AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Half of that list doesn't seem necessary, some of it seems you're overthinking and some things are only yearly or six monthly.

I say this as a mum of 6 children with as many as 70 pets at one point.

No, she’s saying she’s doing it all with another adult who should be doing it with her.

It is just spiteful to accuse her of ‘making a song and dance out of it.’ She isn’t. She’s rightly making song and dance out of being forced into it because someone else won’t.

I find the mental load challenging too and that’s without dogs, kids and a selfish partner to contend with.

She reduced her hours to accommodate her husband’s routine. She cannot increase them when her husband is not around to share the load.

He is being selfish for signing up for responsibilities and then signing up for a job to get out of them while lying to his party. And then when she is burned out due to his unilateral decisions he is not giving a shit.

That’s true!

I don't think OP has suggested this isnt life, but what they seemingly and quite rightly has an issue with is being in a supposed partnership and one person decides not to participate in the same way.

Surely in a 2 parent household it shouldn't all be on one person, thats the only point ive seen OP make and im happy to be corrected if they have said anything other than that?

I dont think again OP has suggested just quitting his job but looking towards finding one that works with family life but he has zero interest in even looking. Considering this was apparently a promotion but it brings in no more money than the old job that was WFH and would have allowed him to share the load, it makes zero sense.

I haven't RTFT but I have read your posts. 😇

I KNOW I'm probably going to get flayed in the replies for this post 🔥
It is a looong post, but here goes, ...

So basically, you tried IVF, got no joy. 😔
Got some beloved rescue pets. 🐕 🐈‍⬛️
Then had a lovely surprise baby. 👶
Then he (age 50+ who already experienced the toddler years with his eldest child) took a promotion and didn't realise the travel involved (sounds very bloody convenient) and has gone away (fucked off) for half of the week and stays in a hotel and gets sleep, while you do the grunt work...
But helps out part time at home when he's back and has time? 🫩
Is that the gist of it? 🤔

Nah. 👎

He has another child and probably knows EXACTLY how hard a toddler is. 💯
So conveniently he accepts a promotion and is asleep in a cool comfortable quiet room for 3-4 nights per week, whilst you are switched on/ hands on for the majority of the time. 🫩
Jesus that sounds like a lot more than just the regular course of being a mum.
You are not just the default parent.
You are basically like a SINGLE parent who's fella checks in and steps up and parents for a couple of days a week. 😬

I understand that if you work FT hours (breadwinner) you help PT at home with home-life.
While the other house-spouse has FT hours at home (house-wife/ house-husband) and then works a job (career) PT to supplement the bills etc.
One gets the main (bulk) bills, the other gets the (supplementary) frills - so to speak.
That sounds normal and a compromise.
You had that exact set up/ life when he WFH and slept in your shared bed every night. 💯
This is (luckily) my current set up, that me and my hubby compromised on. 😇

THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS 🙅‍♀️

He accepted a promotion and turned into a man who is barely home and doesn't validate your feelings. This would give me the ick. 😤
His career might give him a sense of purpose and distraction as 50+ men typically fall into the age range of mid-life crisis men (I'm not saying this is in your case, but just that it happens). 😬

Now if he was already in a job which involved working away such as: offshore oil and gas, maritime roles, construction, or the military then I could understand. 🫡

But you did NOT sign up for this. 👎

He changed everything.
He got promoted and it moved the goal posts (so to speak).
It is not sustainable and in the case of for better or for worse, he is doing what is better for him and not your family dynamic. 😠

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
If you have shown him your list of what you do Versus what he does and he's still wanting to keep the status quo, then I would be showing him some figures and getting your ducks in a row, ready to exit.
🦆🦆🦆

In the spirit of the phrase time is money 💰

Myself and my hubby did some figures for you 😉
The figures I mean are thus:

If he is away for 4 days out of 7, then steps up part time on the other 3 days.
so 100% ÷ 7 = 14.3% per day.
×4 days in work AWAY from home IN A HOTEL BED = 57%
×3 days at home = 42.9% then half it (as you share the load) which ends up as = he is 21.4% hands on when he is at home.
And that is without the sleep issues!!! 😴

