AIBU to be content with a traditional division of labour?

[BeCosyNavyMentor]

Throwaway. My husband (41) is a corporate lawyer specialising in big mergers and acquisitions in the City. He routinely works 12-14 hour days, often gets called in at weekends, and travels to Europe a few times a month. He earns around £250-300k a year plus bonus, which covers our mortgage on a 5-bed in Surrey, private school fees for all three kids, and pretty much everything else.
I work three days a week term-time as a teaching assistant. The rest of the time I run the house completely — all cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids’ schedules, homework, birthdays, dentist appointments, shopping, dealing with the builders, everything. At weekends he might take the children to play football for an hour or two, but I’m still the one managing it all. He’s not lazy in himself — he’s just focused on his career and bringing home the money.
The truth is I’m mostly happy with it. I actually enjoy being the one who holds the home together and I’m proud of what he does. We rarely argue about it and the kids are thriving. My sister says I’m letting him get away with murder and that no modern woman should accept this in 2026.
AIBU to think this is just a normal, practical arrangement for a lot of families? Or have I internalised the patriarchy and should be furious?

I’m surprised you’ve got a 5 bed in Surrey and 3 lots of private school fees for 250k?

Anyway I think this post is a humble brag rather than an actual AIBU - so won’t be giving an opinion. Enjoy the house!

DH’s total package with bonus is usually £550-650k. We bought the house ten years ago before Surrey prices went stratospheric and the mortgage is very manageable.

The money isn’t really the issue I’m asking about though. I’m just wondering if I’m being unreasonable for not minding that I run the house and he doesn’t. Plenty of my friends have similar setups and don’t seem to think it’s evil

You’re fine. You know you’re fine. Crack on.

I wasn't humble bragging.

if it works it works, the issue is when there’s a pothole in the road of s as my description and nobody knows how to do anything because you’ve been doing it all so everything falls apart and weirdly they’ll blame you no matter what!!!

If course it's not evil, do what works for you and your family. But it is worth thinking about your own financial future.A good friend was in a similar situation to you and then after 18 years her 'D'H had an affair and left her and her and the two DC and is being an arsehole about money, none of this was predictable, we thought he was a pretty stand-up guy. She is now looking at a much more challenging and financially uncertain future. That is the vulnerability you face when you have such financial inequity in your relationship

Thanks for this, I do appreciate the concern. We have completely joint finances, the house is in both names, and I’ve kept my own savings and pension contributions running since before the kids. DH has always said everything we have is ‘ours’ rather than ‘his’.

I know the horror stories happen, but he’s genuinely not the type. We’re very solid and he’s never given me any reason to think he’d behave like that. I suppose I’m just trying to work out if I’m being unreasonable for not minding the day-to-day imbalance when it actually works for us and we’re both happy

Hi I'm with you on this. My situation is very different financially but same principle. Husband works fairly long hours bringing home approx £42k per year. I don't work, but stay home and do all the things you do. We cover a mortgage on a small house and share a car. Works really well for us and we'd rather have our smaller income than both be stressed out. Arguements are rare as nothing to argue about.
Very different financial situations, but shows how the traditional division of labour can work well.

You are in an extremely fortunate position OP. Your husband isn't getting away with anything, he is working and providing an excellent standard of living for you all.

Not sure.

You're not being unreasonable if you're both happy, but things that came to mind...
What sort tof relationship do you all really even have with him if he's never there? How meaningful a relationship can you and the children even have with him?
Second was do you enjoy your work? In a 'traditional' set up as you call it you wouldn't be working at all. Fair enough if it's your hobby rather than your job, but really at that income and in the set up you aspire to your job should be the house and that's it.
I do think frankly with he spare bedroom and that income you could have a live in housekeeper/ nanny and have a much easier life. I just wonder if you've convinced yourself you're fine with doing everything to some extent? Cleaning a 5 bed house, running kids around, homework and bedtime, cooking, and doing a job yourself does sound like significant work.

I think it’s fine also. Surely you do what’s right for you, and feminism allows us choice, whether to work or to go the traditional route.

It wouldn't work for me.

