AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

I think the person who you are responding to is agreeing with you Poptart. You aren't being heard, and the situation is not bearable long-term. The dogs are hard work but they were mutually agreed upon, and members of your family, and they aren't the core cause of the problem.

The core cause of the problem is that you are overwhelmed, understandably so, and not being met half-way re: work-life balance. You have too much of the life, and too much of the work (even on reduced hours, 3.5 is still a lot of hours).

How often is he working away? Are you being unrealistic about him finding a new job, or is he being unrealistic about not even looking for one?

If you threatened to rehome the dogs would he care? Has he mentally checked out of your relationship?

I think you're in a vulnerable position right now with how thin you are stretched, and if you're not feeling the love of the relationship, it is unlikely to get better if nothing changes - so changing by saying look this is making me head towards divorce (if you mean it) or want to get rid of the dogs (because you worry about letting them down) for example, is a good idea.

No, not now.
But before he got promoted he was based at home. One of her posts explains.

I've worked since 16 too, with no gaps at all. I'm 45 now. Yes work can be tough, but most of us have to work AND manage our home lives, this man has it easier than most childless, single men and women who work, so I'll save my violin.

What childcare could he use that would look after the child for 4 days straight as well as looking after his pets and cleaning his house?

I work too darling! I even have a big boy job!

But are most SAHPs women or men, and are most part time workers women or men? And if the reverse was the case would women allow men to big up the “mental load” so much on MNs?

If a man were to say he wanted his wife not to take a promotion involving travel because he’d have the child himself 3/4 nights a week he’d told he was anti-feminist & incompetent.

That isn’t to say I think it was ok for DH to mislead OP if he did. It wasn’t.

Stop being so facetious.

You seem to be forgetting that the OP has her own business with clients she is answerable to, as well as all of the other things that come with having your own business that employed people don't have to worry about. If she needs to book a meeting room she doesn't have someone to send 20 emails to do it on her behalf like whoever you work for.

She has to make sure she's sending out and chasing up invoices to make sure she gets paid, keep her records up to date for tax purposes, keep meticulous personal finance records for her self assessment as well as her business tax records - none of which an employed person has to do.

She is responsible for her own knowledge development - no corporate mandated training courses for her like an employed person would get.

She is doing all of that on top of running her household (mental load) and doing all of the day to day requirements needed for life to function with a three year old that doesn't sleep.

He gets to get in his car / catch the train / plane on a Monday morning or whatever, go to work, get three or four nights of sleep undisturbed by a sleepless three year old with all of his meals cooked for him. On a Thursday he gets to catch the plane / train / drive home. He will get a paid at the end of the month, most likely through PAYE, doesn't have to worry about tax returns, liability insurance, finding clients, keeping his training up to date. Hell, I bet he doesn't even have to book his own hotel rooms and travel!

I run my own business, am the higher earner AND do all of the mental load tasks at home.

My job is highly complex (more so than having to send 20 emails to book a meeting room) as well as having all of the extras that come with self employment and I do the vast majority of mental load house admin.

The day to day household and life organisation (e.g. mental load) is a lot more complex, its bitty, inconsistent and varied more so than anything I do for work. When you are the only one doing it along with self employment, it is exhausting.

I am lucky in that my DH does a lot more of the day to day chores - he does the food shopping, cooking, most of the laundry and the weekend activity lifts for the kids. If he didn't I would really struggle.

I can't imagine doing all of that AND all of the day to day household chores on my own for half the week. It must be hell and I am not surprised the OP is burnt out and resentful!

Well done, aren't you clever.

You didn't answer my question, what mental load?

He has used a job to check out.
Time for you to take control.
He has chosen to abandon you and his child.
Yanbu to divorce.

But she does not want him to wfh. She has issue with him being away from home. She has said it is fine when he is not away.

Not right wing nor a tradwife. I work FT as an academic, y’all know how far left most of us lean…

I fully acknowledge the pets came first, at a time when OP and DH didn’t think they could conceive. I mean most people would get one dog, not three and two cats but beside the by… Then OP got pregnant unexpectedly which is amazing. I think most would acknowledge at that stage, shit we’re about to have a baby and have 5 pets… That’s a lot. I’d love to have a dog but know we don’t have the capacity. Most people who work FT feel this way.

Anyway, they rumbled ok. DH got his promotion, either he or his workplace downplayed the amount he’d have to work away. OP acknowledged it is not 3-4 nights every single week, just some but nevertheless it’s more than she expected. Now the 5 pets have become too much on top of her WFH PT job and toddler and she wants him to either ask to be demoted or get a new job. He’s 51 and the job market is intense right now thanks to AI, I personally think he might struggle against some young gun straight out of uni but who knows.

I said time and time again, I think the real issue is OP just doesn’t like him anymore which is fine. I just think she needs to be realistic about divorce and what that looks like. She’ll be even more broke and have even less support. Her life though.

I was replying to your post which was explaining to me he didn’t work from home but he worked away. Yes. He does not. But he didn’t before.

And her expectation or hope that he would always WFH was I think unrealistic.
My original post sets out my view.

OK but that wasn't my point. My point was to another poster who hadnt read the OP's posts.

I also do all of that mental load for my household... kids and stepkid! It's called being a parent. The OPs child is in nursery or with grandparents 3 days a week and she isn't working all those hours...

She works 3.5 days a week, with two evenings as part of that, so yes, she is likely working most of the time the child is in nursery. She is also self employed, so I suspect she is actually underplaying that because self-employed people always do as they don't tend to count the extra hours invoicing, doing the extra paperwork that comes with self-employment on top.

