To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

I agree with you here. Saying it was shite and it's their fault makes them feel guilty and you like a misery guts who has boring parties that no-one comes to.

It's better to say it was fantastic but they were missed. And just don't do something like this again with the drop outs until they've invited you to stuff or you're a bit closer.

This is the way of people pleasers, unfortunately.

Many of the people who expressed an interest or asked where their invite was had no intention of ever going because they werent bothered in the first place. They (thought they) were being 'nice' in accepting but it didn't actually register as a plan for them. They won't have given it a second thought after accepting.

20/30 people would have felt like a lot of people to some and so they will have been put off by that. But they'll have wanted you to feel good about yourself and not be seen as The Baddy or felt they were missing out on chats about it so accepted fully knowing that they were going to pull out at the last minute. Most will have told themselves it was ok because you wouldn't even notice given that so many other people would be there.

Some of them will have accepted another invitation. Some of those will have forgotten they'd already accepted yours; some will have preferred the second invitation. They were giving themselves options.

Some of the reasons (eg an ill child) will have been valid but, amongst all the excuses, their absences were more significant than they should have been. And it's easy when you have children. You know you can always pull out if you say your child is ill.

IME, the people who are most likely to let others down ae people pleasers. it's a standard MO to accept an invitation they have no intention of honouring. You see threads on here all the time about how to decline an invitation politely. There are some people who would genuinely prefer to let you down at the last minute than turn an invitation down when it's issued.

I think it’s really rude and flaky of all those people not to come! Must’ve been so annoying, especially when some had asked for invites.
I hope you had a good time with those that did come.
It’s probably a mix of people being flaky, lots of different groups etc. Don’t take it personally, some people are just flaky and you can still be friends with them, just be careful about inviting them to things in the future.
well done for making such an effort with making friends, you sound lovely!
I think you shouldn’t specially mention it to those who didn’t come, it might make them back away friendship-wise. But if it is mentioned, say you had a great party and a brilliant eve with the people that came, but so as many people dropped out and didn’t turn up, you won’t be doing a big party again. That way you don’t look sad about it but lets them know there are repercussions and you aren’t someone that can be let down like that.

It happened to me years ago for a Christmas party - lots of people said they would come then didn’t turn up. We never had a Christmas party again (we had small parties with people we knew would come). Then those people complain that no-one has Christmas parties anymore!
I think it’s got worse since Covid, more people just do what they want on the day, regardless of whether they have committed to something. People are less respectful of others’ time and effort.

I think people are way more flakier these days
since Covid perhaps ?

ohh I’m tired …

oh feel a bit ill ….

ohh it my period …..

stop being a let down if you’ve committed see it through and if you don’t wanna go have the balls to say thanks but no thanks when invited and don’t mess people about

sorry op but people can be such shits

That is shit. I certainly wouldn't host a party again, spending all that money. And be honest if people ask why.

Duplicate post.

So tell the host you’re a maybe instead of accepting the invitation?

Yeah I stopped hosting 3 years ago after a very similar event. People are incredibly flaky, there's just no shame anymore.

Do you not get anxiety about how much people will dislike you for saying yes to stuff, people planning around you and then you disappointing them?

While I wouldn't do it quite like this (as in telling everyone how hurtful it was and posting photos) I would - politely and neutrally - explain that you had prepared for 25 and only 3 came.

I've actually had this before with a birthday party I threw. It smarts, but you're right not to play the victim. That doesn't mean however that you can't assert some boundaries, because ultimately your time and money has been wasted.

Perhaps something like "Hope everyone had a good weekend etc, just wanted to follow up on Saturday. Whilst I fully understand everyone is busy, we had catered for 25 who had RSVP'd 'Yes' but ultimately only three guests arrived. It's a bit of a nightmare from a logistical point as we've <bought an awful lot of party food which is now going to waste, or whatever you want to put here>. It would be really appreciated in future if everyone could give as much notice as possible if you can no longer make it so we can budget and plan accordingly."

I can’t imagine our grandparents generation behaving like this.

I actually think phones are part of it. It’s too easy to back out. Then they will sit at home gawking at their phones. It’s pathetic. A life half lived.

I’d keep a dignified silence. If anyone asks, give a vague answer and then talk about the winner or the UK entry or something. And don’t host any more parties.

Oh and dont send that message above it’s cringe however reasonable. You need to present a game face. But never lift a finger to help or support the no shows ever again and don’t forget it either. Fuck them op - onwards and upwards.

It's not cringe at all. I've never quite understood this "game face" attitude when someone has been rude. There's a medium in between between playing the victim and pretending nothing's wrong.

A civil "actually this has inconvenienced me / left me out of pocket" is completely reasonable in the circumstances and certainly something you should be able to say to friends without anyone getting offended!

That’s horrible. And so disappointing. It sounds like you’ve interpreted it as that they don’t like you that much? Or don’t feel that connected to you?
that hurts if you believe that thought - so reassure yourself it’s not about you. It’s just a whole host of reasons like they were too lazy couldn’t be bothered to go out, plus the genuine ones. Don’t feed the thought that you’re not liked. It’s not true

That's really, really shitty. Never invite them to anything ever again.

People are definitely so much flakier nowadays but accepting an invite and then just not turning up is incredibly rude.

We are hosting a party this weekend and have invited 20 people. 11 of them still haven't replied to say whether or not they'll be coming despite me politely chasing them up. So as it currently stands I have no idea how many to cater for!

I'm not sure I'll bother in future and will stick to small groups instead.

That's ok as long as you don't accept invitations and then not turn up

Exactly! I would be so much more anxious knowing everyone thought I was a total shitbag.

Then have the manners to let people know - you don't have to give long-winded explanations

Or just don't accept in the first place

There is no excuse for being rude.

I’m petty but I would be inclined to set up a group chat, add them all in (those who came and didn’t), @ the ones who did to thank them, and @ the ones who didn’t to say it’s a shame they thought it acceptable to drop out last minute / not even let you know, you’d bought extra food and drinks for them but at least you know not to bother in future. That way they can all be shamed in one swoop. The only acceptable excuse is the cat.

It’s a very selfish and me-orientated world we live in now. Unless there’s a direct benefit for being there people are just so flaky and apathetic. I bet if you’d said a famous celebrity was attending they’d all have fallen over themselves to be there.

I go to quite big parties that friends host, I have to say, DH and I don't host these much, we don't mind but certain friends have become default hosters and it is similar numbers to yours and I can't recall many missing them, in fact everyone is excited to go. Do you think it's because they are the friends of the friend that encouraged you to extend the invite? It is shockingly rude still and I think sometimes people are a bit lazy now and perhaps not as sociable due to phone addictions but I only think that when I hear of people cancelling last minute that are not my close friends like neighbours etc.

Can you push yourself out of your comfort zone, otherwise it's ever decreasing circles presumably.

I don’t really like socialising at gatherings anymore but my rule is, if I accept I go, if I have doubts I decline. If, on the off chance I fancy going on the day, I’ll contact them to see if I can be there after all. I don’t want to have a reputation for being flaky and unreliable. I have a friend who is so unreliable I don’t pre-arrange anything with her anymore, not even a pre-arranged meet up for coffee.