AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Couldn't agree more.
Everyone focusing on the dogs is missing the point. If my DH had suddenly taken on a job when our DD was a toddler that meant he wasn't around half the week, every week, I'd be issuing an ultimatum that he choose the job or me. OP didn't sign up to be a part-time single mother. The dogs are irrelevant.

I still haven't quite worked out why he is being called selfish. He has a job that includes working away. OP hasn't said he fails to pull his weight at home. Many men and women work away from home and their partners are left with the basic every day chores. Thats difficult but people manage to make it work. Those in the armed forces leave their partners for months.
Is he being called selfish because he won't do as the OP asks or is she being selfish to ask him to make himself potentially unemployed.
The dogs don't help. OP seems to have got herself so angry and resentful she's not thinking clearly.

Is it? Do you know what else eats mental energy - missing your child, and being financially worse off.

Can we please stop with the divorce nonsense. The OP will certainly not be better off financially if she gets divorced, she will have to share custody of the miracle baby she adores so much she doesn’t want to put him in childcare (which is fair enough), and she will have 3 dogs and 2 cats quite possible without secure housing. Because landlords love pets!

The resentment the OP feels is within her power to control. She survived IVF with DH which breaks so many couples, now they have the miracle baby and the dogs she wanted & wants to keep. The child will get older quickly, start sleeping, go to school & in as little to 7/8 years things will fairly close to independence in a lot of respects.

Instead of focusing on what DH has done wrong, what about the many things he presumably has done right to get this far.

Weird how all that is expected of OP but not of her DH.
Smells like rampant sexism to me.

If you have a child, you need to be there for them. Physical presence is more important than financial contribution. If OP's DH reduced his hours, OP could conceivably increase hers and earn more. There is no excuse for what he's doing.

The misleading her was wrong.

When you’d have issued that ultimatum was your DH 51 in sales in an era which AI appears to be about to lay off an awful lot of us.

Except the OP doesn’t want to increase her hours. She had a miracle baby & she wants to be with him while he’s little.

He doesn't have to leave his job completely, he can reduce his hours or return to his old role.

And if AI's really going to torpedo his job, maybe now's a good time for him to train as something else.

She has likely had to reduce her hours because her DH isn't there half the time. She says she has changed her job twice to help deal with the situation. Think it's her DH's turn to make a compromise now, surely?

She has said she wants to work part time to be with her child. Literally said as much.

And he is there more than 50% of the time. He away 3/4 days some weeks.

The OP had a baby she never expected to have. He’s only 3 and there is so much joy to be had here.

You may have said so twice up the thread but you didnt say so in your reply to me. In any case, by saying: what he shouldn't have done is mislead the OP, assuming he did' you are, in effect, questioning the validity of her statements, while simultaneously making up a narrative to support her husband who you have no actual narrative on at all. Others have done a similar thing as you said, however they did that based on what the OP has said. Seems a bit odd.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time.

-H was working from home when you BOTH decided to have the dogs and then a baby comes along.
-He then decides he's working away 3-4 nights a week.

You've TOLD him you don't like him working away, you've been to relationship counselling and nothing has changed.

@Poptart22 You need to accept he's not willing to listen to you, he doesn't care enough about you to want to make you happier.

You say he's 52 and has another child, I think he doesn't want to be around another 3 year old at his age and he won't be changing his job any time soon.

You need to choose between putting up with his behaviour or leaving him.x

I would have hated to have only had my children 50% of the time. It’s easy to say it but wouldn't it actually hurt like hell? I’m not saying stay with someone you don’t like or love, it’s the flippancy in handing over children for 50% of their time, it can be painful.

They didn’t because he never said - “I took a job with travel to get away from you, my baby & the dogs”. Whereas many people have said that’s why he did it. Thats what I was referring to.

And I feel like you are trying to outsmart me or something for some kind of gotcha moment so you can prove I’m Lex Luther.

Just leave it now, it not about you & me.

While I am sure OP enjoys spending time with her child that doesn't mean she works part time entirely for her own benefit. Her child benefits too.

And yet you still cant answer why you are questioning the validity of what the OP has said. Im not trying to outsmart you. I am just repeating back to what you saod and asking you about it, but you cant answer because there is no defense to it. What you should do is just own up to it rather than repeating the same comment over again which is not actually my point. The OP is long gone, likely because of posters like you who feel the need to kick someone when they are clearly down.

It sounds like he might have beaten her to quiet quitting!

I'm really confused by this OP.

I'm all for supporting mums who feel they aren't coping and you clearly feel you aren't.

But when you have explained your work load it doesn't seem that much compared to other women who are juggling children and work.

You posted about having to cook for the family etc, but that's just you and a toddler for half the week. And you work from home, part time.

Your son is at nursery and with grandparents, for 3 days. So you only have him at home for 2 days during the week, and weekends.
Presumably you fit your work into the days he's not at home all day?

And your husband is away for 3 days, perhaps 4, so he is around for half the week.

If he was working and not going away, what would change?
Many people who work have a long day, a commute, and don't get home till 7pm so one parent does it all by working fewer hours.

I have friends whose partners worked overseas for 75% of the year (travelling) and they managed two or three children on their own.

I genuinely don't see what difference it would make if he was at home, other than help with bedtimes.

Men have their kids less than 50% a lot of the time, and it doesn't seem to hurt them like hell.

