To think this is why I don’t host parties.

[giveitupm8]

Every year we have a few friends come over to watch Eurovision. Nothing fancy just snacks, drinks and a bit of fun.
Over the year several other friends and acquaintances have expressed an interest in coming along and a couple encouraged me to have a full blown party this year.
So we did. Invited 30 people via Facebook events. Bought and made loads of food, created a special cocktail for the evening. Hired extra glasses. We even decided to buy a soundbar for the tv. We had 25 people accept the invite.
One friend of a friend even messaged me to say ‘hey where’s my invite?! I love Eurovision’ so added her and her husband.

Just after Saturday lunch the excuses came rolling in.
5 people too hungover
3 people kids were sick
1 person said they couldn't come because her husband was going out (despite the fact that both were invited and accepted)

3 just tired
1 person with a dead cat (fair enough on that one)

Okay so these things happen but i was a bit annoyed at the tired and hungover ones given all the effort.

12 of us was still a good number so was looking forward to the night

3 people turned up. The friends who would come anyway. The 10 or so who should have been there? Not a sausage. No message to say can’t come. Nothing. The excited friend who demanded an invite? Nothing.

Im so sad and embarrassed. So angry at the wasted food and effort. Is this what people are like now? AIBU to never host a party again?

Adding: the invite went out 6 weeks ahead of the event. Spoke with most attendees at least once in the intervening time and we discussed the party. I messaged the whole group on Saturday morning to remind them and to advise on parking.

Op call them out on it when they ask. Why should they get away with it. Think of it like this, if they didn’t care enough to duck at the last minute then they really don’t hold your friendship high enough already so calling them out isn’t going to break any special friendships anyway.

I used to organise work social events after work. One time it was a Christmas dinner. The team were saying they wanted to go to a restaurant for a Xmas dinner, would I organise it. So I did the research, costed it out as cheaply as possible. I was sending out emails in September and we went to the Xmas dinner the beginning of December.

had to get the money upfront from everyone. There was a large turnout. Everyone seemed to have a good time.

However, I got last minute dropouts where I couldn’t get the money back, even though the work colleagues demanded money back.

the restaurant was a 5 minute walk from the workplace.

The excuses I got was: it’s raining/ I’ve changed my mind/ childcare issues/ wife said she doesn’t want me to go/mixed the dates up/don’t feel like going any more/something on the TV I want to watch/ need to walk the dog/ domestic issues with the spouse / changed my mind (no reason given)/ something better is on.

It was so much faff and hard work for people to turn around and say they wanted their money back and the restaurant saying no money back for cancellations.

I never did it again. Was totally tee’d off.

Live and learn OP. How rude though.

You don’t need to try to impress the people who no showed. If you don’t feel comfortable holding them to account use the middle ground of ‘we had a great time but sad there is a lot of sickness going around so only a few could make it and we had to waste a lot of the food.’ If they are worth knowing they will be sorry as it’s them who should feel embarrassed.

That’s awful. So rude. I wouldn’t object LOVE to be invited to something like that and would totally have turned up and loved it.
Id call them out on it.

Same here.

Nah, it's really crappy of them, esp the ones who wanted you to host a party. Sorry OP, I think I'd not bother again. Rude people don't deserve a shindig of yours ever again. At least you put in 10//10. Hope you had a nice evening regardless.

OP, I do sympathise.
However, OP, as harsh as it sounds, the right answer is probably you are not as popular as you think you are, and this feeling of embarrassment tells you this subconsciously. It does hurt, I feel for you. The good news is that you can take notes from this experience.

Have you been to the houses and parties of the people who didn't turn up? If you haven't, you've offered an opportunity to become closer by inviting, the opportunity has not been taken at the end. I do agree though that it was very rude.
Relationships and friendships only develop if they are reciprocal. Now the ball is on the side of the other people who didn't turn up. If there is no reciprocal invite, then this is your answer - people just don't want to become closer with you, for whatever the reason is.

I’d be heartbroken and fuming. I’m sorry that happened to you, OP 💐

"too hung over to turn up" is just plain rude. OP you need better friends

It is not only rude, it could be read as offensive like "I care so little about you that can't come with better excuse".

