AIBU to be content with a traditional division of labour?

[BeCosyNavyMentor]

Throwaway. My husband (41) is a corporate lawyer specialising in big mergers and acquisitions in the City. He routinely works 12-14 hour days, often gets called in at weekends, and travels to Europe a few times a month. He earns around £250-300k a year plus bonus, which covers our mortgage on a 5-bed in Surrey, private school fees for all three kids, and pretty much everything else.
I work three days a week term-time as a teaching assistant. The rest of the time I run the house completely — all cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids’ schedules, homework, birthdays, dentist appointments, shopping, dealing with the builders, everything. At weekends he might take the children to play football for an hour or two, but I’m still the one managing it all. He’s not lazy in himself — he’s just focused on his career and bringing home the money.
The truth is I’m mostly happy with it. I actually enjoy being the one who holds the home together and I’m proud of what he does. We rarely argue about it and the kids are thriving. My sister says I’m letting him get away with murder and that no modern woman should accept this in 2026.
AIBU to think this is just a normal, practical arrangement for a lot of families? Or have I internalised the patriarchy and should be furious?

😂😂😂

I’m all for people running their homes and families as they see fit. The roles are reversed in our house, I earn the big salary (investment banking), work the long, stressful hours and travel. DH works full time as well but more ‘normal’ hours and picks up most of the slack at home. It works for us. I encourage DD to be ambitious for her own career though rather than potter about with the hoover.

Obviously everyone should get to set up life as they like but your comments about your son and daughter made me pause. I really, really hope that you ensure all your children are prepared to care for a home ‘and’ have a career as it’s incredibly unlikely they’ll both find themselves in the traditional relationship you enjoy. Your daughter might need or want to be financially self sufficient and your son is likely to have a partner who anticipates a fully trained adult who can cook and do laundry. So if your daughter is following you around with the hoover, your son should be too.

My husband’s parents were and are massively traditional - his dad has never cooked a meal and was very proud to change his first nappy when my son was a baby. Somehow never got to it for either of his children or my daughter who is older. He is waited on hand and foot by my mother in law. However, she didn’t raise her children like that. My husband was by her side cooking meals from when he was young and as we have a more typical marriage for this era, he does 99% of the cooking for our family (I hate cooking! But I do all the laundry). So it’s fine that you’re content (though do everything everyone is mentioning to protect yourself financially. Not just because of divorce but ill health or worse can come for anyone at any time), but you need to ensure you don’t assume your children will follow your pattern.

I think this is a brilliant set-up and as it works for you that is great, as long as you are married and so (in the U.K.) financially protected in case of breakup. I say that as a senior corporate executive with a husband who works full time and two children. It is not easy, or ideal for children when both work full time and I desperately wish I’d been able to find a part time job that didn’t put us in a difficult financial situation.

I think the trouble comes when the woman is an equally high-earning executive and enjoys her job then is expected to step back but isn’t happy about it.

It can work the other way too. I saw my mum doing everything at home and thought fuck that. I work full time and am a high earner (not as much as the tanned, Lake Como frequenting, super duper corporate lawyer of course) who does minimal housework.

Guys did you know he went to Lake Como for a business trip?!! I think OP is living out a little fantasy here because no matter how many work trips I go on to nice locations I’ve never humble bragged them a fifth as hard as this poster.

Regressive gender stereotypes and outsourced thinking. No, this isn’t in any way something I aspire to OP.

It is about gender equality.

Feminism is about liberation from patriarchy. The OP ain’t liberated.

Yes, but that doesn't dictate what people have to do with the equality. Equality of opportunity. I like the original description 'biology is not destiny'. How we are born should not dictate or limit are choices. And so if a family choose to have one person work and one person stay at home, thay's a choice. I know a family where the dad stays at home and the mum works. That's equality of opportunity. Me and my husband both work, that's equality of opportunity.

I have been in your situation raising a lot of children and with a DH with a totally inflexible career so I stayed at home... I got a job when I was 54 and now I am retraining for a profession and will qualify when I'm 59, which has been fantastic. The only thing I would say is make sure you individual pension situation etc is all in order... I say all this but I wouldn't encourage my daughter to be reliant on a man despite what I have done.. it's just how it panned out for us and I feel grateful I was able to be here all the time and don't regret it at all. I have had the best of both worlds.

The gender we are born in does influence opportunities in life unfortunately. The fact that both genders work doesn't automatically mean that there is "equality of opportunity". I am not saying that OP should or shouldn't do anything but choosing to do something (or not) doesn't make someone a feminist.

