to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

And by having them over you’ll be helping them in more ways than you can imagine. It’s so good for them to see a home like yours.

I would hate this. My house always has extra kids in, my dd’s best friend (over 18 now) even moved in with us stealthily and has lived with us for 3 years. It is unusual for me to be cooking a meal without cooking for one or two extra teens, most weekends we have several teenagers sleeping over.

One other thing - they are all, without exception, very kind to my DD and always take the time to say hi or
to ask how she is. Interestingly, the boy who has the “worst” reputation is the kindest of them all and sits patiently while she tells him about her day or shows him a new squishy toy she got fro being brave with a blood draw.

That’s so kind. I hope so, they are very nice boys from my experience, and the concept of banning them because of their or their family’s reputation is crazy to me.

Love this. We used to live in a similar town and encouraged our teen son's friends to hang out at our house for the same reasons you have described.

Zooming out to look at the bigger picture (aside from your husband needing to manage himself in order to not make his loved one's lives worse in the short term) - creating a situation where your teens feel like 1) their peers aren't acceptable to their family, and 2) they need to hang out in other places - would be very, very unwise.

You sound lovely. Moved in with us stealthily made me laugh 😂if nothing else I want them to know I’m grateful to them for being good friends to my DS and if they have some crisps or need a wee….i don’t think that’s a deal breaker!

Your husband needs to get a grip here!

If your DH continues like this it’s going to affect his long term relationship with his son which is terribly sad.
What a shame DS’s friends aren’t welcomed in his own home.

Why are so many people anal about toilets? They are designed to be shit and pissed in, and then it gets flushed away.

I have OCD. The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that I can’t let it dictate my children’s lives. I have to sit with being uncomfortable sometimes. Children don’t deserve to have their life restricted for their parents problem.

I agree. And how you mentioned the boy with your DD just proves it. Honestly you can change the outcome of someone’s life by small acts of kindness like this and setting a good example . My DH grew up in a rough area. His friends mum had him in for dinner one night and he went back every day for about 2 years 🙈 They are still in contact 30 years later and she sends presents for our kids.

YANBU for wanting your DS to have his friends over. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be the home that the DC come to. My parents were very much the same: friends welcome over (some had very difficult/challenging home life), they did have house rules, and wouldn't hesitate to remind our (me/my siblings) friends to tidy/clean up after themselves etc. My parents wanted our house to be a safe place for us/our friends to hang out in (far better that than us hanging out on the streets). They even took in one of my brother's friends when his mum had a nervous breakdown. When me/my siblings left home, our friends would still drop by to see my folks. When my folks died, the Church was packed with not just family or friends of family, but our own mates who adored my parents and wanted to pay their respects. And yes, my parents were strict with curfews, behaviour etc.

I've kept the same thing going with my own DC (they're now 12 and 19): my house is SMALL (and only one bathroom!), but we budge up and make room and friends are welcome over. I know they're all safe, and I can keep an eye on them. Yes, teenagers are like locusts, but I make sure snacks/soft drinks available, and we have plenty of camping beds/mattresses for DC's friends to sleep on. I have house rules (clean up after yourselves!), and expect good manners, homework to be done etc, but they know they can come here and I'll make sure they're all safe. I'm apparently the first port of call if eldest (DS) has been on a night out and one of his group is stranded/can't get home (particularly when they were all still in 6th form). Far better they come to my place, where they'll be safe. My eldest is away at his Dad's place at the moment, but one of his friends (who he's known since they were 4!) swung by to say hello this evening (and asked to use my treadmill!!). He had supper with me/my DD (there was plenty to go around), then helped with the washing up before heading home. 😂

If your DH has an OCD diagnosis, then I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him. It would be good for him to get the help he needs to manage his condition better, but this shouldn't prevent your DC having friends over.

Oh, forgot to add, I came home from work once (I do shifts), to find my DS had some friends over (they'd finished their A Level exams). They'd done the housework, mowed the lawn and had made me and DD some supper!

The best part about being a teenager was hanging out with my mates every evening after school.

Your poor kids.

Is your DH autistic?

Oh my bloody hell! I've heard it all now. You don't want teenage kids round because they'll use the loo??? Seriously??? This is the oddest thing I've seen for ages.

I have 4 "kids" - youngest and only one who is (sometimes) at home is 22. It's their house too. They have friends who have stayed over many years and hopefully felt at home and welcome here.

The offending boys just use the downstairs loo. Oh my goodness. I despair. I have never heard such madness, and I have been on Mumsnet in various guises since 2004. Your dh has a problem that will affect his children's social lives.

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Your H needs to get therapy.

He is being seriously unreasonable.

Make him find a therapist; he needs to work hard on his problem.

Surely he has as much say as you though?

I couldn't put up with a DH like yours. He must make your DH feel terrible all the time just for wanting friends around.

He may think the same if it stresses him out this much

I can't believe what I read on here at times. How does your husband expect this behaviour will affect his children? Extremely odd at best; he needs therapy.

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I think his feelings are just as valid, but when it comes to decisions that affect the whole household and are based on his obsession with cleanliness and order, it Becomes less clear to me if his preference should carry as much weight. Hence why I asked the question. I now feel the answer is in face no, he shouldn’t have as much say, mainly because this thread has shows me he’s not just being unreasonable, he’s actively being harmful to DS if he stops friends coming over due to their use of the loo.

Could you ring fence a few days they don't come over? The your husband knows there are a few nights he'll come home to his home as he wants it. Whilst still letting your son and his friends have their time too.

If your husband is quite rigid in his ways generally, it may be the uncertainty of never knowing what he's coming home to that's not helping either.