To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

No we don't. Not all of us.

diddl

Yes he sometimes gets stuff that looks worn / tired.
But its also the fact that the style s available / choice is so limited as almost all from charity shops- what they have dictates what he can get from quite a small pool of charity shops in a small town .
Id love a fresh new pair if jeans and a shirt.
sometimes his wardrobe smells musty .( he does wash them of course) .

It's clear from the many conversations you and he have already had that he does not want to dress the way you want him to dress. It also sounds like he dresses perfectly "appropriately" but just not in as exciting and fashionable manner as you would like. Thus, even though you seem perfectly nice otherwise, you are being quite superficial and controlling. It's fine to offer to buy him a couple of pieces that he might like from vinted, or gift him a jumper he and you might both like, but if he turns this down/doesn't wear the gift as it sounds like he has you need to move on fast and get over it.

I think a couple should both want to make effort for each other, without controlling the other.

But people don’t get to control what others wear, it IS shallow to make it about yourself.

Outside of being clean then you don’t get to make him responsible for your own feelings.

I hear you. My DH is a stylish dresser and it is a thing that I find very attractive. If he suddenly started dressing in a style I found boring or dull there is no way I would him attractive. He is the same about me though, we both take pride in our appearance for each other.

What made him stop? You said he dressed up nicely at the beginning but not anymore.
Why?

See, if my partner was wearing dirty, stained clothing which was unclean, I simply wouldn't go out with them, not out of the house, I'd say why as well.

The OP is in a different place though, her man is wearing clean clothes, presumably ok fitting but just boring and not notable.

I might buy them a few pieces and see if they wear them but ultimately clean and boring is a low but acceptable standard, dirty clothes or hair wouldn't be ok for me and I wouldn't want to appear outside with anyone in those. That's the standard in our house and I'm ok with it!

It’s damaging to a relationship when one partner tries to control the other partner.

And what about men who aren’t attracted to their wives once they have had kids etc? Is that okay?

In a marriage it’s nice to care about your appearance for your partner. To keep a spark of attraction alive in a marriage it’s an intelligent thing to do. Boring but true. To keep a marriage alive it has to worked at. To get complacent and wear rotten baggy joggers is not attractive. Most men wouldn’t want their wives looking like a sack of spuds so why isn’t it ok for a wife to care?

My DH is like this. His clothes are clean, he has excellent hygiene, neat nails, regular hair cuts but he just does not give a shit what he looks like. He won’t wear anything I buy. He doesn’t care what colours go together. He very rarely has to wear anything other than jeans and a tshirt so after 17 years now I just let him crack on.

In a way I’m jealous that he doesn’t care what other people think of his appearance.

It also means that I can refuse to take any feedback on my own sartorial choices from him.

How very shallow. You wouldn’t be attracted to him unless he dressed in a way that you found exciting? Although I suppose it’s okay if you are both like it.

Nope to musty, I have also intervened with musty- just seized the clothes, put them on a hot wash, followed by immediate drying (and some Dettol laundry cleaner). Thereafter, their usual washing practices are ok.

I don't go out with musty smelling, dirty or unkempt partners, that reflects badly on me. I don't need them to be fashionable, just not unpleasant for others to look at, this is such a low standard I can't believe anything could be otherwise.

I'm honest about musty/dirty clothes, and just say, that's disgusting, I'm not going out with you in that and that seems to solve the problem!

Because if a man told his wife she didn’t dress in an acceptable way or had put weight on he would be destroyed on here!

Im no expert but I think in a relationship it’s nice to accept someone for what they are

But swap the genders in your third paragraph and do you genuinely not think people on MN would react negatively to a man saying sex with his wife is a chore nowadays because she isn’t making the effort to look nice that she used to? And underneath he thinks she would like it if he found her more attractive?

Musty IS grim. Clean is fine

is that how you translate making an effort for your partner? them being controlling?

wow. Lucky them.

Effort should come from you, that's what you spectacularly miss,

Do you call your children controlling if you make an effort for their school evenings/ graduation etc? Or even jsut have a shower 😂

He IS expressing himself though. That's how he feels about clothes. He buys second hand so helping both charities and the environment on top of that.

He is clean and wears t-shirt and jeans, not hole-y old joggers with food stains down them that haven't been washed for a week.

You say you're arty but you don't come across like that at all. You want people to look how you want them too, not how they want to so you've no appreciation for differences or true self expression.

I guess you could just divorce him and meet someone that will dress as you want them to. LTB.

Oh I know it's MN, and men are WRONG always, and women are RIGHT always.

My personal point is valid for both, either, and in same-sex couple too.

But I cannot blame a man or woman to find sex a chore when the other one makes no effort - physically, or generally. Can't blame women to have no sexual interest for someone when they have to pick up their dirty socks .. or for one to not be attracted by someone who let themselves go.

but you were attracted by what they are when you got together.

It's when they change and are becoming someone different that you can't expect the same interest. You both age, you both change ,but you can still make effort.

I can't imagine being with a man saying "oh that's good enough for my wife, who cares". That would be grim, .

By the same token, I don’t blame people who look elsewhere if they feel their partner isnt interested in them due to something so shallow.

If the thing you were attracted by and is still of vital importance is something so shallow, it’s not much of a relationship.

Fair enough, though I think it is telling that while you say it works both ways, all of the examples in your messages are about men letting themselves go and women finding them less attractive, and never the other way around. Do you really find that equally understandable/acceptable?

good luck to them if they are so keen on making 0 effort 😂

Yup. Been doing this for 35 years.