AIBU to be content with a traditional division of labour?

[BeCosyNavyMentor]

Throwaway. My husband (41) is a corporate lawyer specialising in big mergers and acquisitions in the City. He routinely works 12-14 hour days, often gets called in at weekends, and travels to Europe a few times a month. He earns around £250-300k a year plus bonus, which covers our mortgage on a 5-bed in Surrey, private school fees for all three kids, and pretty much everything else.
I work three days a week term-time as a teaching assistant. The rest of the time I run the house completely — all cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids’ schedules, homework, birthdays, dentist appointments, shopping, dealing with the builders, everything. At weekends he might take the children to play football for an hour or two, but I’m still the one managing it all. He’s not lazy in himself — he’s just focused on his career and bringing home the money.
The truth is I’m mostly happy with it. I actually enjoy being the one who holds the home together and I’m proud of what he does. We rarely argue about it and the kids are thriving. My sister says I’m letting him get away with murder and that no modern woman should accept this in 2026.
AIBU to think this is just a normal, practical arrangement for a lot of families? Or have I internalised the patriarchy and should be furious?

Thanks, it’s refreshing to read a more balanced take. My sister has always been very focused on career and equality so I think our setup just doesn’t compute for her.
You’re right that it works for us. Our son openly says he wants to be like his dad when he grows up — hard-working and a good provider. Our daughter actually enjoys pottering around helping me clean and tidy, she asks if she can use the hoover or help me in the kitchen. It seems to suit their personalities.
DH is very appreciative of what I do. He tells me regularly that none of it would work without me holding everything together. When he got back from that week in Lake Como he was full of thanks and took us all out for a nice meal.
I don’t expect him to scrub the loo at midnight either. We’re both happy with the balance we’ve found and that’s what matters to us

I’m amazed you can pay 3 sets of private fees with him earning 500k -600k

they are not at senior school yet I’m assuming.

i’m also advised that a corporate lawyer and emerge acquisitions is ‘only’ earning half a million

And why would you be doing the cleaning?
what possible family in your situation doesn’t have a Cleaner

Possibly, I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Thanks for your message.
The children are 10, 7 and 4. The two older ones are at prep school and the youngest goes to private nursery three mornings a week. Fees are obviously expensive but perfectly manageable, especially as we bought the house ten years ago on a much smaller salary.
DH’s package is fairly standard for his level in M&A according to people he works with. Some years the bonus is higher, some lower, but it averages around that. I’m not hugely interested in the exact figures as long as the bills are paid.
As for cleaning, I do almost all of it myself. We could easily afford a cleaner but I actually prefer not to have one. I like my house run a certain way and I get satisfaction from looking after it. My daughter even likes ‘helping mummy’ with the dusting and hoovering sometimes, which I think is lovely.
We’re both happy with our arrangement so I don’t see why it bothers people so much

What makes you think he comes back tanned and relaxed 🤣 honestly, some people think that unless you’re physically toying laying bricks or digging a hole, it’s not hard work or savings lives

YANBU. Dh and I were similar, especially during many years living and working abroad. He worked very long hours and only had one day off a week. Projects were always wanted ‘yesterday’ - no way could he have cut his hours. I did work p/t once the younger started school, but only ever mornings. I’d never have expected Dh to help with shopping, cooking, or anything domestic - he was always so occupied with work. One year he had such urgent projects, he didn’t even take his annual leave - dds and I went on our own.

He has never been remotely mean with money - all funds from whatever source have always been ‘ours’.

I might add, we have been married for a very long time!

DH is similar but I work 3 days in a professional job. Yes I make a tiny fraction of his earnings but I earn enough to go it alone. But more to the point - I earn enough to outsource the household jobs. I am still default parent though and I don’t mind that.

my teen dd recently said to me that she was grateful to have been brought up by a working mum. I asked what she meant and she said all of her (privately educated) friends with a sahm are completely focussed on becoming one themselves in the future and talk of the kind of man who can facilitate that lifestyle. DD said she felt I was a good role model! (A brief respite from the teenage grumpiness)

so I guess it’s fine but be careful what your kids are picking up

(same goes for boys - how many threads on here are marriage problems because the husband takes for granted the wife will do all the household/kid stuff)

Really? 3 x 30k = 90 or 180 gross. 600k easily enough for a nice day school

Boarding I guess is double, but that's not mentioned.

