To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

OK, then you're not asking for much at all. You'd simply like to see him in clothes that look a bit fresher?

yes - plus the almost exclusive use of charity shops limits choice - say like the fit or age of jeans for example or a colour.
We live rurally and have really quite poor charity shops. We did go to a local ish quite well to do market town with excellent charity shops- but he found nothing.
an hours drive, the fuel, it can be a nice thing to
do together , and it was , but just occasionally if like him to buy fresh and new and from a choice of styles - nothing out there - m and s or next for eg .

I get it. What would work with my DH is flattery. You have to remind him he's hot as he is (hopefully this is true for you), and that you love him regardless of his clothes, but that he looks especially hot in eg a shirt and you haven't seen him in one for ages, would he wear one for you next time you go for dinner?

My ex-husband was a complete dullard when it came to clothes. Would grab the first baggy pair of jeans or cheap tshirt and that was enough. It's not about having designer clothes, it's about looking like you care enough to make an effort.

Thats it tho - i care - he does not care .
Id just like a middle ground .

I don't understand why his penchant for shopping in charity shops would stop you from buying some things for him to try on. It's a hassle to return things that don't fit, but if it's that important to you might be worth the work. Will he not wear clothes if they don't come from a charity shop (or aren't Sainsbury's t-shirts)? Is it just that he doesn't want to spend the money on clothes? (In that case, you could give him clothes as birthday and Christmas gifts.)

I can't really relate, because I don't care that much about clothing myself, so long as someone is clean and not always dressed in something that looks like it's fit for the rag bag—but if it were important to me, I'd be shopping for him, unless he'll just refuse to wear things you buy.

Our houses aren't another human being though...

I think OP has had an unreasonably hard time. She’s been really clear he used to make an effort in his appearance and now no longer does, and as something important to her, this upsets her.
The lack of effort speaks volumes, and I don’t think you’re in the slightest bit unreasonable. It’s as though you’ve stuck to the unspoken terms of that part of your relationship and he hasn’t.
its not shallow to care about things that matter to you.

I'm going to go against the grain of other posters comments.

@Boomboomi I agree with what you're trying to say here. There's no excuse to not make an effort to look put together and well groomed IMO. Even on a very limited budget.

I'm single, but if I had a partner I'd like them to at least look well dressed and smell fresh. I had a close male friend who only wore cheapest black slazenger trainers, cheap checked shirts and ill-fitting baggy jeans - that gave me the ick! His personality matched it tbf.

Have you thought about asking if you can style a capsule wardrobe for your DH, as a side project for you as you enjoy styling?

To the first poster who mentioned roles reversed, I'm not sure this request from the OP quite is the same as asking a partner to cover up or not wear make up!

get it. What would work with my DH is flattery. You have to remind him he's hot as he is (hopefully this is true for you), and that you love him regardless of his clothes, but that he looks especially hot in eg a shirt and you haven't seen him in one for ages, would he wear one for you next time you go for dinner?

tried that one ! 😂
when I complimented him - he said he wd buy some new stuff- it never happened.
I feel like buying him some stuff - but id feel like his mother buying his clothes .
it may work though ! However, he can be bullish and deliberately not wear it .. he s said that he can be like that if he feel s told what to
do .

like my mates dh - likes a nice outfit - he loves it when he gets compliments- dont we all at times?

No we don’t all enjoy compliments about our appearance, in fact I hate them; I dress for myself and don’t look for external validation when it comes to how I look as I’m happy and secure with myself now I’m nearing 40. I spent my teens, 20’s and early 30’s conforming to societal expectations and wearing whatever was fashionable at the time and what “others” thought made me look good; it’s actually quite liberating now to not give two shits and just wear what I want because I like it (and I dress far from “boring” as I also enjoy colour, shapes and fabrics).

You've mentioned several times about people looking good for others and honestly, I think it’s very unhealthy if external validation is the driving force behind someone’s style. Everyone should be dressing to please themselves and if they get compliments then that’s a bonus but it shouldn’t be a factor in my opinion.

I actually prefer people who have lovely personalities rather than those who only dress part.

Now if someone was dirty or wearing something inappropriate (holes or tatty clothing, trackies to a wedding) then that would be a different story but that’s not the case for your DH so you should leave him alone.

I’m sure it’s not your intention OP but please be careful speaking about this in real like as this post is coming across as controlling to me and also self centred as you’re taking something that should be about your DH and making it all about you with no regards to his feelings or comfort because no, it’s not the same as buying someone flowers.

There are also parts of your posts that are very creepy to be honest. Can you imagine if a man came on here complaining that his wife doesn’t dress as nicely like his mates wife who dresses to look good for others and therefore gets lots of compliments? Or that his wife doesn’t smell as good as his DIL who always smell lovely with perfume and likes to look good?

you try to be hilarious but you know exactly what I mean.
Did you feel personally attacked in any way? not my fault if I touched a nerve with you

Most people are not consistant.

