AIBU to be content with a traditional division of labour?

[BeCosyNavyMentor]

Throwaway. My husband (41) is a corporate lawyer specialising in big mergers and acquisitions in the City. He routinely works 12-14 hour days, often gets called in at weekends, and travels to Europe a few times a month. He earns around £250-300k a year plus bonus, which covers our mortgage on a 5-bed in Surrey, private school fees for all three kids, and pretty much everything else.
I work three days a week term-time as a teaching assistant. The rest of the time I run the house completely — all cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids’ schedules, homework, birthdays, dentist appointments, shopping, dealing with the builders, everything. At weekends he might take the children to play football for an hour or two, but I’m still the one managing it all. He’s not lazy in himself — he’s just focused on his career and bringing home the money.
The truth is I’m mostly happy with it. I actually enjoy being the one who holds the home together and I’m proud of what he does. We rarely argue about it and the kids are thriving. My sister says I’m letting him get away with murder and that no modern woman should accept this in 2026.
AIBU to think this is just a normal, practical arrangement for a lot of families? Or have I internalised the patriarchy and should be furious?

If it's a practical arrangement that works for you, then go for it.
But yes, you have internalised the patriarchy, you are letting him get away with murder, and you are providing unhelpful role models for your children.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it’s really helpful to hear from someone in a similar financial situation to us.
I completely understand why you’ve chosen to keep working — that financial independence and self-respect makes total sense, especially with the stories you’ve seen. For me, my three days a week at the school gives me enough adult interaction and a bit of my own money, while still letting me run the home the way I like.
DH has never shown any loss of respect for me. If anything he’s very appreciative and often says he couldn’t do what he does without me holding everything together. I know the divorce statistics are worrying, but we’re very solid and I do feel valued in my role.
It’s interesting how different couples find what works for them, isn’t it? Thank you again for sharing your experience

Thanks for your reply.
I’m glad you agree it’s a practical arrangement that works for us. However I completely disagree that I’ve ‘internalised the patriarchy’ or that I’m letting him get away with murder. I’m an intelligent woman making a conscious choice that makes me happy and allows our family to thrive.
My husband is very respectful of what I do and regularly tells me he couldn’t do his job without me. Our children see two parents who like and value each other, not some terrible patriarchal nightmare. I actually think that’s a pretty healthy role model.
We’re both happy with our setup, so I’m not sure why it seems to upset people so much.

Personally I think this is a horrendous dynamic that’s unfeminist and upholds the oppression of women but I don’t have to live your life, so you do you

They are never “the type” until they are.
Either way, it wouldn’t work for me, I value my independence too much and I LOATHE all things domestic. Except cooking, I like that.
I would be utterly miserable if my entire life was looking after the home and children.
But, so what? You prefer different things to me, neither of us is “better, or “right” we are just different? You are doing what works for you op. Keep doing that!
My only caveat to that, from what you’ve posted, would be to also teach your daughter that she can choose too. If she wants a life looking after family and home, fine. But she does have other options too.

It's not that couples find that this way works for them. It's that patriarchy still continues to reward men with the higher pay and status whilst keeping women financially vulnerable but believing that they get stability in return.

And it's clearly working by keeping you in your place but making you believe that it was a choice you made. Patriarchy in action.

this post was edited to remove "Here's your reply" at the top and quote marks around it. OP is using AI which doesn't particularly help ward off the trad wife propaganda allegations.

Surely you employ a cleaner or you could if you wanted to if he earns that much. If you have the qualifications you could have a career. And given your children are school age, you are the one not doing much rather than your husband.

The fact you can’t see how deeply depressing it is that your children (allegedly) said this is deeply depressing in itself. Who needs the manosphere when women are promoting its messages all by themselves.

Feminism is about women having a choice in how to live their lives. If you are happy with your life, if you have time and resources to do things you enjoy outside of your family and home, and if your husband supports you emotionally and respects your opinions and needs, then how you choose to live is no one else’s concern. My only worry would be your financial independence if the worst happened and you split up. As long as you have made provision for this, then go on and enjoy what sounds like a lovely life.

Well, surely it’s hardly unlikely you’re bringing your children up with some warped ideas about what men and women do, if they don’t have good role models at home and think mummies bustle around cooking and fathers are totally disengaged? At least make sure they’re around women with careers and men who are hands on parents.

Do grandparents help with school fees, or is there another source that goes towards those? For 3 children, I can't see how you do that and live a life where you are not worrying about finances.

If it works for you it's fine. Feminism is about having a choice, not dictating what women do with those choices.

If it works for you and you're all happy I don't see what the issue is. He is providing for his family and taking care of you all in a different way to what you're doing.

It sounds like you and your children have a great relationship with your husband and that the time spent together is meaningful which is more than some families who don't have the amount of hours at work that your husband does.

Stealth boast post with AI responses rolled into one!

Regardless, if you’re that happy with you’re life then why are you posting on here for affirmation and shooting down opinions when you’ve come on a forum asking for them.

It’s fine to be happy with that lifestyle if that’s your choice. But you need to teach your daughter that she has a choice too and that she doesn’t have to end up like you. Likewise please teach your sons that running a house isn’t just a job for women…

Feminism is not about women having a choice. It's about women having rights and freedoms. And there is no choice when men aren't facing the same outcomes and consequences.

And any woman who limits her female child by expectation and example is not a woman demonstrating any form of equality or liberation. And he's not a great father if he does the same.

This arrangement worked very well for us for seven or eight years. It was a huge struggle financially but it was the way we wanted to live and Ive never had any regrets.

Nothing to add.
But 400K bonus!! Thud.
I am also focussed on my career and earning money.

Are you using AI to compose your replies, OP?

But putting that aside, if I'm happy with the way things are going in my life, I don't much care what other people think about it. There will always be people who don't understand or don't approve of something in your lifestyle, so why waste time worrying about outside opinions? If you don't see a problem with it, then do what works for you and ignore everyone else.

Your role is as important as his and if this arrangement suits you both all is good.

It wouldn’t be for me, but that’s because in grew up in a family like this, and I don’t think it did me many favours.

I definitely grew up understanding that men were simply more important than women. I always believed I could only work until I had kids (until an embarrassingly late age!) and I still resent that my dad prioritised his career over me. It didn’t send me helpful messages about my value.

This, this was my main take away here!

My DH earns £250k and we need my £150k on top for our 5 bed in a nice part of the home counties, and a decent lifestyle for us + 2 kids (hobbies, 2 holidays a year, but we don't drive fancy cars).

God knows how hes paying for 3 lots of Surrey school fees!

Just make sure he's putting pension away in your name.

There’s nothing massively ‘traditional’ about your set up, if you are real and not tradwife propaganda. You are in a financial position enjoyed by fewer than 1% of the population. My grandmothers who raised 17 children between them in poverty in the mid 20th century would struggle to relate to your lifestyle.

I honestly don’t GAF about how people organise paid and unpaid work in their homes as long as they have roughly equal leisure time. The ones that rile me are the ones when dad is off playing golf/at the gym/down the pub in his free time when the OP is left literally holding the baby and has to beg for time off.

No it isn't.