To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

Reading this thread, it’s no wonder some men pack their bags and leave.

You are right to be annoyed OP. If my DH didn't make an effort with his appearance, especially on date nights I would be upset too. I would write down the reasons you ask him to make more of an effort & how much you enjoy seeing him look sexy & attractive as much as he enjoys seeing you looking good. If he continues to ignore your requests I'd be inclined to say to him if you don't buy some decent clothes you can't expect me to go out with you looking like a slob as it makes me look as if I don't care either.

That is at least being up front about it. Op makes the point and the husband can knuckle under and do what she says or he can choose to live his own life with his own style

Yes. A game, fun for both. He used to be somewhat interested in clothes from the way op tells it. Why not be light hearted about it? It's fashion fgs. The op can be perfectly upfront about her intentions and it's up to him if he's on board with it - no slyness necessary. Whether this is the sort of thing that op's DH would go for, or if it might make him get into being a bit more stylish sometimes in future who knows. It's an idea that's all. It might even have the effect of making him appreciate the effort of wearing something nice, if he suddenly sees op in something that looks a bit crap.

But agreed that he shouldn't just be doing it to shut up the op, he should be on board and into it rather than just being told what to do, hence my suggestion, which you don't have to love of course :)

I was replying to a post that stated we should accept our partners just as they are.

But it’s not really a game. It’s a way to get the DH to go along with the OP and change his style

Have you thought about asking if you can style a capsule wardrobe for your DH, as a side project for you as you enjoy styling?

This is horrific. Actually trying to treat another adult as if he were a doll for you to dress up all pretty. Maybe he could grow his hair long too, so you could brush and style it just how you like, so he could be your own my little pony.

I imagine like many men like this he wears the same stuff in short rotation.
Do a go slow on the laundry - I assume you do it - to break up the cycle, or maybe have a tragic accident involving bleach….

I thought that although I understood the individual words in the comment, they made little sense 🤣

That is exactly how I think the OP is. Buy him clothes so he can be dressed up

Wow. It just gets better.

He does his own washing apparently

And what's wrong with that? If she expects 24/7 style change then yes, unreasonable. If she expects now and then he might put some effort into looking and smelling good for an occasion or just for her, to make her feel like she matters still or whatever... You know, like he used to dress himself up, perhaps in an attempt to attract the ladies... Not unreasonable. Is he now not ever trying to attract this one? Does he mean to be like that or has he just got into lazy habits or is there some ideological reason behind the way he dresses now?

Wanting your partner to do something for you... It's ok to ask. Best if it's part of a conversation though, which helps determine the idea(s) to try, or to find the solution if there is one.

Think I'm far too involved in this thread.
Good luck op.
I'm out!

There was a thread on here the other day asking what is a 'normal' number of clothes to have. There were posters reporting having literally hundreds of variations of the same item and dozens of pairs of footwear.

I imagine the vast, vast majority of (straight) men would find this grossly OTT - but I don't recall any talk of husbands demanding that their wives get rid of 90% of their clothes, so that she could be left with what he considers a 'reasonable' amount for anybody to need or want: the same amount as he has.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying fashion as a hobby, lifestyle priority or way of expressing your identity; but other people are not you, and have no reason to follow your hobby/interest, just to make you happy. Many men make football their main identity, but you don't get many non-fan wives going out dressed in a matching Chelsea kit every weekend or discussing nothing but the recent games, just because he would love it. Some do, but that's because it's a hobby that they themselves actively share.

We're good friends with a couple where he spends ages and ages of his leisure time painstakingly painting little soldiers and arranging and displaying them. She has never done a single one... and this is perfectly normal, because it's something that means a great deal to him, but it means absolutely nothing to her, and she finds it dull in the extreme. They're married; they aren't the same person only in matching opposite-sex versions.

Maybe he likes to wear the clothes he wants? I’m genuinely surprised that none of you would have an issue with your husbands damaging your clothes, sneaking new ones in, flattering you to manipulate you and making it into a game .

