To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

Yeah, I just don't have friends, it's far more emotionally fulfilling!

Extremely rude behaviour! Why are so many people becoming more and more inconsiderate these days? If you accept an invitation, you jolly well turn up to the event, unless there is a real emergency.

Oh and its not even about popularity. We've got a couple of fantastic friends who've always been very popular & sociable. They decided to scale back a 40th party recently because so many people just weren't committing to coming.

Well, everyone is different, but my friends would never pressure or persuade anyone to hold a party anyway. Also, the smaller the number of guests the more likely people are to honour their commitment to come. If they think there'll be dozens of guests it's easier to duck out. I feel for you, but I think you should have stuck to the tried and tested formula. I've also never heard of anyone using FB events for a house party before. Definitely makes it feel optional, as pp said.

I actually think what has killed 40ths is people having kids later. Its easy to have a party with kids who are 8/9 and older. They can cope with being up late and join in, or can be farmed out for a sleepover with a friend. If you've got a clingy 4 year old who hates babysitters and a 1 year old who still breastfeeds to sleep, that invite to Tom's 40th is probably just a hassle you don't want.

Then add in everyone working long hours. My parents had small dinner parties quite often when we were early teens. It was manageable because they both generally worked shorter hours than either DH or I, they were less stressed & had time to plan & cook a nice meal. Now most of my friends are run ragged with two parents working long hours, less secure financially. They just haven't got the bandwidth to plan and cook a nice meal for 6 or 8 adults.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It really hurts. I don't know why people do it.

I've had this happen to me 3 times. Once in 1995 when I held a student/flat party. Who the hell doesn't turn up to a student party!?! Then again in about 2005 when I held a halloween party. Again in 2015 for my 40th when I invited people to the pub. I was recently really really pressurized by friends who thought I should do something for my 50th, but no way was I exposing myself to that again.

I've heard its more prevelent since Covid, however all my experiences were before then, so maybe I am just really unpopular.

That’s ridiculous , did the bloody cat come back to life by her failing to turn up

This is such a good point. I was a (pissed up) teen at my mum's 40th. Cut to my own 40th, I had a 3year old and spent it lying on the couch, watching Peppa pig (3year old, not me), recovering from another night of multiple nightmares/demands for drinks/toilet etc etc.
My friends are in a similar boat

That is outrageous and not my experience with hosting parties (which I do often)! One or two might cancel last minute - but they would be usually sheepish and apologetic later.
Were these actually 'friends'? I would imagine that friends with whom there is an ongoing relationship of care and reciprocity would never behave like this.

I've had this happen too. I'm 43 and I had it happen at my 21st! It isn't a new thing.

For my 40th I decided to invite just everyone knew, and I had it at a pub and paid for a singer/comedian. I framed it as 'come if you want dont come if you don't want '. After so many let downs in my younger years I simply could not be bothered hosting an actual party.

In the end, it was some family, (singer wasn't my dad's 'thing', he lives 5 minutes away from the pub btw!) My DPs sister and her partner and their friend, ONE friend of mine, one neighbour of mine and one other friend who had originally declined due to another commitment but that fell through, so he was late but did come.

That's it. Out of maybe 50 or 60 people. Some were closer friends who I had sent personal invitations to who had confirmed, others were less so but also confirmed.

It kind of proved my thoughts, albeit I don't know what would've happened had I done invitations more formally and hosted something.

One group of friends stung a bit. They were coming right up until the afternoon of the day and then my closest friend of the group's cat wasn't well* so none of them came. They lived a fair way away and weren't well off, and I had agreed to pay for their taxi back!

*Cat may have been a fair excuse, however I learned from a friend with a big wooden spoon,that it wasn't true. They'd had an argument with their partner the night before after drinking too much, & couldn't be bothered.

I've not made much effort with them since. Flaky through and through. Me, some friends and DP were in their city for a day out one day and invited them to come and meet up with us for some drinks and they canceled last minute, which wasn't a surprise!

I dont agree that this is the way you find your real friends as a blanket statement. For something like what OP organised, people may not value you as a person per se but may just enjoy free food/wine and comfort/convenience. I am not saying that's definitely the case for OP either! Just I wouldn't be assuming they attend an event solely for the reason of being a good friend.

Message them all expressing your disappointment. Let them know that you wasted time & money and won’t be hosting again . I was brought up to never make excuses and to honour my commitments, my DC the same , it’s just rude & disrespectful.

Could you tread a middle line and post something along the lines of "Luckily we still had a lovely night with friends but I am disappointed that so many people were unable to make it at such short notice so probably won't do something like this again".
I think for me it could become an elephant in the room if I didn't say something but, as others have said, well done for trying it. The world needs more friends like you

This.

We host a lot. We don't get this problem.

Its a rudeness problem. They aren't friends.

Only 3 friends turned up out of 25 confirmed guests?! That’s shocking 😮 I’d be very upset too. From now on I’d only ever host for your 3 friends and no one else! I’d be annoyed but lesson learned. In future whenever those people who let you down angle for an invite, say no because last time only 3 turned up out of 25. They’ll understand that their actions have consequences. It kinda reminds me of my younger days arranging to meet up with a group at their suggestion. They’re heavily involved in where to meet, time and where best to eat and drink, then don’t turn up! So it ends up being just the two of you! I’m surprised mature people acted this way.

Reading these has triggered a memory of, not a party, but trying to get Glastonbury tickets. Me and my sister always went by ourselves, and one year two friends asked if they could join us. We said brill, yes! We gently pressed into them that getting tickets took effort, getting up early Sunday morning, being online at the right time and just determination. Reminded them the night before, saying how it needs to a group effort and with any luck on of us would get us in. My sister and I had never failed before, and they both seemed keen and excited.

Well, we both got online and tried. The others were quiet that morning, we assumed just heads down getting on with it. Nope. They’d both been out the night before and slept it. We failed to get tickets. They were astonished, they thought it would be a given, that we could just magic up tickets for them. W

My sister and I got in on the resale and didn’t tell them. They didn’t prioritise us, they had a choice that weekend, so why should we bother with them.

The world needs hosts. I respect hosters. They are a particular type of person that has the balls to do it and they make the world a more fun and positive place by bringing people together.

There is a special place in hell for the pathetic no shows. I assume they have never hosted themselves.

I imagine the no shows are those that then whine that they don’t have any friends…

Outrageously rude!

Yes to texting. This is just one of the ways in which mobile phones have turned people into rude, selfish, inconsiderate idiots.

No, only rude people act that way.

This sort of thing is why I never bother to organise stuff these days for groups. Some people seem to be permanently 'busy' going out and seeing other people but have never got time to be 'busy' meeting up with me or doing anything I organise, so fuck them!

Do you think all the excuses were actually true? I would say it’s unlikely.

I would keep a very small number of close friends. I would step back from the others. All of them. No exceptions, even the cat death.

A friend of mine did a nice party and my mum died a few days prior. I worshipped my mum. I still turned up and treated it as part of healing.

Sadly you have a friend problem. I host regularly and can count the number of no shows on one hand, over 10 years! It’s really shitty behaviour and I have no excuse for them. At least you know who your friends are!

I think that a whatsapp group is a good way of organising things like this. People can see if other people have dropped out and would at least be aware and hopefully feel some shame if they are leaving you in the lurch.

I no longer organise things with people who don't already all know each other. It rarely works out.

I often don't turn up for stuff - I know it's awful but I get quite a lot of anxiety.