If you wear the same thing at work and at weddings, if you make the same efforts for your boss, your friends and your own partner, then fair enough.

But most people wear something appropriate and make an effort for certain occasions, bit rude to think your own partner is not worthy of the same effort.

No one is asking women to wear limo shoes if they hate them, but if you wear a dress for your friends while laughing at your partner expecting the same when he takes you out for diner, what a way to put him in his place and make clear where your priorities lie.

Who would want to stay with someone like that?

This thread has tickled me.

I have always loved clothes and fashion. It may be shallow but I enjoy reading about it and thinking about it and wearing it. I like to make an effort with my outfits. Hair and make up are very simple and low-key but I am always presentable.

My husband genuinely could not be less interested in clothes. Wears the same “uniform” to work and one for the weekends. When his work stuff is looking tatty, I buy new stuff as he genuinely wouldn’t notice or care.

I bought him a few new bits recently and asked him to try them on to see if they fit. He said he’d rather do taxes - his normal least favourite job. 😂

Fortunately, he cares so little that he’s happy for me to sort it for him. It’s his life’s mission to never shop for clothes. That sounds unequal, but he’s happy to take on my avoidance of technology and sorting out the bills, so I think it all works out.

Fortunately, he’s hot, and the clothes are always clean, so he gets away with it. I’ll probably have to increase my stealth shopping efforts as he gets older!

Have you thought about asking if you can style a capsule wardrobe for your DH, as a side project for you as you enjoy styling?

great idea!!!
i did offer to buy good stuff of vinted .. maybe I cd do that - when i offered before he said no - i want to choose- but maybe he wd let me do it in the way you put it!
( our nearest city is 1.5 hrs away so a job lot from m and s ( i know i keep mentioning) may work .
He is not very tall - so needs a short leg and jackets drown him , but i would love to try that !

@Boomboomi: I also would find him more attractive if he dressed a teeny bit differently- and i am sure he would , underneath like that too .!

Wow. You would find him more attractive if he dressed more like he used to when you met, and you are sure that, underneath, he would like that?

If a man wrote that about his wife......... 😱😱😱

I actually prefer people who have lovely personalities rather than those who only dress part.

such a lazy argument.

People can have both you know? Some of the best dressed women I know have also the most interesting personalities and life😁
Just a question of time and a place

I sort of understand where you are coming from here. My husband see zero value in fashion and pretty much wears the same few outfits on repeat. I like clothes and care how I look, I don’t however remotely expect him to match that effort, and I can acknowledge that how he dresses actually has zero effect on my life.

if you’re only asking for him to occasionally spend 20mins ordering some clothes online, I don’t understand why you don’t do that because it matters to you?!

why? do you expect a man to be suddenly put off by what attracted him in the first place? 😂😂

you’re only asking for him to occasionally spend 20mins ordering some clothes online, I don’t understand why you don’t do that because it matters to you

because in the past when I have offered to do that he has eithe
said

• no he wants to choose ( goes to charity shops almost exclusively which restricts him) or
• said no I will do it , but doesnt .

You can suggest it but if he isn’t interested I don’t think there is anything you can do. My DH dresses more casually than me - sometimes I think he looks like a bit of a scuff (clean and smells nice but clothes don’t go). I don’t care though - I am only bothered by myself.

And if he expected you to dress a certain way because ‘he really valued it’, would you do so? You are being extremely controlling. I grew up around someone who was obsessed with what people wore and it’s bloody exhausting.

Clothes aren’t important to a lot of people, in fact it can be seen as rather shallow, so long as he’s clean then it’s all good. Unless it is of such high importance that it’s a dealbreaker, in which case you should probably consider trading him in, just make sure his replacement is aware of the dress code.

Put off? No, definitely not. But perhaps naively I would hope that he found his wife as attractive now as on the day they met, even if she didn’t take the same care with the clothes she wore.

Or at least I would expect him to suffer the consequences if he said otherwise on here.

I wish I could relate. My DH always looks like he stepped out of a GQ magazine (he sometimes wears a uniform for work) and I usually look like I have never even seen a fashion magazine at the chemist.

Are you quoting people in your posts? There is a quote button which makes posts clearer.

I know you expect him to dress a certain way to make you feel good but he clearly dresses in a way that he’s comfortable. Why is your idea of what
he should wear more important than his?

Why is policing your partner’s wardrobe something that is seen as okay if a woman does it but abusive if it’s a man?

So is he buying clothes that look worn?

I have clothes from charity shops & you wouldn't know.

I think it's naive to pretend someone would be as attracted by their partner who doesn't make any effort, as they were when they first met.

People change, but it's the attitude.

Many women would not remotely be attracted by a man who let himself go and look nothing like he used to. Sexual attraction need a minimum effort in the long term, or you end up with women who find sex a chore because their husband is nowhere near what he used to be and is making no effort.

Don't get me wrong, as long as they are not MY partner, I couldn't care less ,but I read every day about women (or men) with no sex drive whatsoever. (which magically comes back when they start a new relationship)