To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

[Boomboomi]

When I met dh many moons ago , he dressed very well , on a limited income.
Fast forward , he does not make an effort with his clothes .When I do - most of the time - he says I look pretty etc.

Being a very visual person … I love clothes, colours, shapes .

He says that it is simply not important to him .
ive asked him over the years to ger a few bits - it does not register in his priorities.. tho he does know how important it feels to me.
He could look good v easily on a minimal effort.

as he knows its important to me - i do wonder if its resistance - as he could do it if he wanted to on a small amount of money. He has spent 3k on a bike .

whilst i recognise we are people with different priorities- totally fine - i cant understand why he declines to invest just a small amount of his energy and money into something that he knows is important to me ?
like for eg our son in law wears lovely aftershave - as he likes to smell and look good for himself and others - wereas dh - feels no social pleasure in doing similar
it feels to me that he feels these socilatal norms - to me - dont apply - my family always liked to look smart and i dont get it . Help !

I get that you appreciate wearing in your opinion nice clothes, but whether it’s intentional or not, you do come across as controlling and judgemental of what others wear. Both me and my husband can “scrub up well” should we need to but generally we’re jeans and trainers folk.

Nailed it.

So many people, in so many areas of life, just naturally assume that their preference is obviously the 'right' one and thus that anybody who doesn't share it must be 'wrong' and helped to change.

It's like some folk never grow out of the little kid stage, where they just can't fathom why other people don't have a favourite dinosaur and want to keep talking about them 24/7.

Even if it's something that a person maybe used to like, we're all allowed to change our peripheral interests as we progress through life. Even as an adult, I used to be passionate about minor things that I really couldn't care less about now - and maybe even now hate.

What's the betting that, if OP's DH did enthusiastically pursue all the latest trends and never changed as he grew, she'd be back on here in years to come with a thread complaining about her 60yo husband who embarrasses her by dressing and acting like he's still 22?

He's not your dress up dolly. 🙄
YABU

Exactly!
I sound like the DH in this situation.
As in I couldn't give a toss about clothes, I find clothes shopping so boring 😂
I've been with DH years. I wonder what responses I'd get if I posted
"DH thinks I've let myself go, and misses the days when I used to dress "properly".
He's always telling me what I should be wearing."

Of course you are allowed to change

but the person who was attracted by what you used to be before you changed is also allowed to lose all attraction for the new version

Unreasonable and ridiculous to expect someone to look like a 20 year old when they are 60.

Very reasonable to prefer someone who is still active, still take care of themselves and is the 60yo sporty/fashionable/ passionate about hobbies version of what their 20yo version used to be.

You are absolutely allowed to settle, to stop caring about your appearance, to stop wanting to be active and interesting or become the complete opposite, go from being a couch potato to an ultra-runner in your middle age. You are allowed to be anything you want.

Your partner can reasonably move on and find someone who is more compatible with their own interest.

And this thread is about making EFFORTS, having enough respect and care enough about your partner to make occasional efforts, the same way someone who doesn't give a flying monkey about birthday still makes a big deal of their partner's when it's important to them.

Very reasonable to prefer someone who is still active, still take care of themselves and is the 60yo sporty/fashionable/ passionate about hobbies version of what their 20yo version used to be

What has "being active" got to do with anything?
You can still be active and not want to be preached at about your clothes and what you should/shouldn't be wearing. 😕

it was an example....

because for some people fashion is important
for others it's being active
it can be anything.. what matters is what efforts you used to make when you met, and what efforts you stop making now.

Some people take these threads VERY personally.

Does it touch a nerve of some kind? 😂

It has clearly touched a nerve with you, for you to be accusing others 😬

IMO this is a sensible perspective.
Judging from these posts many MNetters think differently, think of it as a form of control, possibly bordering on abuse.
It would be interesting to consider why that is.
For example, do MN posts represent a particular minority? Or is there another explanation?

😂

no, you are right, I am grateful my partner cares enough about me to make efforts years later, I am totally bitter about it 😂

Not for me - I don't know OP or her DH and I'm not married to either of them, so it's no skin off my nose.

It's just that, when people start a thread in AIBU, it means that they want people to consider the situation, use their own knowledge and experiences, put themselves in that scenario and contribute as to whether or not they do think it's unreasonable.

Thank you.

Then don't wear a dress. Dress casually.
You don't want to do that do you? Well he doesn't want to dress up. Why is what you want more important than what he wants. Just let him dress how he likes, I really don't understand why it's a big deal.
Although neither me or DH are really in to dressing up. We shower daily and wear clean clothes and for me that's enough.. What about your DHs personality? How he treats you? Isn't that more important than what he looks like.
If he told you how to dress would you change your whole wardrobe just for him? I'm betting you wouldn't so why should he.
Got to be honest you do sound controlling.

