Who gets the compensation?

[LottyLollipop]

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

Sounds like you found yourself a cocklodger.

Even if you earn a lot more than he does I would expect him to make an effort to at least contribute what he can, I'm not saying it just be 50:50 or he go into debt but the fact he doesn't even attempt or try says a lot about him and his lack of shame. Frankly I don't get how you find such a man attractive.

Does he at least pull his weight at home while you woke or does the bulk of the house work also fall on you while he does his "man things"?

I get the feeling he’d just blow through OP’s money so she’s protecting her income a bit.

Exactly.

I’m not getting the vibes that this guy is adding value to the family by doing all of the unpaid heavy lifting that SAHMs do. Just a hunch…

What a twat he is.

Start being a lot less generous.

Whats the work / home split?

Yeah, some 'other half'. Cock-lodger more like it.

This is exactly why I believe having separate finances is a bad idea in long term committed relationships. Inevitably, at some point, there will be an imbalance and unless you work out every detail about who owes what and when, it leads to a sense of unfairness, which is corrosive to the relationship. It leads to sense of mistrust and causes pettiness and resentment. It just doesn't work.

Ideally after 18 years, all money should go into a shared pot for you and your partner to use as and when it's needed. If you feel you're supporting him and he doesn't appreciate it, or you don't trust him with money then that's a fundamental problem in the relationship that's not just going to go away.

Technically he is right and it’s his compensation but given he’s not paid anything towards the holiday it’s not fair for him to keep it. If he’s not sending it to you, I think he should use it to pay for a day out/ meal out/ takeaways etc.
the argument should be that whilst it’s his he wouldn’t have had the holiday and received it without you. He’s being mean not even offering it.

Remind him he still owes you for his car repairs!!

My thoughts are that he’s a sponging loser and you should get rid.

Hmm. I have more savings than DH, and save more in general, because he has expensive hobbies. For that reason, and because he helps my business sometimes, I spend more when we go out. I wouldn't pay for his holidays though!

Recently, we had to get trains across the country and it all went to shit. We were due compensation. I had paid for the train tickets. I kept the compensation.

We went on holiday and husband has had lot of unexpected expenses lately so he was worried about spending money. I told him we’d just use my bonus. Usually we keep our bonuses ourselves. He was a bit like ‘are you sure you want to spend it like that?’ Well yes.

He was really grateful and he did pay some smaller things. He paid for Ubers at night, paid his own metro tickets bought a few meals and paid the hotel tourist tax and the few glasses of wine we had charged to our room. He says ‘I have to contribute or it’s unfair!’ One morning he went and got us breakfast and brought it back to the room as i had slept later than expected as I’ve been under the weather. You see the difference? Is he ever grateful?

Your mistake Op was letting him get used to you paying for all the extras, that extra third on your wages doesn't mean it's all down to you. By all means give your DC some happy memories but maybe keep them mainly to you and her, if he complains tell him you can't afford to pay for him all the time

He is right. It’s not a refund for the money you’ve spent it’s compensation for the delay and being put out. You must know that though otherwise why aren’t you asking the company why they are compensating your DD because presumably she didn’t pay anything either.
Are you more annoyed about the fact that he didn’t pay for anything, not even a coffee? How much is the difference on your earnings?

Some of these responses are bonkers!
Not all families have equal earners. Inevitably one person pays for more than the other. This OP could easily have been about my family. I will often not pay for a drink or ice cream, and OH will pay for it all. If I ever read people calling me the names that i've read here I'd be in shock 😳
If you have raised your money issues with him previously and he has not made any efforts then YANBU however if you have let it reach this point without speaking to him about it and now dredging up past financial exchanges to his detriment then YABU

I think most people are right however as you are in a long term relationship going forward i would discuss with him how you want to be clear on finances when travelling. If you can not come to an agreement where you are happy then I think its time to really consider the relationship going forward.
If this was the situation in my relationship all the compensation would have been put aside for our next holiday, we do not have separate finances though so everything is 'ours'.

I bet he is making out that you are the one being unreasonable because he decides to take the money for the car but can't be arsed to fund anything towards food or his daughter.

Thats the bit thats financially abusive.

This isn't about the holiday and the compensation. Its about him taking the piss and not taking responsibility.

Can you set up another joint account that you both pay into proportionally for 'family fun' covering your daughter's activities and family holidays?

What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are: Ditch the clown.

You don't have to be paying the same towards a holiday for it to be 'fair'. What it comes down to is taking responsibility and recognition of what someone else contributes to the relationship / finances as a whole.

If he's expecting x, y and z to be funded by the OP for the family, if there is money that comes back to that pot of family money. Thats respectful and is contributing to the family responsibility - it should go towards the next family holiday.

Instead he's got grabby hands and sees it as a bonus amount to him personally without considering that he's taking that money away not simply from the OP but also their daughter becaause of how they have got themselves set up financially.

This needs to cost him so much more in the medium to long term….

I would start to pay for everything connected to your DC from the joint account and if that means you both have to pay more in then so be it - at least you’ll save a third on what you’re currently paying. Set up a joint savings account for things like holidays, and again make him chip in a third. Meanness has got to be one of the least attractive traits and the death of a lot of marriages. I speak from experience and the tight fisted git is now an XH!

YADNBU about the compensation.

Not buying even one coffee is simply staggering. Next time, literally TELL him to get his wallet out.

Tight fisted freeloaders end up giving people the ick. There is absolutely nothing attractive about it.

He's not respecting you, you're his ATM.

Please bin off this pathetic excuse for a man. What does he bring to this relationship? If i was with a man that was happy for me to pay for everything id be embarrassed to even say to anyone I was actually in a relationship with him. He's using you as a cash cow and is a cocklodger

Of course it's yours. He's being a CF if he says otherwise.
I get that they want to compensate individuals, but isn't it a bit odd to reimburse someone other than the person who paid the bill? 🤔