Yes it's called being a parent, so why do people seem to be tripping over themselves to excuse the OPs husband from those responsibilities.

You say you do it all for your household - is your partner not parenting well then? Or does he, like mine, make up for the mental load he doesn't carry by doing more around the house? Or does he check out of family life for 3 nights a week like the OPs husband?

I am not necessarily in the LTB camp, unless there is other stuff going on with the OP and her husband and I agree that they need to sit down and come up with a plan - I said so in my first post on this thread.

But the minimisation of what the OP does on a day to day basis because she happens to work 12 hours less than her husband and the excuses being made for him being able to get three nights of undisturbed sleep with all of his meals provided just because he earns 1/3 more than her are ridiculous!

The thing is life changes & goal posts move. They got 3 dogs thinking they would not have any children and then had one. The situation needs to be reevaluated. DH has been promoted & needs to do some travel - another change (he may not have had much of a choice). He is available and pitches in with home life when there.

but now the situation is under strain and the only thing which has been identified as requiring a change is DH and his job, nothing else is up for discussion. Seems to be lacking a compromise here.

Why do you think the anger and resentment would diminish? You are already exhausted. He may decide, due to his work pattern, you should be the default parent 24/7 and you will end up with less help than you have now. Imagine him being late on child payments, so you are also seriously short of money and have to work full time on top of everything you already do for and with your children.

I would not leave a marriage to alter a situation which could not be improved by my leaving. I would, however, explain to him that you are too tired to cope with the current situation. Be realistic and rehome the dogs. Even if it stretches you a little financially, get some help - a mother's help is a second pair of hands alongside yours, or a nanny or childcare a couple of days a week to give you a complete break. Use one day to get on top of the basics and the other day to completely rest.

This time will pass. I remember being delighted I needed root canal treatment, so I could sit uninterrupted in a dentist's chair for hours. I also remember being so jealous of DH having a busy commute into London because even if the train was packed, he was free to think his own thoughts, pick up a coffee, go to the loo uninterrupted. At the time, it felt interminable and I still feel flashes of anger at DH, more than 20 years later at how oblivious he was, and how smug he was about being a 'great dad' for very occasionally doing a fraction of what I did, usually with admiring women fawning over him for being so great. But long term, our marriage was worth keeping - emotionally and financially.

Thanks!

I don’t know what you do. But say you were a partner in a law firm. So firstly there’s the actual advice what people would think of as “your job” supervising your team, then there’s the billing, then there’s training juniors, and keeping up to date yourself. Making sure all the associated stuff is done correctly - your anti money laundering, that your accounts are run correctly, you are complying with health & safety which can be hard in an environment that’s v fast paced with a lot of stress and a big focus on keeping the client happy no matter what.

Then there’s the client relationships, winning clients, keeping them, entertaining them but making sure it can’t be perceived as anything unethical, providing ad-ons like training.

etc etc.

But we don’t describe it as a “load” even though it as a load, addiction rates are high, it can be hard to switch off. A deal is never really done because a claim can come back to bite you.

Any money moves from the client account even by mistake risk the Law Society being all over it, if you make the wrong call on something that seems small at the time it can cost millions or even lead to criminal sanctions for you to worse someone else.

Apply the same to nursing you could kill someone.

Not sure if you are still reading @Poptart22 but would you not be better having your child in nursery 5 whole days and working in the day time rather than working evenings and only 3 days?
You mention running your own business so can you not change your working hours?

Not rich by any means. In fact I'm on minimum wage. Dog food costs about £10 per month but I only have 2 now (and 2 cats, 4 snakes, a tortoise and fish). Accident only insurance at £12 per month per dog.

I dont know that the real issue is that she doesn’t like him, more than as you have outlined this situation has developed & the Op is zero focused on only one thing needs to change.

Even though her DH is 51, took a promotion in a job he already had which is often a lot easier than going into a new job especially as a 51 year old man.

And people have gone with this narrative as he only did it to get away. Whereas he might have done it because promotions are hard to get, he’s realistic about his age and his expenses. And maybe he is “refusing” to look for other roles because he assumes, as would I, that people aren’t lining up to hire 51 year old sales men and he doesn’t want to go through the process of being consistently rejected.

But obviously he shouldn’t have mislead her, assuming he did.

But you have entirely made up a narrative of the man taking the role because he though he wouldn't get any other role, but are questioning whether the OP is telling the truth? Why would you flesh out a back story that you have no idea whether it is true or not, but question what someone is actually telling you?

Are you an MRA? What a thing to say.

Oh op I’ve been in a similar situation. Carrying all the load with two young children, feeling growing resentment over years. I feel for you.
BUT! Things did change. The children went to school and they eased the load massively. I also worked full time. I honestly just lowered my standards with the house etc.
you will get through this but please don’t rush in unless you absolutely hate him and he’s abusive. I’ve fallen for my husband again years later. Young children absolutely do put pressure on even if he was working g from home. It’s all meant with kindness, you sound like a fantastic mum c

I have, given how many people here have jumped to - he just took the job to get away. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.

And a lot of jobs invoice more travel than is first outlined it’s happened to several people I know.

Her DH would have the child 50% of the time and she wouldn't have to put up with a selfish prick eating her mental energy. Absolutely worth it.

But why question whether the OP is telling the truth?

Goodness I literally just told you exactly what I meant by it.

And I have said up this thread that there is difference between lying which I don’t think the Op is doing, and having a perspective/narrative on a situation.

So no I don’t think the Op is lying. As I have said twice.