To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

I think it's really difficult to imagine when there are lots of people invited to think that you will be missed. Even in my book group there is a tendency for people to bail at the last minute despite the fact that we make a lot of effort to pick a date that suits at least 7 out of 9 of us. Last book group two of us admitted we nearly didn't come due to tiredness but had been so shocked by two others bailing at short notice that we made the effort (it's all on WhatsApp)

I think now it's actually worth chasing people by phone on the day and ringing to remind them you are looking forward to seeing them; makes it less likely they imagine themselves to be invisible and dispensable.

I think now if someone on the phone said they were too tired or hungover I would actually ask them to come for "a bit" and be more forceful.

For my part I now say No in advance to a lot of things rather than let someone down at the last minute. You can be over optimistic about your ability to manage multiple social outings and now I try to be over cautious so as not to let people down.

I'd be really pissed off about this and would feel the same as you. I'd feel like messaging the group saying only 3 people turned up so not hosting again. I'm not sure if that's a good idea though. I'd most likely not be brave enough to message the group but let it known to a few key people that I felt let down

I wouldn't be the first to pull out but if the others from my group did, I would follow suit.

That’s really poor. I wouldn’t make any further effort trying to get closer to these flaky friends.

That’s awful but I really think 40th celebrations have had their day. It’s really cringy and not like a 21st or 50th. I have a big circle of friends and not one had a 40th. It must have been a thing back then but I have heard of anyone having a 40th big celebration recently

No.

Be your authentic self - the good, bad and ugly. (Or good, bad and disappointed in this case!) That's how you connect with genuine people and create real friends.

If you have to pretend to be breezy and cool all the time even when you're not, that's an acquaintance not a friend.

I don’t think there is much you can say: you can’t guilt people into being better friends. They are more likely to sheepishly avoid you after if you do.

two things to note; you made an effort where others did not. You should feel proud of that. Also, you say you have worked on these friendships for 5 or so years - you should feel proud of that too. Not everyone comes
with a readymade bunch of mates. There are
often threads on here from people who say they don’t have a single friend. To get friends you need to expose yourself a little to risk; that is what you have done. It hasn’t quite worked out exactly as you wanted but you have tried.

That’s not really the point. People can choose to have a party for any reason and friends/family agree to attend then it’s on them to attend. Theres no obligation at that point but if they agree and then just don’t turn up they are letting the party planner down and potentially causing them a lot of expense. It’s just rude and there’s no excuse (baring genuine reasons like illness or emergencies).

I would be livid if friends had actually asked me to do a party then couldn’t come because they were ‘tired’.

They’re awful. Covid has created this optional vibe towards party invitations. Jesus people - just show up!

There so much ‘protecting your own peace.’ Talk now that people convince themselves that that’s what they’re doing, when actually, they’re just being a twat.

That's super shit op. It's not a reflection on you it's a reflection on them

What a weird take. And rather arrogant to assume you will live to 50 so can forego celebrating anything as "cringy" as a mere 40th birthday.

Are people allowed to celebrate turning 30? 60? 90? Or is that cringy too?

Yeah, I agree with that. To me, a Facebook invite is quite low key and casual, and I wouldn't really see it as a complete agreement to go to something. Also, if people see that lots of others have said yes on the invite, and they don't feel like going, they might not think it matters as there will still be lots of people there.. but if lots of people have the same thought, suddenly there's lots of people dropping out.

In the future, I'd suggest sending a personal message to everyone you're inviting. Make them see it IS personal and not just an invite sent to all your Facebook friends. And then follow up on it the week before, and perhaps a day or two before.

I also never accept an invitation and then change my mind (except actual sickness) and even then would send apologies.

The idea of just saying I'll go and then not is awful, to me.

However, you see it encouraged on MN all the time. "Say you've got a stomach bug/ say your childcare has fallen through" as if lying is perfectly fine. Really depressing.

People can be flakey and dishonest. I've actually never really experienced this very much in my circle, so perhaps I've just not bothered being friends with the sort of people that do this!

My daughter who is 24, tells me that there is pushback on the whole "protect your peace" stuff; now the code is to go to events and outings even if you don't want to on the night and cope with feeling "uncomfortable" rather than let people down. Too many people of her age fed up with last minute cancellations.

That's shocking.
What a shower of rotten bastards.
So sorry you went through this.

I agree about sending personal invites to each person rather than an online event. I think people do view them more casually.

I completely disagree with this. This isn’t about popularity imho. It’s far more about the invitees than the host.

Some of the invitees had actually encouraged op to host remember. Others had asked to be invited.

FWIW, I think it’s probably far more about the unseasonably cold, rainy weather and mistakenly thinking that an invitation via Facebook is somehow going out to hundreds of people!

Also, Eurovision last year was pretty poor and maybe people remembered that? No excuse for last minute cancellations though!

In your shoes op I think I would be very tempted to message the entire group expressing your disappointment and laying out the numbers and reasons for cancellation. I probably wouldn’t follow through and would keep my powder dry until next year.

I don’t understand why you should feel embarrassed though Op! On the contrary, you were well organised, welcoming, kind and obliging so I would hold your head up if I were you!

Love this thank you.

I love this - great post as it’s so true!

Just remembered that I saw one that didn’t show up literally last week. She said oh I’m so excited about the party. I’m coming with x and y. Neither she nor x and y came and didn’t message. I’m guessing if one of them dropped out the others would be less likely to come as I think one of them would drive and collect the others.

I had a taste of this early in life and resolved ever since never to have any event where it was down to me to invite people. It's utterly soul destroying and makes you simply despise people.

Yes, I think this is it. If all you've sent out are invites via a set up FB event, that might not have seemed formal/serious enough.
I've pressed "going" to events on there as a way of bookmarking the event and getting a reminder for it if I'm interested, but not always gone. (NOT to things like a friend's set up party though!)
Maybe they've done similar?
Still crap not to let you know though.

Have had exactly same experience. Very common now. People seem to find invitations to things to be an imposition and 'exhausting.' Have had friends complain to me, telling me that they've been invited to some party or other and what a drag it is and how they have to come up with an excuse not to go. If you want 20 people to come, you have to invite 50. People want to stay home on their screens. It's very, very sad. Don't let it put you off entertaining however. Just stick with your real friends.

Also, the larger the party, the more people are likely to duck out at the last minute. Each of them thinks they won't be missed because it's such a big party. But when you multiply this out, you end up with almost no one there. It's pathetic, it really is. If I say I will come to something, I will go to an awful lot of trouble to be there. It's very important to me. I know how much effort people will have gone to to host a group.