Now your turn...
so 100% ÷ 7 = 14.3%
× 3.5 days in work = 50%
but as you're at home doing bath/book/bed and seeing clients and walking dogs etc and actually sleeping in the same house as your child 7 NIGHTS PER WEEK, that then becomes (work 8 hours/then baby 8 hours and sleep 8.hours - hopefully) so when you are awake you are with your child half of the time, (deffo counting sleep issues /sleep deprivation) so we will halve it/ divide by 2.
So 50 ÷ 2 = 25%
Then you have your DC SOLO for 50 percent of the week. 25+50 =75
So basically you are the default parent 75% of the time.
THAT IS A LOT. 💯

You have your DC in unpaid labour nearly (three quarters) 75% of the time.
Yet you work and contribute (a third) 33% towards bills, while he pays 66% and is hands on as a family man for just over 20%...
I WOULD BE MASSIVELY PISSED OFF WITH THOSE FIGURES AS WELL. 😠 😡 😤
That's not including pets and life admin!!!

Well @Poptart22
You need a serious chat.
If you can get DC in nursery for an extra day (if he has funding/if you/hubby can afford it) - so you can have some head space, then I would highly recommend it. 💯
You also need to get your ducks in a row in regards to all financials and paperwork if things don't improve. 💰

This isn't sustainable. 🙅‍♀️
You will reach breaking point and so many fellas day 'oh my the divorce came out of nowhere,' when actually it bloody didn't, they just didn't listen and/or want to change/compromise. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Wishing you well OP and I hope you can sort this out in the best interests of you and you child and pets - whatever that outcome maybe. 💐

Sure, that's all stuff we all do & sure, single parents do it singly. I watch my closest friend cope all on her own whilst her useless ex thumbs his arsehole doing absolutely bugger all.

However!!

Due to my friend not having the emotional intelligence of a soggy egg sandwich she is well aware that had they NOT split it would have FELT infinitely worse.

It's not the tasks, it's that they aren't shared when there is a whole other adult who created this situation 'involved'. It's the crushing feeling of being alone when on paper you're not. It's being let down, abandoned.

And now it transpires OP is being lied to & having finances withheld!

My god a lot of you are that soggy egg sandwich

It wouldnt occur to me to put half that stuff on a list. Mainly the emotional stuff. Cleaning & admin etc fine that is what Ive always assumed people meant by the mental load - remembering dates etc.

But a “waking routine” of a 3 year old. If he’s SEN I understand some of that list, otherwise why is buying your child his favourite snacks described as a “load”.

Stuff like guilt around working, holding other needs, those are just thoughts & emotions. We all have them about all sorts of things.

You have a child you always wanted. Why are you so determined to paint the day to day experience with him as some kind of huge burden when clearly you adore him and he brings you great joy?!

Some stuff is a load like sleep & potty training, but basic safety & buying snacks?!

My kids like those organix oat bars. But they don’t like some flavours & not the ones you’d expect. So I always find myself standing thinking elk which one again it’s the orange one isn’t it. But I don’t see it as burden nor would I describe it as a “safe food”.

There was study I heard about I think on the radio where they’d looked at about how the way we speak about things has changed over time, like we don’t say the woman was carrying bags, we say she was laiden down with shopping. I wish I could find it as it was v interesting.

You also aren’t holding everyone’s needs because you haven’t ever talked about your DH’s needs when it comes to his job.

If you DH has lied to you & down serious things that’s a different matter.

But otherwise neither you or the people agreeing with you are doing you a favour looking at your life from the perspective of everything is part of a huge burden.

I have a friend who wants a baby so badly I thought about becoming a surrogate except Im old & fat. You got your miracle. Stop thinking about how hard it is, and enjoy it!

You a vegetarian per chance

I can't believe people on here. How will the OP feel any less angry with her husband if his selfishness forces her to give away three dogs she adores and which he committed to look after just as much as she did? And as for the person who said her husband is reasonable because he does his share of domestic chores when he's not away, words fail me.

I feel your pain op. I have young DC and partner who works away frequently in lovely job that doesn’t pay the big bucks. Again he downplayed the travel requirement when he got the role. I work in hugely demanding full time job and am bread winner.
Again DH could get job with minimal travel hut chooses not too because he loves this role.
It is just about ok now DC are getting in for pre- teen. If he had done this when they were 3 - I could not have coped.
i just say: ‘ok you’ve chosen to be away - what’s the plan for childcare? You sort - I am working.’
i also do minimal housework (get cleaner when it’s really bad) and do enough to stop us getting foodpoisoning. I make sure DH does all pick ups and bed times when he is back and I go out and leave him to it.
Actually on reflection it works quite well for our marriage- because both of us get some level of professional satisfaction even though life is very busy but the key thing for you is to be selfish back.

