To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

The internet/social media creates a convenient filter. It’s easy to “like” etc and easy to comment, but this butts up against the much harder act of moving through space to honour a commitment. People lose impetus, and the original sentiment sits behind the screen, easily allowing them to mentally scroll past and forget that there is a real person who has made a real effort for them.

You aren’t real to them. You’re a picture on a screen.

A few things are probably true simultaneously: People have become more casual about social commitments, especially with group events and Facebook invites. Many people say “yes” aspirationally and decide later based on mood, energy, weather, convenience, childcare, hangover level, etc. It sucks, but it’s common in our current society. Some people genuinely do not understand the amount of work and expense involved in hosting. The no-shows without a message are the real issue here, not the people with legitimate reasons.
Please don’t beat yourself up OP
— it’s not about popularity. It’s more about modern RSVP culture becoming extremely low-accountability. A lot of people now treat informal social events as “maybe unless I feel like it on the day.” That’s inconsiderate, but it’s common.

The bigger the party, the less you'll be missed...

Maybe it's just a really awful coincidence and multiple people just didn't feel like leaving the house and assumed you'd have so many there, that it wouldn't really matter.

I once turned up to a party where we were the only guests that turned up and the host had catered masses of food - enough for 50 people. It was really awkward, but we didn't feel that we could just leave.

That is so terrible. I think you should tell the people who pressed you to have the party exactly what happened, not angrily but just in a factual way. People can be so thoughtless.

Omg that is soooo shit Im so sorry

Did you invite lots of people from different friendship groups that didn't know each other?

I would rather stay at home than sit with a bunch of half pissed people i don't know.

I'd have come and i don't like eurovision! I dont get invited anywhere and have not many friends 😂

Sounds like you planned a fantastic night, their loss

Many years ago - back in the early 1980s - a colleague invited himself, his GF and two other friends to my home at short notice. He persuaded me into it although I just wanted a quiet evening after a busy day in work. They said we will bring wine and pizza. I went out at lunchtime bought more wine, fruit and cheese for afterwards. Late afternoon colleague rings and tells me his party have had another invitation and they will not be coming. So when I told him what I thought of people who turn down an invitation which they themselves have scrounged when something better comes up. He said "Well we were bringing our own food". The other colleagues I worked with were shocked at such thoughtlessness.

There is a silver lining. I invited a neighbour around to help consume the food we got talking about going to uni. That conversation was instrumental in my eventually quitting the job to go into further education.

I never forgave my thoughtless colleague and declined an invitation to his wedding. He later lost his job in a round of re-organizations. Karma can be a bitch.

I invited over 20 of my daughter’s nursery friends to a soft play party for her birthday.
Invites went out and I had to chase parents for replies.
Only 5 people showed up.
If I’d known that I’d have just paid for them on the door instead of private hire and food.

Yes. Probably 5/6 Venn diagrams of friendship groups if that makes sense. Lots wouldn’t know anyone else who was invited bar 3/4 friends. Suppose it’s harder for someone to turn up when the people they know aren’t going to be there.

That's true, but it seems odd that it's changed so much. I've heard lots of stories like this (the worst is the kid who had no one turn up to a birthday party) and a generation ago, people didn't bail except for serious things. Being selfish and letting others down used to be seen as a bad thing, now pleasing people is criticised by some. You could post photos of all the stuff you bought, with a link to a post like this.

That's very weird. I can only imagine that people thought it was a kind of open house party rather than an invite only guest list, per se, and the person who demanded an invite really meant, "Is it ok to come if you didn't tell me about it directly and personally?"

I'm clutching at straws a bit maybe. That's so strange.

It happened to me years ago
We had an amazing party a few months before and everyone said oh yes please please do it again - so we did and were so underwhelmed and wasted so much food - I’ve never hosted that kind of party since!
Now I stick to small groups of chosen friends who gel well together and make sure that people know to RSVP and let me know if there’s issues in plenty of time in which case I’d rather cancel and reschedule

It's incredibly rude - poor you, OP. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about, you went to a tonne of effort for other people and it's them who should be embarrassed. You sound lovely.

FWIW I do think people are a lot more inclined to flake on things since Covid and also more likely to skip biggish gatherings because they tend to think 'oh, I'm just one person, no one will miss me'. Tired is a weak excuse though.

That's dreadful, but I agree with others who say perhaps using FB meant people viewed it as if they were being added to a party that was happening anyway, and so you wouldn't really care if they turned up or not. Something a bit more personal and maybe they would have felt more like it was an invitation to them rather than they were just added to a list?

Still a bugger for you though. I am sorry. Can you return the soundbar?

That’s so rude especially the people who just didn’t attend on the day. I wouldn’t bother hosting a party again after that.

That's really shit OP. Particlarly the one who begged for an invite, what a dick!

There was a thread on here about a year ago where someone had done the same for a 'big' birthday party, hardly anyone turned up and she was left out of pocked and embarrassed. I suppose everyone thinks 'Oh they won't miss one person out of everyone invited,' but forget if everyone thinks the same then

I also find that it's the flakey ones who then get upset when they stop getting invited places!

The only thing I'd say is be honest when you next see some of these people, and when they ask 'oh how was the party,' don't brush over it, let them squirm by telling them exactly how shit you felt and how much time and effort was wasted.

It's really mean

We moved here maybe 5/6 years ago and I’ve put in a lot of effort into making friends. So these aren’t lifelong friends. Some are pretty close in that we meet and message regularly. Have dinner with them etc. go to events together. The others are like I say above; burgeoning friendships. Theyve invited me to things, I meet them in bigger groups etc. So know them well and see them often. They were most of the ones who didn’t pitch up.

Oh poor girl .. her 18th. Please tell me she got over it.
ive known this happen.. often due to extending invitations beyond a close circle ( which may be small, nothing wrong with that). Or asking a big connected group ( either all come or none).

I wonder if that’s the issue. I’m mid 40s and don’t mix and match friendship groups generally. The odd extra person is fine, but I can’t be arsed with meeting lots of new people on a weekend. I’d rather socialise with friends I know.

Your last point. Is that a good strategy? Won’t I be putting myself forward as a bit of a Billy no mates victim/loser?! Surely they’ll think ‘of thank fuck I didn’t turn up to that’.
Wouldnt a ‘oh we had such a fun night it was a shame you didn’t come’ be better?
Especially as im keen to strengthen the friendship with a lot of the people who didn’t turn up…. Or maybe I take this as my cue that they aren’t that interested in me

Here is how you make the point in a non inflammatory way when you cross paths with a no-shower:

"Hey giveitupm8 how are you?"

"Ok thanks, just still feeling a bit disappointed about the Eurovision party the other week."

"Oh? What happened"

"I went to great expense and effort, catered for 30, hired extra glasses and everything. And then people bailed at the 11th hour or just didnt show. I'm so disappointed in them."

[then let the silence do the rest of the heavy lifting]

You really ought to have sent a little message saying ‘you suggested it!’ I would struggle to do this myself but I really think I might have forced a little sarcastic message out to be honest.

I would have put a message out to the WhatsApp group the next day to say: "What a great night! But soooo much leftover food if anyone fancies a picnic dinner, come on over and grab a plate."

But it's too late for that so maybe instead "what a great night and thanks to those who came to what (as it turns out) is our swan song/finale Eurovision party. This time of year is too hectic"