This scenario does remind of a simple but great cartoon I saw ages ago, by a fantastic (now sadly late) German cartoonist who used anthropomorphised animals in much of his work.

There was a newly-married couple - a dog and a cat - setting up their new home. The dog just could not for the life of him understand why the cat couldn't realise that the bone-patterned wallpaper was obviously the only choice worth making; and the cat likewise thought the dog was out of his mind not to see that the fish-patterned paper was hands-down the only one worth having.

YABU.
Imagine if this was a man posting about how he wanted his wife to dress? He would be absolutely crucified on here.

Please don't feel the need to explain yourself further. I know it's difficult not to (so easy to say though!) - you are absolutely right for wanting your 'sexual' partner to make the effort to be visually appealing to you. It's not unreasonable. You're not asking him to wear uncomfortable or revealing clothes, just look sharper. And not even all the time, just more often.

I have no idea why so many people are happy accepting minimal effort from partners.

As with so many things in life, there is a balance to be struck here.

The op’s dh has a right to dress how he wants most of the time.

But equally, as he is part of a marriage in which they sometimes presumably go out for the evening together, I don’t think that op would be unreasonable to want her dh to dress up occasionally, simply because he knows it is important to her, even if it is not important to him.

Aren’t little compromises like this part of a successful partnership? For example, I would be happy if I never ate steak or red meat again, but I know my dh loves it so I buy and cook it for him occasionally and we both enjoy it together. And then I do enjoy it because it makes me happy when my dh is happy.

Op you hint that your dh may be holding out on this precisely because he knows it is something you enjoy, and if that is the case, then this is not really about clothes is it but your wider relationship?

In order to find that out though, it might be simpler just to say to your dh, look we are going out on Friday evening next month for this special event, and I understand you are not bothered by clothes, but it would really give me great pleasure if you dressed up a bit because you look so handsome in that blue suit or whatever. Would that be ok with you?

If you want to you could also add a phrase such as for you, foreplay starts long before dinner.

(I don’t care if that seems horribly sexist btw. Women have been expected to make aˋ effort with their appearance for decades so this addresses the balance somewhat.)

Just tell him straight op, if you haven’t done so already, sometimes men need it spelling out. And then if he still refuses, or doesn’t at least give you a reasonable very considered explanation as to why not, that you can understand and accept, then at least you know you have a greater problem on your hands.

Yep, my mum used to do this to my teenage clothing choices.

nothing outrageous, I just liked what she called “hippie” stuff, tie dye, band t’s, leather jacket.

bought out my Saturday job money btw.

is that a reasonable thing to do? I don’t think so. It’s controlling and no wonder I left as soon as I could.

I’m veggie, my dh is not.

are you saying I should eat meat because he likes it? So we can “enjoy a steak together”?

this thread is insane.

I get your point although it would be controlling to demand he start wearing x and y. I dress smartly most of the time too (unless I’m quickly doing the school run or running an errand!) so like DH to meet me there. We both buy a lot of our stuff on Vinted and I’d say we look smart as a pair. I wouldn’t like it if he started wearing polo shirts for example and would tell him as much! I’d also expect him to tell me if I looked like a scruff.

A detailed explanation? WTF! Perhaps she can give a detailed explanation of why he isn’t allowed to wear what he wants

Maybe he doesn’t want you to choose his clothes for him on Vinted etc because he doesn’t like your taste in clothes.

I agree that coercion or damaging clothes is absolutely not on.

I do think that the op feels her husband could make more of an effort, like he used to. It's about feeling appreciated. Like a pp said it's a bit "bait and switch".

I voted Yabu because I wouldn't be told by dp what I should wear. I'd find it a bit controlling. Works both ways.

Is it “bait and switch” or is it just a case of someone getting older and not caring as much about what they look like?

I’m only in my thirties but dress much more for comfort now than I did when I met DH in my twenties. I’m more confident now I’m older and don’t feel as much need to fit in or look a certain way.