcks because u has a job?

Be thankful he’s got a job and he’s not a lazy bum. There are a lot of them around.

Take a breath and sort it out calmly and amicably between yourselves.

There’s usually two sides to every story.

Yea, if you read my post before this my ex DH pulled a similar stunt, took a long distance lorry job without discussion turning our entire household on its head, and shifting from us both having satisfying jobs, quality time with the kids, downtime, hobbies and equal spending money to him having all of those and me having none. Marriage did not survive, and im now thriving in single parent household and me going to work and getting a paycheck is literally the easiest part of parenting and running a house. Its balancing everything else thats the hard part.

And youre being dramatic saying losing his wage would easy fix... he had a job previous to taking this one that did not include travel and allowed him to be availble for all of his home responsibilities. He took this job that has had no benefit to anyone but him and OP has had to change her job TWICE to accommodate this as well as taking on 100% of the work involved with the household responsibilities that used to be split between them both.

🤣 yes because in 2026, no women work do they? I work full time love, what mental load do you think im under? Or is it different because I dont have a big important man's job?

I think those of us who work part time and have a partner who works full time, and are well off enough to use a nursery on days we’re not working have to accept more of the mental load. I don’t expect DH to do meal plans, organise the childcare for the school holidays or sort the family’s Christmas presents because I literally gave up 2 days a week paid work to taker on the extra work at home.
On the subject of your DH not being physically there to assist as he used to, because he misled you re his working arrangement linked to the promotion, he’s out of order and needs to be there for his child.

Single parents leave their children all the time to work, it’s called childcare.

I’ve always worked since I was 16 including when i didn’t want to leave my small kids. And I’m sick of people underplaying how tough work can be. All this “mental load” etc. if you took the admin tasks of a house for a year into a work environment as admin person would be expected to do them as BAU in no time. People make really huge decisions in work every day, that could impact patients, clients, lead to sanction etc. And people act as if forgetting a PE bag is akin to a huge cyber event.

And many people cannot work, but many also chose not to and some people instead of just owning that decision build up the mental load etc. because they don’t want to feel judged or feel lazy.

And that has spilled over into conversations about marriages. Yes, a household has a mental load but so does a job. A job is not the easiest part of supporting a household because without it there wouldn’t be one.

Thank goodness you don't have to pay your utilities by going to the post office or bank and standing in a queue for ages. Or buying your car tax at the post office, having to take all your docs and then realise you've brought the wrong documents. Or having to send a cheque in the post for some service or other. I really don't think people understand how time consuming every day tasks were before the internet enabled us to do them in the comfort of our own home.
And all of the labour saving devices we have now, most of them have become widely available in my lifetime. But somehow there is more of a mental load that when my oldest was a baby. No, sorry it's easier now by far.