AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Haha no he wouldn’t though. Most men do not take their child 50% of the time following divorce. He works FT and works away as well, and also has another child to someone else so where would he even find the capacity to take his small DS on 50:50? At best he will take the DC EOW and maybe 1 day during the week, this is the usual set up.

Most parents or most mothers?

It certainly doesn't sound the same as the other parent of her child.

He's withholding finances? I KNEW IT. I feel so vindicated. The LTB-ry was radiating from your posts!

Sorry but your mental load list is pretty normal. The animal stuff is an extra, but as you don't want to change that nor do you respond or want to do anything people have suggested regarding additional help I am not sure what you really wanted to achieve.

It's called life and parenting. I've been there, got the t shirt, read the book. I'm sorry OP, I'm not being unsympathetic but it's really that simple. There are things we all do on a daily basis, I could give you a list of things I did every day when my kids were small. I could give you a list of things I do now. There would be many things on both lists. I've worked full time all my working life. I'm now retired and widowed. I still have things I have to do as part of just living in a house, some extra things as I live with 2 adult disabled children. That's life.
If you feel your DH isn't pulling his weight then yes, you need to get that through to him, if you separated then you will be doing it all with less money.

Honestly I know its wrong but your lists are the norm for mothers with pets!

The key word is being parents, as in they share the mental load. OP is not saying her mental load is bigger than other parents, she is saying she has to do it all herself. Why is this thread full of people being purposefully obtuse?

There are things on your mental and physical workload he could take on.

All the bills/insurances/household admin, for a start. He can do that anywhere, including while he's away.

He could also keep track of animals' innoculations/flea & worm treatments etc and schedule those appointments.

Re your DC, he could monitor developmental milestones and schedule vaccinations.

He could be in charge of bedding and towel laundry when he's back - strip, wash, dry, fold.

There's certainly a lot more he could do, if you and he both want to sit down, talk it through, and organise it.

But from your latest post, there's other things going on eg withholding finances, lies, so maybe you've actually just really had enough.

In which case, get your ducks in a row ...

@Poptart22 So he's been lying and withholding finances too? Sounds like you really would be better off without him. Imo the only potential justification for working away that much when you have young children is if it's the only job you can find, or if it's making a lot of extra money that will really benefit your children, and even then, it's not going to be right for lots of people. But he doesn't sound like he's making much money because you mentioned not being able to afford holidays, and what he is making, he doesn't want to share. Do you know what his salary is for certain? Is it possible he's making more than he tells you?

knew there was something fishy with money. mental load i get as i said similar here but no kids main difference is we have money to throw at help
i would give a real hard talking too, this is not the life you have envisaged and spell that out to him, if he doesnt get it then i be telling him we need a break he needs to leave while you decide
i would be seriously thinking of divorce now

Doesn't sound like you have a husband tbf

True mums then

or my life as I’m a single parent so all comes done to me

so even if @Poptart22 splits she is likely to still do all that

I’m so sorry OP, he sounds quite selfish and you sound v at the end of your rope. To all the people saying the mental load list sounds normal - yes but what OP is demonstrating is that she takes it all on and he’s - by taking this easy ride version of his job - checked out of it and it’s all fallen to her. Sounds like he needs a proper talking to, v clear communication, that you won’t stand for it and something needs to change from his side. It’s the backing out of all the hard stuff that’s driving you mad I think. OP ignore the nasty comments on here; I initially misread your post but get it now. Most people think YANBU so don’t feel you need to justify yourself or explain to those who don’t get it. I’m sorry you’re so frustrated, I really hope you get treated with kindness and gratefulness and not taken advantage of which sounds like what you’re feeling. Much love xx

She doesn't want to.increase her hours... she purposely reduced her working hours.

He isn't away every flipping week. So at minimum he is there 50% + of the week. Plenty of parents work away or work shift work etc.

I never said there was an EXCUSE for what he's doing... I don't think anyone needs an excuse to go to work? 🙄

Sorry but for someone who went through so many rounds of IVF, you clearly underestimated the act of parenting. What you call the mental load is just ordinary life. It's how everybody in the world survives....

Single parent too. I did it all before, then left and actually have it easier cause there's ome less person to manage and no constant seething resentment of a perfectly capable and equally responsible adult watching me drown doing it all.

I love that since OP posted the mental load list and everyone is parroting thats just parenting, funny enough her Husband is also a parent yet his list is rather minimal. If its so simple and straightforward surely he should take up some of it while he is chilling in his hotel room! But heaven forbid we expect the poor man to do his share of 'just parenting'

I’m not maybe parents was the wrong word

but I do all that on the list minus animals stuff

its what you do when have kids

and as I’m now a single parent it all comes down to me

Oh FFS.

Yes, many of us here have had similar mental loads and coped. But we shouldn't have to have that whole mental load as women and mothers. We should demand partners who shoulder an equal amount of work in an our relationships. and if we aren't getting that same commitment from them we should complain, not put up and shut up because there are other women who do more.

I did say he should. If he contributes fairly while he is there then there are no problems. What I find somewhat ridiculous is anyone not thinking that most of it is just 'life'. It doesn't feature for me, I do it automatically. And would suggest that many people do, married, single, childless/child free, parents.

But the OP isn’t a single parent. How is it helpful to say ‘well single parents have to do it all so she should too’?

That's all normal stuff

No, many people have suggested they work together to see how they can both alleviate the load. Many others have suggested a range of the mental load tasks that the OPs husband could takeover.

It's not as simple as just getting a divorce or quitting his job if it can be minimised otherwise.

I agree with your the - it’s life, if I wrote every step I take every day between waking & bed it would read like I should be in a coma from exhaustion. But the reality is a lot of these tasks are two mins jobs that most of us do almost automatically. I find the whole concept of a “metal load” somewhat triggering. There’s no way the OP’s metal load is that
long but DH’s is a handful.

Lies by DH is a much bigger issue than any of this. I would have started there.

“Withholding finances” - it’s unclear what that means. Understating his income - not ok. Saying he didn’t want to make x purchase - maybe ok.

I also think it’s very sad that there’s a miracle child in this situation who is only 3 and the joy seems to have gone out of it for both parents.

But she’s making a huge song and dance about stuff that any normal parent does

or even not a parent - anyone with a home

house management with bins food washing

then the child stuff