To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

So he is clean and tidy...just boring ..to you...

This is just ridiculous. It is not important to him, you are trying to make him into something he is not, for what? So you feel he is aesthetically pleasing? So other people will not think his clothes are dull? To match your fashion sense?

That is so superficial, controlling and frankly, wrong.

That's absolutely nothing like OP describes, though. She says her DH is clean and wears jeans and tshirts - in other words, he dresses totally normally.

YANBU

I think it's important to make an effort for your other half, they deserve it.

It doesn't mean changing your style or be someone you are not, but when you know your partner prefers something, you make an effort occasionally. You would do with your friends (no one turns up at a wedding in a jogger), so why wouldn't you do it for the most important person?

Easy solution is to gift him a couple of tshirts/ shirts you like - and that he doesn't hate - so he can wear one when you go on a date.

Someone keeping fit and active is more important to me than clothes, but we do things based on our own partners, don't we

Imagine if the genders were reversed.
I want my wife to make more effort. My DIL wears a lovely perfume and likes to look and smell good but my wife doesn't.

You've not mentioned one thing about his personality

I am fairly certain my DH would prefer to see me in heels a nice dress showing a bit of leg or cleavage but instead he gets to see me in tidy jeans and t-shirt or a more Boho look because that's how I want to dress I would be right pissed off he got me presents of things he would like me to wear rather than what I want to wear

Maybe he thinks your dresses are fucking horrible but he loves you so doesn’t say anything.

Many people as they get older choose comfort over fashion. I know I have. Unless he frequently looks like an unwashed scruff bag, I think you're being shallow. I can understand if he flatly refuses to make an effort for very special occasions or maybe job interviews but otherwise you're just trying to mould him into something he doesn't want to be. Is he a good husband generally?

He can dress how he wants tbh. However, if I were you, I would buy him some nice clothes as a gift and then suggest he wear it when you’re going somewhere nice. I love buying clothes for my husband and when we’re going somewhere nice he always puts them on. He dresses nice by himself anyway but I just enjoy it so maybe that’s a nice way to start.

Also, I find mentioning your son-in-law in this context really strange 😂

PuppyMonkey
Sorry no - he likes my dresses and says i look nice - i just like people to make an effort. -like my mates dh - likes a nice outfit - he loves it when he gets compliments- dont we all at times ?

For me the visual impact of clothes isn’t nearly as significant as the tactile. I wonder if it could be similar for your dh?

I tried harder when I was younger, but clothes aren’t something I enjoy. I feel the effort of deciding what to wear. I’d rather wear a uniform and just forget about it - no mental effort of decisions, self monitoring, guaging reactions, considering if what I want to do next will matter to my clothing, etc.

I love that dh doesn’t mind that I wear jeans and a t shirt 90% of the time, or that on the occasions I dress up , I inevitably strip off as soon as it’s just us again. I hope he doesn’t think that means that I don’t care about what he thinks, because what it means to me is that I can be myself fully and authentically with him.

I know he would like me to dress differently - preferably in very revealing, short, clingy clothes. That’s not happening. So maybe that’s why he doesn’t seem to mind me dressing down, because my version of dressing up still doesn’t meet his ideal 😂

But even if his preferences were more reasonable, as I think yours probably are @Boomboomi, I would still struggle a bit. Clothes just don’t give me positive energy the way they do for others. It’s too much to carry day on day.

I think that you might possibly be taking something that is primarily about him, and making it about you, and getting unnecessarily hurt.

Just go on a sex strike until he smartens up

runs away to hide

YABU.

How would you like it if he tried to dictate or manipulate what you wear? There is a word for that sort of behaviour in relationships, and not a nice one. Controlling.

I suggest you accept him for who he is (it sounds like he accepts you for who you are) and apologise for your behaviour.

Agree with this. If you bought him new clothes he’d probably wear them.

ginasevern

yes - he is a good husband- i love art and fabric and stuff - i really appreciate it when humans dress pleasingly - just as i love art- i just find it attractive.

My DP dresses pretty shit most of the time. I buy him clothes I like, and I ask my better dressed male friends where they got pieces I like from and I buy them for him. (He knows this and doesn't mind). I send him off with a pretty specific list when he goes shopping on his own (eg for holiday I told him what shops to go to and fairly what specifically to buy like "a linen long sleeve shirt in any light colour you like", "a pair of cotton shorts in dark blue or dark green". Again he liked that because he doesn't know what to buy and I liked it because he got nice stuff.
If we're going out an I'm more dressed up than him I don't care because that reflects how we've both chosen to look. If he looks too informal for where we're going I'll just say you need to wear something better than that 😂

This.

" i really appreciate it when humans dress pleasingly"
What a wierd thing to say....

he likes my dresses and says i look nice -

Could be just sparing your feelings…

Something he doesnt hate.... what a lucky guy

My DH wears sports shorts that he has owned for 14 years! I have often joked that he can afford to buy a pair of trousers and he did a few weeks ago but hasn't even tried them on yet! It does mildly irritate me but I don't discuss it beyond encouraging him to buy things when we go out.

This is one of the reasons I don’t have a good relationship with my mum.

like the o/p, she would like me to dress “better”. Wear make up, get my nails done, get my hair cut short and styled, wear “nice” clothes.

she does not approve of my jeans and a hoodie with trainers style.

years of not so subtle “ooh you look lovely, you should wear dresses/make up/hair like that more often” comments if I wear anything different or that fits her “what a female should look like” view.

years of getting “nice” skirts, handbags, make up, vouchers for nail appointments for every Christmas and birthday. All unused/given away/charity shop. I can’t remember the last time she bought me a gift I actually wanted.

and I’m very ungrateful for not appreciating her expensive presents.

so yes, if my dh started on at me to dress better we’d soon not have a relationship either.

think that you might possibly be taking something that is primarily about him, and making it about you, and getting unnecessarily

good point! I guess I try to look nice for me and him - and struggle to understand why the same does not apply the other way round.

but he is brilliant in many other ways . i just hate looking at clothes some other men wear ( or women) in a genuinely appreciative way - the thought etc . I guess fabric is my thing!
i will try to accept that its not important to him .

& fucking annoying! I'd have told you to shut up about how I dress a long time ago. He's clean, he's presentable. He's not a doll for you to play dress ups with.

wearing a dress when he's wearing jeans is not an issue fgs.