To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

This is why I’d never host a party, I fear this would happen! Before the internet people always showed up to gatherings, it was the only way to socialise

I allays make sure I say yes and turn up to things, I always end up having a good time

I think people assume that if a lot of people are going, them not showing ‘won’t matter’. Regardless though, it’s incredibly rude to accept an invitation to a party and then just not show up.

That’s a really poor show. Really disappointing for you.

I agree that the "my kid is unwell" can often be a lie. They hust didnt feel like coming when it came to the day.

You hear this excuse flying about ALL THE TIME 🙄 Not to me, I dont have events, but to ones I attend or hear about afterwards.

You write friends and acquaintances.

If the majority were acquaintances there is your answer, not real friends, it was however exceptionally rude.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. What a waste of your energy, time and money.
As someone has mentioned before, could one of the reasons be sending the messages via FB? Perhaps some of your friends wouldn’t have seen the updates?
In addition to that:
It was a New moon on Saturday! People do weird things on New moon, without even realising.

I’m so sorry OP, this is awful. This happened to a friend of mine. She spent £600 on a Halloween party, made beautiful decorations and only three people turned up! What is wrong with people?!

I think you are worrying waaaay too much about how to appease these selfish dickheads. They arent your friends so who cares about impressing them or trying to work hard to get them to like you? Look at the way they bloody treated you!!

I understand friends are important but you clearly have a core group of 3-4 people who care about you and are there for you. Focus on them. Quality over quantity. Having a huge group of friends is little comfort if they cant even be arsed to show up to things they themselves wanted you to host.

I think you'll be much happier and at peace if you stop pandering to these people and just value yourself a bit more and let the cards fall where they may. Life will unfold it for you and your true friends will become obvious.

Friendship takes effort and reciprocity but I dont think you should have to be "working hard" for years to try to get people to value you enough to show up to things theyve committed to. Perhaps they arent actually worth all this effort?

Is this what people are like now?

I think it is! My DD is 17 and she is constantly shocked by the number of parties she goes to where the host ends up upset because a large number of people have sent a text on the day to say “oh - not feeling great”.

I think it’s too easy just to send a WhatsApp- you don’t have to face the person you’re letting down. In the olden days, you’d have to phone and say “little Lucy has just been sick so we’d better not come” and most people find it harder to do that if they’re lying!

It’s selfish and rude. I think these things should be called out, so I’d be tempted to post along those lines - “had a great time - as we always do - with great friends who always show up. God knows why you all persuaded me to make it a big party when none of you could be bothered to show up on the night….”.

I did not want to read this.

It's exactly what happened for my 40th. So I vowed never again.

I've been pushed into having a 50th. I'm dreading this exact thing happening again.

Really? Would you?

Thanks for the sympathy. I honestly think it’s a mix of things that people have suggested.
FB invites less formal
People can see who is going and think they won’t miss me if lots have accepted
People thought it was less a party more a tv watching night so easy to duck out of
People don’t want to mingle with other groups they don’t know
If the main connecting person isn’t going then others unlikely to go as they won’t know many others there
You have to be looking at FB regularly to get event reminders

We have WhatsApp group of all attendees who are all friends. Everyone wants to go to see the others and it’s visible to the whole
group if you bail for a shot reason and frankly you will be judged accordingly. I think disparate small groups coming together is a harder sell to guests as it’s more “social effort” for guests.

Yeah friends and friends of friends who’ve become people I see regularly and I get on with. It’s a small community. Funnily enough I see these people regularly because we all turn up to the same events and have a great time.
Agree though. They may not have felt the connection as much so didn't feel the. ‘can’t let giveitup down’ as much. Maybe they thought they were invited to make up the numbers. Who knows.

I think you're trying to find a logical explanation for something that was genuinely hurtful.

Some of those factors probably did play a part- FB invites are treated casually, mixed groups can make people hesitant, and people are less likely to go if their “anchor friend” drops out but none of that really explains the rudest part, which is people accepting, not turning up, and not even sending a message.

That isn’t a Facebook issue so much as a flakiness and consideration issue. I think a lot of modern socialising has become very low-commitment. People like the idea of being social, being invited, and saying “sounds amazing!” but when the evening arrives, comfort wins and they stay home without thinking too hard about the impact on the host.

