AIBU to be content with a traditional division of labour?

[BeCosyNavyMentor]

Throwaway. My husband (41) is a corporate lawyer specialising in big mergers and acquisitions in the City. He routinely works 12-14 hour days, often gets called in at weekends, and travels to Europe a few times a month. He earns around £250-300k a year plus bonus, which covers our mortgage on a 5-bed in Surrey, private school fees for all three kids, and pretty much everything else.
I work three days a week term-time as a teaching assistant. The rest of the time I run the house completely — all cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids’ schedules, homework, birthdays, dentist appointments, shopping, dealing with the builders, everything. At weekends he might take the children to play football for an hour or two, but I’m still the one managing it all. He’s not lazy in himself — he’s just focused on his career and bringing home the money.
The truth is I’m mostly happy with it. I actually enjoy being the one who holds the home together and I’m proud of what he does. We rarely argue about it and the kids are thriving. My sister says I’m letting him get away with murder and that no modern woman should accept this in 2026.
AIBU to think this is just a normal, practical arrangement for a lot of families? Or have I internalised the patriarchy and should be furious?

Are people missing that OP has a job?

I would have no issue with that set up. During Covid I was out of work. I took on the house and kids as a job. Husband was still working full time. I did literally everything. Loved it. Your life actually sounds idyllic to me tbh.

A job that involves disseminating trad wife propaganda through the medium of AI.

Your husband is clearly a great provider and it sounds like he enables you to give you and your children lots of opportunities. You’re happy working 3 days a week and taking on most of the admin, food shopping and cooking, cleaning, etc. which is basically another full time job in itself.

You do seem emphasise quite a lot how much your husband earns and your focus seem to be mainly on finances— and if that works for your family and everyone feels fulfilled, then that’s what matters most.

For me though, that set up wouldn’t work. My husband earns well (fraction of your family income but we live comfortably). However after our son was born he chose to work 4 days a week so he could focus more on the family - he engages in daily playtime, bedtime routine, weekend activities and is very emotionally present. I work 2.5 days a week, but we still share a lot of the household tasks. He cooks, does most of the admin, grocery shooping - we divide things fairly.

That balance gives me time for my hobbies, socialising and keeping up with my exercise routine. I really appreciate that we both have a good work life balance.I think I would struggle in your situation

Everyone is different, if you are happy being pretty much a trad wife then that is fine. Your life should be the way that makes you happy not the way other people think.

I would imagine there are a lot of women out there that will envy your ability to have your life how it is.

do what makes you happy, be who you want to be, life is way too short for anything else.

It's not very good trad wife propaganda if it's premised on the husband earning £600k!

unpaod division of labour - you think he’s better paid , or maybe he is but what’s that built on , probably your unpaid support

With respect, its very easy to be happy with a traditional marriage when your husband fully fulfils the role of being the complete provider and would respect and support you regardless.

Far less satisfactory to be coupled up with Mr Minimim Wage who wants his common law wife to work, raise kids and run the home while he refuses to loft a finger because "he works" or marry her because he's worried she will take him for everything he's (not) got.

Why was his wage and your lifestyle relevant? If he was earning national minimum wage would you think it differently? Each to their own. You crack on with what makes you happy!

Why doesn’t your son help out with the housework too? Or is that just what girls do?

I was all for go for your life on this but I do think it’s a bit sad that your daughter may actually want to do more in terms of career and role modelling is so important. For what it’s worth I am really keen my children both learn that it’s important to stand on their own two feet and are financially independent, not rely on anyone. This ensures that they will always have the freedom not to have to stay In relationships unless they want to

What's your definition?

This is such a typical MN response!

If you are happy then that is fine. Tell your sister to jog on.
Any job is a good job if you take a pride in it. And your p/t job as a teaching assistant is a very valuable one.
And your job as a homemaker is a valuable one.
It works for you so what business is it of anyone else? ... including me!

You are an adult and can make whatever choices suit you. But I feel really sad for your daughter and the narrow example she is being set about her potential.

My husband earns over £270k (inclusive of bonus-so less than your husband but a very significant amount) and I no longer work. Children are of school age (two of them) and whilst we had planned to send them privately, that was not to be due to SEND. One in specialist, one in mainstream; both have EHCPs.

It wasn't the original plan but it works for us with the cards we have been dealt. Husband pays into my pension every year. I have my pensions from my career too. I have the income from our two rental properties in my name. I know he is a decent man and if we ever split up, which I don't think we will, he would acknowledge that my career was shelved in order to care for our children appropriately given their additional needs. We have always had a joint account, all finances are shared and our next big financial goal is paying off our mortgage in the next 3 years.

There is no point in us having two competing careers....I'd earn less than a fifth of what he does in a year if I was full time in my previous role and be less able to support him and our children.

Her children will have good educations and be able to make their own choices. I am sure they will see lots of women with careers outside the home as well as careers within the home. They also have before them an amicable example of amicably shared roles, of parents working as a team.
The idea that OP is not standing on her own two feet seems strange to me. She is choosing to make her contribution to society in her way. Just because her OH contributes money and she contributes a time does not make her a lesser mortal.

Why would you start a thread with a 'throwaway' user name and then reveal so much personal information about yourself?

Husband's age
Husband's job
Poster's job
Children's ages
Details of childen's schooling
Details of sister's career

Where husband's been on business

I will always choose a more traditional model, because the modern models where the couple contributes 50/50 simply don’t work as men don’t pull their weight when it comes to household chores and life admin.
I don’t have children but in all my relationships where I lived with men, they contributed more financially and I contributed more with the cleaning, cooking, etc. I had a full time job throughout, so you could say that I worked more than men because they’d come home from work and relax whilst I’d come home to clean and cook, but the financial benefit means that I will be able to go part time before I retire.

That said, I think the fully traditional model where the woman stays at home and the man is the provider is very dangerous as it could trap women in potentially abusive marriages.

I was going to say I love your setup and wouldn’t mind that for myself at all, apart from
the fact that I’d hire a cleaner, gardener, etc.

Unfortunately, how your children’s views seem to be shaped my your home setup is not for me at all. Sounds like you and your husband have some work to do in that area.
Do you get your son/s to help around the house like your daughter? I hope so. The world doesn’t need more males with misogynistic attitudes.

I have been around the private school system for almost 15 years now and I know loads of families with your set up. It’s not that unusual. It is always men who are partners in professional services / hedge funds / private equity / senior in investment banks although a lot in tech not always front office. The wives work in schools like you or have very part time jobs in charities or the public sector. There are actually quite a lot of GPs and dentists who work part time.

Personally it’s not for me, I work in one of the fields I mentioned so I often have more in common with the school dads than the school mums. Not as high earning as your DH though! It would bore me silly to be managing the house all day. My DH runs a few businesses and we are equal contributors. We share all the house and kids load and I think that’s a much better balance. It can be stressful at times as we both have “important” jobs but it works for us. I did work part time for many years but in a full on role. I like being financially independent although sometimes envy the very part time mums off to the gym etc.

This isn’t my experience at all. My DH does so much in the house, probably more than I do.

I got distracted from the main question by the fact that you mentioned Lake Como in FOUR separate posts OP 😂 Don’t worry, I think we all noticed!

I will give the response you seem to be looking for: ‘Oooh, Lake Como! That’s great! I wish I had a job that involved going to Lake Como 😀’

I would hate your situation because I loathe domestic chores. I haven't ever been interested in supporting someone else's career because I have my own. But I think part of that comes from having an extremely clever mum, aunty and grandma who kind of ended up in traditional roles which didn't necessarily do them any favours.

Then I guess you’re a very lucky woman.