Not my thing Eurovision so wouldn’t have accepted and politely turn it down - but rude if they said yes and don’t turn up - basic manners

Agreed. If I accept I’m going unless the hit hits the fan in which case I send an apologetic message. And I say no to stuff I don’t want to go with.

I have a couple of flaky friends, I basically don’t count them in the numbers and generally I’m proven right! But they are in the minority.

I would never invite those people again and next time I saw them I’d ask, what happened?

Friendships are sort of similar to relationships. Consider it was a date with someone who has opted out just before the date. Would it be a good idea to write a message how one is disappointed or posting the photos of left over food the outfit for the night? Of course not. Unless there is inclination to rearrange the date, then 's/he is not that into you', for whatever the reason.

The world is really different now isnt it.

That is so rubbish and rude. The 'hungover' and 'tired' people who called off last minute are actually your politer friends! I know you feel embarrassed but I would want to remind everyone that replying yes to an invitation and then simply not showing up is a really crap way to behave.

This. I had to miss my friend's wedding (I was gutted) but her wedding was two days after DS's due date. He arrived on said due date and we were in hospital for nearly a week. We'd discussed what would happen if I couldn't make it and she was fully aware of the situation.

If I except an invitation to something I'll turn up unless something that's a proper emergency has occurred. I'm always tired, that's not an excuse to not go to a party!

Oh that's awful @giveitupm8 and so much effort put in.

I've noticed times where it seems that the more people that are invited, the more drop out. Almost a case of - oh they won't miss me with 29 others there...
Not that that's an excuse! I also agree that SM makes it easier to click a button for attendance without any actual thought and last minute excuses come far too easily.

Gosh that’s shit I’m so sorry op. I have major anxiety over hosting parties (even kids parties) for this very reason. I wouldn’t even bother calling them out but if and when they angle for an invite next year you can tell them that you won’t be throwing a party again due to the waste of time and money this time. And only the friends who reliably turn up each year will be invited. People are so incredibly rude and always seem to want to see if they get a better offer.

A massive part to why we don’t have parties anymore!!

DP has a close knit family we have always relied on but the last few gatherings we have arranged have ended up with just his mum and grandma attending. We love them both but it is not a party! So much wasted food and effort

Really sad and I do think much more common nowadays

My 40th i was in tears at all the cancellations oj the day including some very close friends

Same at my brother on his ..I also remember a good friend very stressed when the cancellations began to roll in before her 40th

People are selfish and lazy and obsessed with self care

Oh that is so rubbish of them!
I had to let a friend down recently when my daughter was ill, but I felt terrible and have tried to make it up to her.
It is never okay to just ghost a host in the run-up to their party or event, even if it is informal.
Really rubbish of them!

Bit you wouldn't have said you would come at least and then not turned up I bet (unless you are very flaky)

I think some people have FOMO until they actually get an invite and the suddenly they CBA.

I am petty so I wouldn't mention anything. But when you do your Eurovision party again for your actual friends next year and the CFs pop up asking for an invitation (which they more than likely will) fire back with "oh I'd love to invite you but unfortunately last year when so many people dropped out last minute and I was left with loads of food wastage, I daren't risk it happening again. Hope you enjoy watching it on telly though".

Sorry this happened to you. It’s awful.

This started happening to me in my early 20’s, so about 15 years ago. My group of close friends just kept making excuses not to attend birthday meals, nights out etc when they were things we all loved to do. Or almost worse, turning up but clearly not really wanting to be there and hardly having any chat or obvious inclination to make the time a success. But then the week after I’d see they’d all been out together having fun. Gotta love those early days of FB when everyone made albums of nights out.

Stopped organising things. Hardly been invited to anything since, about once every three years or so. It was a bitter pill to swallow and took a long time to accept but now I just say fuck ‘em.

If I do ever see them, they just seem like people I used to know now. Nothing really to say. I turn up to be polite, listen to them all talking and laughing about stuff they’ve done together, talk if they think to include me but never get chance to talk about me or my life, and leave as early as possible.