I don't buy this that he's opted out of being a Dad. They had rounds a IVF that would have cost a fortune, he became a dad again at 47-ish, so he knew the score.

We only have the Op's side of this.

Her son is in childcare 3 days a week, she works from home for 3.5 days a week. She has family on hand to help. Her DH is working away half the week supposedly for more money.

To me it doesn't describe someone with a massive load - one child, on hand family, working from home part time. It's about her resentment not simply the day to day living.

This isn't about his working away, it's about a marriage failing because they want different things and can't agree. Nowhere does she say she loves him and wants to make this work.

They need to talk and find a way to make it work.

I think a lot of the issues of the way the OP thinks about things.

There’s a miracle baby here. One little fellow. When I had one little fellow they were the best days of my life. And he wasn’t a miracle, he was a holiday accident.

And it was great. I loved all the firsts. I was the biggest baby bore on the planet in fact I would have walked away from me.

I have of friend who is reaching the end of her fertile years post IVF with no baby. And I listen to her feelings about that. And I don’t know what to say. Because like all grief there is nothing I can say that will change anything.

If I could tell her that in 3 years she’d have the “burden” of buying a little boy his favourite snacks her screams of joy would break the windows.

And I get that we don’t all live in Disney
land but Op you’re 3 years into a miracle, you described it as a miracle and while I have no doubt you love your son, you seem to have lost the perspective of the enormity of it. You got the miracle. The miracle needs to be potty trained but he’s still the miracle.

You are confusing being content to have offspring with active parenting.

He signed up for responsibilities and has now opted to saddle his wife with the lion share and does not care about the impact on his wife.

But if you prefer to believe OP is a liar so be it.

And why would love be enough to make you want to work are preserving a marriage to a selfish man? Although they are in therapy so clearly she wants to make it work.

I do think the OP could have a different attitude. Being able to work the amount that she wants to is a wonderful thing. The only real criticism she seems able to make of her husband is that he's not at home in the evenings to walk the dogs. But she has a dog walker and chooses when they come. She could walk in the afternoons. She's going to have more mental load because she's working less.

The sad reality is she has too many pets and it's entirely unreasonable to expect anyone to change their job to reflect this rather than address it. They both knew what they were doing when they got three large rescues and went for IVF and she is now home more with the chaos but apparently as discontent about everything as if she has just woken up in the middle of it. I wouldn't be impressed if someone told me I had to change my job to walk the dogs when they were dropping their hours and I wasn't.

Op did ivf. 7 rounds I think. All failed

so she got 3 rescue dogs

Then fell preg naturally

She reduced her hours because she wanted to. Nothing to do with her husbands job.

I had 4 and got on with it. My partner helped out when he could but it didn't mean he never appreciated me. The problem the op is facing is repetition she is doing the same thing everyday and it's doing her nut in.

As years as an active parent, I'm not confusing anything. I've got that T shirt and a DP who was away a lot on the other side of the world. And no help at all from family.

What did she sign up to? Being a mum, working for herself from home, having 3 dogs and cats. She seems to hate it all.

He has responsibilities- his job , which no doubt pays the mortgage and bills, and he sees his child for 3-4 nights a week and weekends.

She wants it all her way.

There has to be a middle ground.

@Poptart22 what does he do with his finances ?
Do you trust him ?
I can’t believe the attack you have received .
You are well within your rights to say , this isn’t working you have been given a choice, however you decided not to be there for me and our family. I am drowning and you don’t care .
Then file for a divorce .

You never singed up to this . You were ment to be a team . He is no longer a team player for some reason only he knows .

OP, I’ve seen your list. To decide whether to split from your DH, a useful exercise would be to work out which items/mental load you’ll lose as a lone parent.

It sounds to me you’re burned out from parenting a toddler. All parents feel like this at times. Parenting is extremely hard work. Lots of parents have more than one child to care for, which multiples all the things you list and adds more (e.g. dealing with regular sibling conflict). But it gets less physically tiring once they’re at school. Hang in there.

But lone parenting is even harder. There’s no rest, even when ill. You have to find energy and strength you never thought you had just to muddle through. So, splitting may well not solve your load/burn out problems.

So I suggest you arrange for your DH to do his equitable share of childcare/housework from next week - or pays someone else to. On the days you have no childcare or work responsibilities, suggest you rest. As you would if you were a lone parent and DH had your DS 💐

Many women do