Presumably he took the job to increase the family income not just to get out of the house.

Many couples have one parent who works long hours. Or they travel overseas. Mine were often in bed before my DP came home.

I don't see how his being at home in the evening would make such a huge difference in practical terms.

And- can he simply find another job easily at 51?

Absolutely. My ex was one of them. Which actually worked out well for me because I wanted the children with me. He worked away a lot too and even lived abroad for a chunk of their childhoods.

That's fine if you were happy to be in a relationship where your DH was working long hours and not there much. Many people aren't including OP. She has her own career.

I’ve taken a step back from this now as some of the comments were getting out of hand (calling me a bad mother, suggesting I kill my dogs etc).

However, I have to correct people saying the ‘mental load’ is easy as it’s just setting up DD’s and buying gifts off Amazon!

Here is a list of SOME of my mental load, not even factoring in my job which is dealing with intense trauma and extremely exhausting:

Child-related mental load (3-year-old)

• Waking routines
• Night wakes / monitoring sleep
• Dressing child appropriately for weather
• Planning meals/snacks
• Remembering favourite/safe foods
• Monitoring hydration
• Tooth brushing
• Bath routines
• Nappy/potty/toilet management
• Managing tantrums/emotional regulation
• Constant safety awareness
• Packing bags for outings
• Spare clothes/wipes/snacks planning
• Tracking nap schedules
• Managing overstimulation/overtiredness
• Deciding screen time boundaries
• Buying clothes

Nursery/admin

• Remembering nursery days/times
• Packing nursery items
• Spare clothes/labelling
• Paying fees
• Reading nursery communications
• Remembering dress-up/theme days
• Managing illness exclusions
• Arranging pickup/drop-off
• Monitoring developmental milestones
• Booking vaccinations/checkups
• Remembering birthdays/parties/gifts

Emotional labour

• Being the “safe person”
• Absorbing distress/meltdowns
• Staying calm while dysregulated myself
• Thinking about attachment/security
• Guilt about working
• Worrying about whether I’m “doing enough”
• Managing everyone else’s emotions around the child
• Being the default comfort parent

Dog mental load

• Feeding schedules
• Monitoring appetite/health
• Walk planning
• Weather considerations
• Exercise needs
• Enrichment
• Cleaning muddy paws
• Managing barking/reactivity
• Remembering flea/worming treatments
• Ordering food/treats
• Vet appointments
• Insurance renewals
• Medication if needed

Extra mental load

• Coordinating walks around child/work
• Thinking about dogs when planning outings
• Arranging pet care
• Monitoring behaviour changes
• Managing house mess/hair/smells
• Guilt if they haven’t had enough stimulation

Cat mental load (2 cats)

• Feeding
• Litter tray cleaning
• Monitoring litter habits
• Vet care
• Flea/worm treatments
• Food ordering
• Cleaning fur/vomit
• Managing scratching/damage
• Letting cats in/out
• Monitoring for illness or conflict
• Holiday care arrangements

House mental load

• Knowing what needs cleaning
• Seeing mess nobody else notices
• Planning laundry cycles
• Changing bedding/towels
• All laundry/putting away
• Monitoring food
• Meal planning
• Shopping lists
• Fridge management
• Bin days
• Dishwasher cycles
• Household supplies
• Replacing toiletries/cleaning products
• Tidying toys/clutter
• Managing paperwork/post

Household management

• Bills
• Budgeting
• Mortgage/rent awareness
• Insurance renewals
• Booking repairs
• Chasing tradespeople
• Tracking appointments
• Remembering family schedules
• Coordinating calendars
• Holiday planning
• Gift buying/cards
• Social obligations
• Keeping the house emotionally functional

Additional Mental load

• Always being mentally “on”
• Listening out for the child while doing other tasks
• Thinking 3 steps ahead constantly
• Never finishing one task cleanly
• Carrying responsibility for what happens if things go wrong
• Feeling like I can never fully relax
• Holding everyone else’s needs in my head simultaneously
• Being the one who notices before it becomes a problem
• Feeling guilty resting because there’s always something pending
• Having no real psychological switch-off time

My husband’s mental load:
Work
walking the dogs half the time he’s home
Helping with bed/bath routine
Doing certain household tasks only if and when directed by me
Putting bins out when he’s home
Feeding animals when he’s home.

Now, to all the people saying well you should t have took on so much.. if you’ve bothered to read my posts, you’ll see why. If we’d known we’d get pregnant, then maybe we wouldn’t have, but the fact is we have, BOTH of us , so this is where we’re at.

And if anyone’s wondering, he was probably the one more instrumental in adopting the animals when we did.

A few people have said there must be more to this and that’s correct, there has been a lot I’ve not been happy about (including lies and withholding finances), but this working away pattern is the final straw because it’s not sustainable for me and he doesn’t seem to care.

Also to add, what I’ve suggested is that maybe when our child is in school, working away might not be so bad, but whilst he’s so young and dependent on us, it doesn’t seem fair.

My child has started to notice dads not around and appears sad about that.

But his absolute refusal to change anything about this, is what now feels like the final straw and massively hurtful to me.

Is proportionate to what they earn, how is that being paid for?

@Poptart22 have you shown HIM this mental load list?

Tbh your mental loads sound the same as me /most parents minus the animal stuff