I have my own high flying career - which I really enjoy and wouldn't want to give up

I also don't enjoy domestic labour - I accept doing half of it as part of life but I wouldn't enjoy doing all of it

I would find it depressing being the person facilitating everyone else rather than having my own thing

I would hate feeling responsible for the kids all the time. I bloody love the mornings DH is doing drop off and I just get to sort myself out and swan off. Ditto coming home on his pickup days to dinner on the table

In general, I love that he is totally able to look after the kids without me - I go away without the kids 2-3 times a year, to see friends, to weddings etc and I don't have to worry at all. I also just really enjoy a bit of time away from the kids

Our relationship is built on both being quite similar and having shared career goals.

But it's not evil or anything, just not my cup of tea. I don't know anyone in a relationship like yours either but I expect birds of a feather flock together.

Thanks, I do know I’m fortunate in a lot of ways and I’m grateful for the life he provides us. He actually flew out to Lake Como in Italy for a week last month on a work trip — all client meetings and team dinners apparently. He came back looking noticeably more relaxed and tanned, which was nice. I stayed behind with the three DC of course.
That’s partly why I don’t mind carrying the domestic side so much. He works incredibly hard. But reading some of these replies I’m starting to wonder if I’m being naive?

If it works for you that's great, I couldn't do it. I need intellectual challenge and pressure and I get that from work.

YABU for letting someone else dictate that what makes you happy, should be other than it is. You're happy, your husband is happy and your children are thriving.
What your sister thinks, is just her opinion.
Unless, you're not quite as happy as you say?

He doesn't run the house but he pays for it!

He does all that, yet your sister thinks he’s getting away with murder because he doesn’t share the housework? Really?! That’s a wild take IMO!

YANBU

It's like a different world reading posts like this really .

Thanks for your reply, it's given me quite a bit to think about.
The DC actually have a really good relationship with their dad. He might not be there for every single bedtime or sports day, but the time they do spend together is very meaningful. They absolutely idolise him — weekends are full of football in the garden, trips to the park, and proper chats. They miss him when he's away but they're genuinely close. Our marriage is the same; we make the most of the time we have and he's very affectionate when he's home.
I do enjoy my three days at school. It's not just a hobby, it gives me a sense of independence and adult conversation. As for a live-in nanny or housekeeper, we've talked about it but I don't want one. I actually like being the one who runs the house, does the cooking, homework, bedtimes and everything. It makes me feel needed. When DH was in Lake Como for that week-long work trip last month everything still ran like clockwork here, so it can't be that bad.
I promise I'm not convincing myself I'm fine with it. This setup genuinely works for us and I'm happy. Maybe I'm just quite traditional?

He works incredibly hard ? Are you sure ? There is a distinction between being out of the house long hours and working hard. Are your hours any less between your employment and your home life ? Are your hours actually any easier ?

Do you think it influences how your children perceive gender roles ? Because you seem to value his role more than you value yours. Does he value and appreciate the role that you play ?

Have you ever come back from a day/week at your work tanned and relaxed ?

Your sister should butt out. If it works for you, what's the issue? Also what's the solution- get him to give up his job and find one which pays less but has better hours? Or maybe she thinks you should also be earning £600k.

Not sure this is anything to do with being traditional- you're not suggesting that women generally should do more at home just that it's what works for you.

Sounds like you're both in a good position with work you find meaningful, a good relationship and plenty of money. Sounds great. I really don't think getting your husband to scrub the loo when he gets in at midnight after work is going to make anyone's life better.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, I do think DH works incredibly hard. His job involves huge stress, massive responsibility, tight deadlines and a lot of travel. It’s not just about being out of the house — some of the deals he works on run into hundreds of millions. To be honest my days are long too, but I get a lot of satisfaction from running the home and looking after the children.

On the gender role side, our son definitely looks up to his dad and says he wants to be like him when he grows up — successful, hard-working and a good provider. Our daughter enjoys helping me with the cleaning and tidying, she actually asks if she can hoover or help bake. It seems to come naturally to them both.

DH does value what I do. He tells me often that he couldn’t do his job if I wasn’t holding everything together at home, and he’s very affectionate and appreciative when he’s here.

No I’ve never come back from my job tanned and relaxed like he did from Lake Como last month, but I’m happy with my life as it is. Maybe we just have a more traditional setup than some people on here and that’s okay?

I feel like I'm in an extremely fortunate position too. Like the OP, I feel very grateful and proud of my husband for enabling me to be at home.
This is an interesting discussion, because it shows it's not about the money it's about how well traditional set ups can work with the right attitude.