Well that 'OP' with his AI generated trad wife agenda melted like snow.

Sex. We aren’t born with a gender.

Exactly. Op, if you’re happy, you’re happy, but think about what kind of message you’re sending your children. Do you encourage the boys to help out with household chores too, and talk to your daughter about women having careers? Sorry if this has already been asked, I’ve not read the full thread.

If it works for you then great! However, I would feel so vulnerable if something happened to your DH. Also I wouldn’t like the example I was setting the kids. I’d also worry about resentment. My DH also manages to work and take our younger one to school, and ferry kids from activities during the week.

Indeed.
It is about choice.
Both men and women can now make choices about how they organise their family lives and careers.
The OP and her OH have chosen one way and that is fine.
The point is that at one time the woman would have had no choice and now she has. The fact that some choose what was once the norm and no longer is does not mean it is a negative thing.
The idea that her DD will miss that she also has choice and think she has to do the same is crazy.
The current mindset devalues the choice of being a home parent and that is wrong. It is a valuable job.

I think it seems like a fair division of labour, but I’d also think that if you were the high flyer and he was working part time and carrying the domestic load. It’s not about ‘traditional gender roles’ as such, just splitting duties practically. And you earn, so you’re not putting yourself in a position of complete financial vulnerability.

It doesn't sound like OP actually chose not to have a career though. It seems it has just happened because of the long hours her DH works and that he therefore doesn't contribute much to the family. That is the reason a lot of women end up without a career.

Why would you be unreasonable to be content with your life? It sounds fine to me. You both work hard, your husband is respectful and appreciates you. I think most people who moan about the division of labour are doing so because its clearly unfair with one person doing a lot more than the other/ having much less downtime than the other / having no respect for the other (eg making all the family decisions because they earn more).

However I'd be quite concerned that your kids want to follow these traditional roles as they don't work for everyone and you need to be a very high earner or married to a very high earner to live comfortably. If either of them have 'normal jobs they might struggle. For instance if your son internalises that bringing up kids and housework is womens work, but earns a salary where both parents have to work, that's going to cause issues for him. And if your daughter thinks she is going to find someone to look after her so she can stay at home or work very part time then she might not try for anything more so may not have a fall back option, or she may marry someone that she isn't compatible with because he is rich. I know young kids want to be like their parents and that's normal but I'd be having conversations about alternatives, back ups, and the reality for most parents other than the very richest is that most parents work and share responsibilities

But she could also choose to work F/T and use child care and cleaner etc.
That is I think the point ... she has choice.

How the children behave now doesn't mean they wont change. The daughter will see her friends with working mums, and will see female role models in all walks of life. She may find a subject at school so deeply fascinating she wants to spend her life studying it. She may want her own money to buy luxuries. She might meet a partner she loves who doesn't earn very well and so decides to be the breadwinner to support them both. She might say 'I like how my parents did it, I'm going to do it that way' or she might say 'Mum, Dad, I'm joining the army'. And it will be OP and her husbands job to put their own opinions to one side and say 'You'd be great at that, go for it'

And make sure you don't get into a habit of doing everything for the kids because it's 'your job'. Make sure they a) contribute as members of the household and b) are competent adults.

Trumptontown · Today 08:28
Exactly. Op, if you’re happy, you’re happy, but think about what kind of message you’re sending your children. Do you encourage the boys to help out with household chores too, and talk to your daughter about women having careers? Sorry if this has already been asked, I’ve not read the full thread.

Just because she chooses not to work full time does not mean one should assume any of the the things you are suggesting above. You are stereotyping her in the worst possible way by assuming that if she is at home caring for her children she is also against choice for all adults in their lives.

She is sending out a message about choice - she has made one choice and her DD will be exposed all the time to women who have made other choices - DD is not living in a bubble - she is at a private school where education and careers for women (should they so choose) are the stuff of everyday.

OP has also chosen a part time career in a job that is of huge value - helping small children to learn.

This bland assumption that any woman who chooses to fully parent their children at home is some sort of downtrodden dinosaur does not hold water.

It’s fine. I’d just be worried about it crashing down one day if your DH gets sick and has to leave the job for example. I’m sure you have savings to keep you afloat for a while, I’d just be concerned living primarily on one salary for this reason. Being a PT TA is nice but I’m assuming is your pocket money, it doesn’t pay well.