To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

id mention it to them all in passing ‘disappointed in you seeing as we’d gone to town for you all who said you were up for it’ . I don’t do parties either.

For a direct invite it shows as ‘no response’ until you specifically click on ‘going’ or ‘not going’. Of the 5 who didn’t click ‘going’ two clicked ‘not going’ and said they had other commitments (all fine) and 3 didn’t respond at all. Weirdly one of them messaged me during the event and said they couldn’t come as they were tired ( I hadn’t assumed they coming anyway as they didn’t respond!)

Anyway lesson learned on FB event invites and hosting anything like this again. I’ve become a bit more stoic about it now anyway.

I’ve had this happen, and I took it as a signal they didn’t give a shit about my feelings, and did not prioritise me
however I have some hang ups about feeling unpopular and not good enough. I suffer with a ridiculous level of imposter syndrome at work too
I have decided planned parties create too much angst for me, I’m in the impromptu kitchen disco after the pub camp now

I'm involved in one of my dc's activities and organized an event for them for this past weekend. All were notified via an e-invite. Only 6 replied and indicated Not Going. Twenty others didn't reply. It's a bit frustrating and hard not to take it personally. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry OP, that’s so bloody rude of people, especially to not even let you know. The only one I would excuse is the one with the dead cat…
I hope you had fun anyway and enjoyed the extra booze.

I'd be messaging the group to let them know the effort you went to, ie lots of party food, hiring glasses etc & that you're disappointed in them for not coming. Let them know you'll not be hosting a 'party' again & that the usual ones who come every year are welcome to carry on the way it used to be but you won't be putting in any extra effort as you feel it was a waste of time & money.

So sorry. I'd just invite your true friends next time, you know who they are.

Did you send them proper invites?? As Facebook events I think lots don't see this as a proper RSVP and they will just tick to say that they 'may' attend. I think if you want to put on a proper party it needs to be proper invites and RSVPs.

So sorry this has happened to you.

Thats so shit for you. We had this at my parents anniversary party. Parents turned up to everything over the years and would never let anyone down. People are mannerless cunts. That's it.

That's really upsetting for you OP. I don't like going to parties but usually say yes to invites (forces me out of my comfort zone). I usually regret saying yes on the day of the party (would much rather chill out at home with my cats), but I would never not just turn up, with or without an excuse. In the past, I have thought that if there are lots of people, then the host won't notice one less person. Might your guests have thought along those lines? Or were they all cancelling in a group chat, in that case they could see numbers dropping.

Exactly. Being openly dishonest to people I supposedly like would make me far more anxious.

I'm an anxious person but have found that being clear and straightforward is the least stressful option - "sorry guys, not really my thing so I'll opt out this time! " There. Done. And no need to mess with people's time, money and energy.

Saw one of the people who ‘accepted but didn’t turn up and didn’t message’ this morning on the way to work. No mention of it until she asked how my weekend was. Said we’d had the party on Saturday. Her response was ‘ohhh yeah….. yeah I had my sister and niece over on Saturday so yeah I couldn’t make it’.
Didnt ask how it went and she changed the subject pretty quickly before we went our seperate ways.

nonsense.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Reading this thread made me click back into a Whatsapp group I muted - it was set up for a party and 20 people are invited. A week on and only 6 people out of the group have responded to say yes or no!

I can't go but I messaged immediately to let them know that. Must be so frustrating for the organiser.8

From this update, I think what's happened is people have thought it's a casual thing, as in 'we are watching Eurovision so pop along if you fancy it type thing' and the fact it was an invite using Facebook compounds that's it's a casual thing. I wonder if people just didn't assume you were putting in all that effort!
Sure that doesn't make you feel any better, but I would say try not to take it personally as don't think it was a reflection on you or your friendships.

Probably the first few were genuine excuses then their particular friends pulled out too, with flakier excuses, because otherwise they wouldn’t know people there, as there was only a few from each different friendship group invited.

These people are not 'friends' im sad for you that happened, its crappy but in my experience its not normal, so cross them off your friends list, bar those with genuine excuses. Hungover/too tired etc not a valid reason. Sick kids and dead cats fair enough. I do have some flaky friends but I sort of account for that - one has autistic dc and sometimes getting out of the door is hard, another has bad social anxiety and sometimes just cant - I know about this issues and forgive them in advance. But most people will turn up.as agreed - if they behaved like this they would not get a second invite thats for sure. I hope you had a nice evening anyway 🫂

I suppose your penultimate sentence makes the difference. Personally I don't really get why you are so keen to be friends with them! If anything fibbing and pretending you had a great time so they think you are cool and might actually deign to grace you with their presence next time sounds more cringeworthy and desperate to me than just telling them the truth.

Even then I wasnt suggesting you say "it was rubbish without you" but more along the lines of "well I was a bit annoyed because we'd bought food for everyone who said they were coming, but loads of people dropped out last minute, so I resented the waste of money. But we had a really good time with the people who came. I'll just stick with smaller events in the future."

I suppose it depends what you want to from a friendship. If its just a load of low level acquaintances with no actual depth of feeling, fair enough. Personally if I cant even rely on someone for the "good time" and trust they will come to a fun party they'd agreed to attend, then what are the chances they are going to be there for the "bad times" and support me through actual problems?

I've got enough people I can pass the time if day with, to be actual friends with someone I dont think anyone bit of reciprocal effort is much to ask.