To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

If you’re 3 years old maybe. Although I hated having to wear what my mum chose even as a 3 year old.

dh started laying out clothes he bought for me to wear I would leave him.

Because he doesn’t want clothes for his birthday and Christmas?

it’s a really shitty thing to do, buy someone a gift that’s actually for you.

Perfectly reasonable to encourage him to dress better. You want him to be attractive to you. I guess his scruffy clothing reflects on you too.

I don't think you are being controlling.

How is it shitty to buy some nice clothes for someone, it doesn't stop you from buying something they want and also some clothes.

Does he make an effort when you're going out or for special occasions? If he does then leave him be to dress how he wants at other times. I'd hate for anyone to try & control what I wear. If he's clean & doesn't smell then what he wears shouldn't be an issue for you. You do you & let him do him.

it’s shitty because to start it shows you don’t like something about them, and you want to change that. It shows you don’t understand them, and what they like.

believe me I’ve had years of it.

years of presents I don’t like or want that go in the cupboard or charity while I’m obliged to smile and say thank you. Years of constant digs that I’m not good enough and need to change, under the guise of something they’re doing “for me”.

you’d really be ok with your dh buying you stuff you don’t want as gifts? Say he likes hats, he buys you a different hat every birthday and Christmas, insists you wear it out with him.

there are already plenty of threads here from women disappointed in whatever their husbands bought them because they didn’t get it right. But it’s ok the other way round?

Well we’re all different aren’t we. Frankly I find clothes boring. They’re just to cover our bodies/ keep us warm/ make us comfortable.

Had to wear a specific dress/ uniform all my working life so the moment I changed jobs, gone were the dresses!

Now I just look to be clean, tidy and comfortable.

Dress appropriately for the occasion but don’t pretty much give a toss what other people think.

You’re artistic, maybe your OH isn’t.
If you want him to dress differently choose and buy stuff for him. Give him options.
Love him for who he is not who you want him to be.

You've reminded me of a thread from ages ago, where it was a male OP who hated V-neck jumpers, and told his wife this very clearly and repeatedly; but she insisted that she thought he looked great in them, and she loved the style and wanted to see him in them, so she kept on buying him V-neck jumpers for every birthday and Christmas, hoping that he would eventually give in and please her - so instead of a lovely present, she bought him no present AND the chore of having to take stuff to the charity shop.

It's the same as when men buy their wives nasty, scratchy, tacky underwear as 'a present for you, dear'; and also people who buy a goat for a poor African family and claim that it's a 'present' for a friend or family member (except if the 'recipient' of the token has explicitly asked for that in lieu of a present for themselves, or you know for a fact that they would want that).

Just like in The Simpsons, where Homer bought a bowling ball with his name monogrammed on it and the holes drilled to fit his fingers and claimed that it was a 'present' for Marge (who had no interest in bowling anyway) - this is selfish, often borderline coercive, and certainly nothing that would ever be done in love.

Absolutely agree with every word you have said

I wouldn’t want to be told how I should dress. So I wouldn’t tell anyone else how to dress. 🤷‍♀️

More context needed...

Does he wfh and gone down the slob route or is just a case of wearing what you deem as boring clothes?

I dress smartly for work but as soon as I come come I take off and get into sth more comfortable, which should be the case to be able to relax at home. I don't want to be cooking and pottering about the house in a suit and heels.

On my day off and weekends it's comfortable attire for me but will dress up if going out.

I do get though it's appealing to see your OH dressed nicely. DH always does, it's just him, but I don't! Xx

What context do you need? OP apparently has issues because he is ‘Always clean - just as boring to my eye .
lack of self expression or interest - looks dull…’

So nothing inherently wrong, he just doesn’t measure up to the OP’s standards so apparently he needs to change

However context does matter in most situations and I believe my question is valid.and that's why I asked.

Just an observation of mine, I've seen it happen numerous times when a friend has been wfh and greets me in slippers, PJ bottoms, oversized home lounge wear they've worn all day at 5.30pm when I've popped in from work. No judgement, I would do the same!

Point is, what you wear at home daily is more about comfort for many and no need to dress smart. The same when wfh and don't need to leave the house in the evening, why make the effort mindset.

Bloody hell - I’m slack but would never open the door like that because I would feel like I would be thought dirty.

Well you would be surprised! Please, no need to have felt defensive if you wfh, my point was some people do let standards slide. Xx

Sometimes things don’t work out as one expected- illness, job loss, disability, death in families.
I know there is a group on MN who advocate walking away if a situation is no longer benefiting you, but I don’t think that would be the majority Pov.
However, I don’t think this is directly applicable to the OP, so perhaps better not to to derail?

So what do you do if your partner won’t do what you want them to? One of you has to cave in. Do you just keep on at them for rest of your life? Because that’s a miserable way to live for both people.

Yes, it's a problem, isn't it? Usually, couples aim to compromise but OP's DH hasn't done so, so far. She's wondering why this is and what she can reasonably do about it.
Unfortunately, the post was hijacked by people with an agenda IMO

Wth? This sounds very controlling, he is not a child and has the right to dress however he wants. I cannot wrap my head around people wanting to dictate or being willing to dictate how their partner dresses. I rarely dress down I almost always wear a dress or jeans and a smart jacket but I dont care what my partner wears - if theyre comfortable in joggers or a hoody or a suit and tie - whatever. Imagine if he started telling you to tone it down - how would you feel about that? If your happiness comes from what someone else wears you have issues

OP wants to know what to do about him not being prepared to do what she tells him she wants. Without manipulation, what can she do? He clearly has put his foot down and isn’t prepared to do what she wants.

Any suggestions seem to include options to hide/destroy his clothes, give him excess flattery when he wears something she approves of, make it into some kind of childish game or buy him clothes he doesn’t want.

What she should perhaps be thinking is how can she get over it? If she can’t then is it a dealbreaker.

Compromises don’t actually work because they either benefit one party or neither.

As for why, because he doesn’t want to is perfectly valid.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta , would yousay you have rather a black and white view of the world?

I am asking you to educate me on what you would suggest which doesn’t include making him wear stuff he doesn’t want to wear? I am curious to know how this would pan out when two people are on completing opposing sides of an issue.

You can’t force or persuade someone.

How would you manage it (without resorting to the underhand methods suggested on here)? Is there a solution?

Like I said, the idea is that they find a way of compromising!
It's not exactly a very difficult subject to compromise on.

Men who’s wives totally let themselves go are often forgiven by society for leaving for a woman who takes pride in her appearance