That doesn’t necessarily make them terrible people, but it does reveal the difference between acquaintances, casual social connections, and the small number of genuinely dependable friends who actually show up for you.

I dont think your results would have been any different had you sent out invitations in a different format- lots of people on MN have shared similar stories with more formal invitations than FB.

What this evening really did was give you clarity. The people who showed up are your solid people. Value them.

Honestly, people do not give a shit how they treat other's these days. Everyone thinks their needs trump everyone else's.

I do think there is truth in this.

There is increasingly an attitude that old fashioned manners are passe and only people a bit passive, dim and unambitious follow them - people who aren't in touch with their "boundaries" or who have failed to get the "Assertiveness is In" memo.

After years of getting dismayed by people's selfishness, I am now staring to ask myself from time to time "What would so and so do if they felt like me about this?" And normally the answer to that is "Whatever she felt like" and I then try to adopt that myself so as not to be the only lame-o doing what I think ought to be done!

But that is how societies degrade, quite honestly. I don't think manners were as draconian and awful as people thought they were. But they do start to seem a bit pointless when 80 percent of people have given up on them.

Hmm quite. I’m not really up for PA or direct calling out or making myself a victim. I will see these people again given the way our circles work.
Id love for them to know how much this hurt but equally I don’t want them to avoid me or think I’m some kind of victim that depends on their presence.
I think I will say to a few who failed to message ‘oh I was sad not to see you last Saturday I was waiting for you to party with you’ and see what they say.

Also I do think SM and technology has a part to play.

Once people would have known you had sent out invitations or picked up the phone to organise. It is too easy these days to click-add another number to a whats app group and everything has a greater informality, which I think opens the way for this kind of attitude.

If this were me (and I am so impressed at your bravery to organise a party because I never could, I'm far too worried about rejection!)...
I would style it out, say yes we had a great time, shame you couldn't come.
Then... I'd play the long game, so next year when they start sniffing for invites, I'd be breezy and say oh no, it's far too difficult tracking numbers and planning food cos half the people you invite can't make it on the day. Ha ha ha . Point would definitely be taken!
Edited to add: but definitely don't be embarrassed. They will be embarrassed, but not you. Its also not personal - I am a similar age to you and I think phones allow people to be so flakey.

Hi @giveitupm8
Just wanted to say that this happened to me a few years ago and it left me quite deflated TBH. I'd newly moved in a few years before and was trying to establish friendships.

I had a chat with a friend who was an events organiser. She was saying that for parties, people, even good people, let you down. Some have very good reasons, some are just flaky. She said she always invited more people than she wanted to be there so on the night there will be enough people in attendance. Also send out a quick message a few days before as a reminder for everyone.

So this year, for my birthday, I decided to host another party. I was very nervous due to my previous experience. I thought I wanted around 30 people there. So I invited around 45. The day came around. As suspected, some people did drop out (illness, tired, baby sitting issues.....) but enough people came round for it to be an occasion. It went very well.

My learning is to invite more people than you think is necessary. It still hurts though when you first experience it.

OP, I can pretty much guarantee if you'd invited me I'd have come!

"you are not as popular as you think you are"

Wow, how rude and unkind to someone who is upset. If people didn't want to come, for whatever reason, that's totally fine. They could have declined

Are you for real?

Do you seriously not know that many, many people host Eurovision parties, and many, many people attend?

And they all have a great time, because it's fun.

You sound so pompous, especially your last sentence, I'm sure you don't get invited to any parties. And if you did, you'd probably consider them "too banal" to attend.

There's no excuse for accepting an invitation to a friend's event, not turning up, and not messaging to let them know aren't coming. If you have badgered them for an invitation, that makes it even worse.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP, it's really shitty of them. I do think it's become more common since covid, and one of the reasons I don't host parties often.
I would definitely call them out though. Some people do this regularly because there are no consequences. They should be shamed!

This. People are incredibly flakey these days about bailing on plans. My parents had great parties eg for 50ths, big anniversaries, retirements etc. No one i know plans parties any more because you can't actually be surely people will turn up, even if they've rsvp'd.

There's a growing individualistic streak about it, where people think it should be ok to either turn down an invite because you don't fancy it much (no thought for the birthday girl etc), delay rsvping to see if you get a "better offer" or accept stuff but decide to bin it on the day because you can't be bothered.