I kind of get this op but YABU. My dh has a uniform of cords, chinos, jeans and t shirts/shirts and always wears barefoot shoes (even with a dinner jacket) - he is self conscious about looking like he is trying to hard, doesn’t want to stand out and likes to be comfortable. We found a few brands that he likes and finds reliable - Ralph Lauren, Sezane, sometimes Toast - and he just sticks with those. I love vintage style and would love to dress him up in braces and hats, etc, but it won’t happen - he even wore chinos and a shirt to an event where everyone was dressed up in flapper/peaky blinders gear. I have quite a florid, romantic, vintage style that I wear all the time, so we don’t really look like a matching pair, but I can’t treat him like a dress up doll.

Yep
I can't imagine buying my DH his clothes, going clothes shopping for him as "he can't be bothered so I need to do it for him" or "I don't like what he wears so he clearly needs some help, he just needs some guidance" or whatever 😂
He's a grown up, his own person. I'm not his mum

@ThisCandidMintGoose
I agree with you. It looks like you have bothered to read the OP properly.
What the OP is NOT saying is ‘
Hee, hee, I want to force my DH to wear my stupid choice of clothes against his will. Can you help me trick him into doing what I want , not what he wants?’
What she IS saying is
’Years ago my DH used to make an effort with his appearance. Now he doesn’t bother. This change in his behaviour upsets me ‘cos it seems like he no longer cares and he knows I mind about this. . I do bother myself because I know this gives him pleasure and because I love fabric and visual things in general.
AIBU to wish he would change?’

I don’t understand why the majority have replied as though OP wrote the first one.
I wonder whether it’s an age thing and posters respond as if the post were about someone in their own situation, who is young and hasn’t had time to experience hurtful behaviour change over time , so ignore this crucial aspect.

Really! This is way OTT!
Clearly you don’t agree with OP but honestly I find this reaction to a perfectly harmless post absolutely ridiculous.
You may not realise this, but conversations on this topic are commonplace among wom women who’ve been married for years and they and their husbands are perfectly decent folk.
I assume you wouldn’t say this to someone’s face. I , for one, don’t believe anonymity gives you the right to insult.
Have you ever been on the receiving end end of this type of of comment @LiviaDrusillaAugusta ? Are you aware what it feels like to like?

Yes I have. And yes I have said it to someone’s face.

And I wasnt directly referencing the OP in that comment. It was a general one after seeing the lengths women will go to to get their husbands to do what they want.

There are a lot of assumptions in your post. I am certainly not young. I have experienced plenty of shit in my life.

I still maintain that a man doing this would be crucified on here.

People change. You either accept that or you go - it’s as simple as that

I used the word ‘considered’ actually; not ‘detailed’!

Please read my post properly.

For example if he said; “look, I’m sorry, I know you used to love it when I used to dress up but I have limited time and energy nowadays and it just isn’t something that interests me anymore, it doesn’t mean I love you any less”

That to me would qualify as a considered explanation and one I’m sure that op would feel ok about.

Is your husband a good man? Is he kind? Is he a good father? Is he honest and trustworthy?

I would consider all of these more worthy qualities than wearing the right clothes. As many other people have said, if a man behaved like this towards a woman, it would be seen as a red flag and controlling.

I think the mistake is in thinking the same thing is going on as what a man would be crucified for.
The first difference is that he would have to have said sentiment (1) to be crucified.
There is no evidence OP has said to her husband ‘You’ve really let yourself go and now you’ve put weight on, I’m no longer attracted to you. Can’t you wear more attractive clothes?’
She’s thinking out what’s right and that’s a second crucial difference.
I think there are other differences, too.

I don’t know what assumptions you’ve in mind. I do try to be careful not to make assumptions,

Why does everyone respond with such extreme examples on here? Has common sense left the room?

No of course you don’t have to renounce your principles to please your husband. Of course not.

What I am suggesting though, that in a long relationship, it is sometimes nice to compromise and do something for your other half that you wouldn’t particularly choose to do for yourself, just to please them. And vice versa? What is really so unreasonable about that?

I watch football with my husband on tv sometimes because he enjoys that. And he sometimes watches my sport of interest with me even though he has very little interest in it.

Sometimes he orders in my favourite Thai food when he would prefer a pizza. It’s those sort of little things you do each day for one another that keeps a relationship going,

Have we become so wrapped up in our freedom to do what we want 100 per cent of the time that we can’t make occasional comprises for the people we love most in the world?

It’s important to live your life authentically as yourself but if you want to make no compromises at all then stay single would be my advice!