I dont really think the son wants to be just like his dad, and the daughter loves hoovering, that's just having a laugh. Dunno about child 3?

He works incredibly hard ? Are you sure ? There is a distinction between being out of the house long hours and working hard.

Speaking as a former City lawyer, I'm confident he will be working his arse off.

OP jumped the shark with son wanting to be "hard working and a good provider" and daughter asking to use the vacuum cleaner.

Surely this is an Incel peddling trad wife nonsense from their mum's back bedroom.

If my dh had 2 days off and i was ft, I'd expect him to do most of the housework/admin. So, yes I think it's reasonable you should do most.

It's not that it comes naturally to you children. It's that they see their father in one role and their mother in another. That's learned behaviour, not innate.

Why is he seen as the hotshot and you're not ? That's the issue. Society places a higher value on his work rather than yours. If you want to uphold that notion, fair enough but I've known too many corporate lawyers to believe in the value they place upon themselves. I've known too many families paying the price for a man's ego.

I'm actually a woman and a mother of three, not an incel in his mum's bedroom.
My son really does say he wants to be like his dad when he grows up and work hard so he can provide for his own family one day. My daughter really does ask if she can help me hoover or dust because she sees me doing it. These are just things my actual children have said.
I'm sorry if that doesn't fit the narrative some of you want, but it is genuinely my life. I thought this was a forum for real mothers to discuss their real situations, not somewhere you'd get accused of being a man the moment you don't hate your husband

What's making me yikes is your phrase about 'what come naturally' to your son and daughter, and that your keep coming back to asking 'oh maybe we are just traditional?'

I'm just wondering if there is something your sister is seeing that you're not conveying. No one would reasonably expect him to be scrubbing the toilet but they would reasonably expect to have a cleaner to do so.
You seem very invested in your role, 'feeling needed', and perhaps even a reluctance to relinquish any control? Perhaps your sister does feel you diminish your own contribution, or even that you are buying into a more misogynistic mentality (evidenced by your throwaway comment about your children).

Thanks for your reply.
I do understand what you’re saying about learned behaviour. But in our house both roles are respected. DH has always said he couldn’t do what he does without me running the home and looking after the children, and he tells me that often. The children see a father who works hard and a mother who is happy, calm and fulfilled in her role. I don’t think that’s a bad thing for them to learn.
I don’t see him as a “hotshot”. I see him as someone who deals with a huge amount of stress and responsibility so that we can live the way we do. That was a choice we made together. I’m not doing this because society values his work more — I’m doing it because it genuinely suits me and makes me happy.
I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences with corporate lawyers, but that hasn’t been my experience. DH is very appreciative and our family works well as it is

is that what you want for your daughter?

Why post asking if you are being unreasonable if you're not prepared to get these kind of responses, it makes people think the poster has a point.
If there was no doubt about your contentment there would be no post, no?

Your sister sounds jealous. I'd ignore.

If you say so dear.

I agree with this.

Don't let other people make you second guess yourself, OP. You have chosen your own fulfilling path and you and your husband are both happy with the arrangement.

It’s just that it’s so common for them to lose respect for you and run off with a younger colleague just when you’re starting to look forward to retirement. It’s a cliché for a reason.

I think that you're missing the point slightly about the finances. Everything would be in the pot if you divorced, so having savings in your name is neither here nor there really. But these days you'd probably be expected to get a job if you needed more money to support yourself. Spousal support is unusual now, even if you give up a good career to be a SAHM. And with no career to fall back on then you'd struggle to get much more than minimum wage.

My husband earns similar to yours and I earn a good salary in a professional, responsible job, but nowhere close to him. I choose to continue to work a) because what if (divorce, redundancy etc) and b) I have seen it so many times where the man with the big job loses respect for his wife doing the drudgery at home. I enjoy my job and it gives me self respect to contribute to our finances and I think my husband continues to see me as an equal.

Last time I checked I was a woman with a very happy marriage and a husband who provides extremely well, not an incel in his mum’s back bedroom. But thanks for your armchair psychology anyway.
It’s interesting how triggered some of you get by another woman being content with her life. If I didn’t know better I’d say it sounds like jealousy. Must be hard watching someone actually enjoy their role when you’re so clearly miserable in yours. I'm sorry that he works a good job with a good wage.

Responses asking if she's real/ a woman/ not an incel or bot?

Her situation is not so completely out of the ordinary that that sort of response is warranted.