To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

Were the people who were declining invitations doing it on the FB group, so publicly?

I no longer have WhatsApp groups (or indeed FB groups) for gatherings as I can't stand the waterfall of 'soz, can't make its' that inevitably follow the first person sending their regrets.

I'm in a Whatsapp group for a families meet-up that used to be on a Facebook page event, that people couldn't post on. Now its in a Whatsapp group attendance has significantly declined. The woman posts 'so who's coming this weekend' and nobody responds for ages, and once the first 'sorry we have football' message hits the thread, it is followed by multiple other excuses within the hour.

PS: Everybody on here is saying ditch them re your friends. I think that is a bit harsh for a first offence, but I have to admit I haven't had any friendships survive the type of person who regularly drinks so much on a Friday night they have to cancel plans for the rest of the weekend. That isn't normal in your 40s.

That’s so rude, I think I’m the age of texting and not having to actually call someone to cancel has made it much easier to back out. I would definitely not bother next time apart from the usuals and the poor person who lost their cat!

Maybe you should put “shame you missed meeting my cousin Henry Cavill who popped in to say hello “ 😄

I am someone who is in their 40s and still enjoys booze and I totally agree
.a hangover is no excuse. If you really have overdosed (I know alcohol can sometimes hit someone differently from one time to the next!) You still go along and just dont drink. It's a very 'cant be bothered' excuse to me.

~~All this, yes, but one other thought perhaps for the future...

I have big gatherings like this a lot, well several times a year. One thing I've learned over the years is to remind people several times about it. It feels embarrassing and awkward at first, but now I do it routinely and it works!

So, for a big event I send the invite, then a week or two later a cheerful follow up sent to everyone but saying 'I've heard back from most people but just checking everyone received the invite', and then one the day before the event confirming address, timings, directions, look forward to seeing you, etc. This tends to work well, people seem to appreciate the reminders, and I haven't had any disappointing turnouts since I started doing this.

They know you and DH.
People are so pathetic and socially inept.

I think some people really just don’t care and do whatever they want. I had someone not turn up to my wedding. A whole family of 4. I sent a formal invite. I checked they got the invite. They sent their rsvp back with meal choices. I spoke to them 3 weeks before and they told me what hotel they booked and discussed the train they were getting. On the day, didn’t turn up. I’ve never seen or spoken to them since. The amount of people though that told me to be kind and maybe something awful happened etc. Going by Facebook photos, they were fine. On a day out in fact. Apparently I still shouldn’t be annoyed because maybe they were old photos she posted to hide the fact something awful happened. 🤣 Some people really will make excuses for anyone! When really they are just rude!

This is why I won’t host big parties or get togethers.

Rather a smaller group for say bbqs or murder mystery night.

Worst case the bbq food goes in the freezer and murder night we just have things like pizza / spring rolls so that would just be lunchy bits the next day.

Im one of those people who agrees to go then dreads in for 48 hours prior. However I still go and mostly I enjoy it then wonder why I’ve dreaded it.

But why do you say you're going to go? You ought to just say you can't manage this sort of event & decline up front. Its very understandable to not be able to attend, but there's no reason to be rude & let people down.

Aw that’s such a shame .
That is why I never bothered organising anything for a big birthday I had not so long ago .
I just went with my husband and youngest daughter for an afternoon tea.
I also don’t accept many invites because I get tired very easily.
If I accept an invite I show up , I’m never a no show

This happened to me on my 30th, which is now nearly sixteen years ago. I’d booked the afternoon tea and paid a deposit for twelve and four showed up 🙄

It is upsetting and embarrassing - you end up feeling like you’ve been at the receiving end of a rather horrible joke. But personally I don’t think extremes like ‘they aren’t your friends’ are helpful. It happens to everyone.

That's really bad. Our friendship groups are very reliable and this sort of thing never happens

Only if you have crappy friends.

In part, there is some truth to this but can any of us honestly say we’ve never behaved in a way that’s thoughtless or selfish? I certainly have and while I’m not proud of it I recognise I’m not perfect myself and can’t demand this from others.

It’s hard, balancing the line between being a pushover and just letting some stuff go.

I think this is the way of the world! I’m a Gen X-er who enjoys a team sport with a lot of younger people. The lack of resilience / commitment etc genuinely appalls me. I have a mentality that if you’re part of a team you turn up (both physically and mentally!) but week after week people are tired or it’s a struggle to get there or they worked until an hour before they’re due to start. If I commit to an event there’s no way I would miss it (even with letting the host know), unless I was very sick / contagious or some sort of emergency had occurred.

That's dreadful behaviour by your friends. But it's not what I've experienced when I or other friends have parties. I wouldn't do a FB invite though - is that normal for your friends? I do think it somehow doesn't feel like a personal invite. I used to send emails, these days I set up a WA group.

YANBU. People are flaky and rude. I’m afraid I would be telling them all exactly what I think and wouldn’t care if it damaged the friendships.

What hideously rude, thoughtless people OPs so called friends are. Bin them all off. How us this 'the way if the world now'? People need to stop tolerating such treatment.

She was probably grieving. Totally reasonable for me.

I cant be bothered organising stuff anymore for this exact reason. People are flakey and crap and rude.

If I do organise something it is something I'd be happy to do by myself.

I cant be bothered messing about and wondering/stressing about who will/wont turn up.

You're being goady and saying this for the sake of a reaction... right??

Surely no one can be this cruel to their "friends". What about the feelings of your friends you repeatedly let down? They don't matter? Only you and your feelings matter?

Wow.

Lots of people in this thread have described how people flaking on them at the last minute gives them anxiety and makes them feel really shit and low in mood.

Why do your feelings trump anyone else’s? If you know you’ll let people down and it will upset them then don’t give a firm yes in the first place!

I hear you. Sadly, it’s not unusual at all. I find people, especially since Covid, flakey and thoughtless.

Yes and you know whats even worse- that person clearly KNOWS how shitty it will make their "friends" feel and they still do it anyway!

They are the ones literally causing anxiety to other people and still dont seem to give a shit about it because only their feelings count, right?

Awful.

I wonder how some of these FB invitations work. FB reminded me this week that I’m interested in 2 events: one, definitely, I’m going and changed the setting to ‘going’, the other definitely not, changed the setting to ‘not going’. I never intended to go to the second, because I was definitely going to the first. I think the ‘interested’ must have been assigned automatically when I was invited?