AIBU to stop giving lifts to a school mum and daughter

[Rosesandthorns66]

Hi,
First time poster but long time reader.
Just wanted some perspective on an issue that is playing on my mind more than it should. The entitlement of this parent has upset me.
A school mum that had mostly ignored me in the past came up to me asking if I can give her the details of the activity my 10 year old daughter goes to, so that she can send her daughter. Both girls are in the same class.

I gave her the details, she arranged to join the activity, which is twice a week.
Then she asked me if she can get a lift on the days her husband was at work. Being put on the spot I said ok. She would go with me and then I would drop her back home. Even picking the girls she would say I'll go with you.
I am a single parent with 4 children, I have a lot of responsibilities of my own.
I have no ex- husband helping out and both my parents have passed away.
I also realised when this woman's husband was off work and taking his daughter himself, the woman made no offer to take my daughter with them.
I did ask this woman if we can take it in turns to drop the girls off and I'll do drop offs and pick ups, when her husband is at work.
She replied, ofcourse, ofcourse.
Then didn't offer to take my daughter on the next occasion.
Then she messages me saying, her husband has been asked to work for the next 4 weeks and if I can drop her daughter off because I go there anyway.
She said, it would be inconvenient for her to get there on the bus.
Its obvious she has no intention of taking my daughter, when her husband is going to drop off their daughter.
Thankyou all for reading, I feel upset, for being put in this position.
I feel guilty but also I feel I'm being used.
Would you feel guilty for saying no?
Am I in the wrong if I said No, this doesn't work for me.
Votes would be no I'm not being unreasonable to stop giving lifts.
Yes if I'm being mean for not helping out.

Stay strong. If she asks again say no. I'm worried for you, because you sound too nice, and, no doubt this CF will try again.

OP, I have seen many many threads like this.
It is a common issue that arises when you have children. I have heard variations of it from friends over the years involving school, activities and sports.
Some are actually brazen, like my neighbour and that women.
Once bitten you can become cautious.
One friend told me her trick was to say to EVERYTHING, "let me get back to you on that".....which gave her the chance to think about it. I have done that too.

There is a part of me laughing at myself as pretty sure no one would ever ask me to take their child. I’m constantly late and chaotic so that works well to my benefit.

Im so proud of you OP! I totally get that it wasn't just the unreciprocated lift, it was the way she felt entitled to have you "serve" her. The burning resentment would have niggled away at you (if you are anything like me).

Some people think so highly of themselves they seem to think others should feel honoured to be allowed to serve them. You aren't her inferior, how dare she act like you are. She can fuck right off!

I also realised when this woman's husband was off work and taking his daughter himself, the woman made no offer to take my daughter with them

Ha. No. Surely that makes it easier for you?!.
Just say you can't anymore, sorry..

I would not feel guilty at all telling her no.

It is vert clear this is a one sided arrangement that suits only her, not you.

I would tell her that current arrangement doesn’t work for you and won’t be happening anymore. Don’t apologise, don’t elaborate on the reasons why, don’t go on suggesting alternative arrangements for her (bus etc). If pressed re why, i’d go as far as to say ‘i have enough to deal with day in day out and this arrangement does not work for my anymore’, basically stating exactly the same.

You have to reasons to feel guilty btw. She is a user, we’ve all met one of those. She is responsible for getting her dd to the activity, not you.

@Whowhenwhat
Unfortunately, we are targets.
I wouldn't ask anyone to do favours for nothing in return.
Some people think, just because someone is going there its ok. Like I was told by this woman you go there anyway.
Well you can call an uber and it will go that way aswell.

@Satsuma55
Thankyou for your kind words. 😊❤️
It's when I had to deal with a few dilemmas at home (mentioned in the posts before) that I realized, there's no one to help me and I'm barely coping. When I took my oldest to hospital at 6.00am my younger ones were all left home. On another occasion I got late to the activity because I was dealing with another dilemma. I just can't just be super kind and then struggle, so I said to her lets take it in turns. That request fell on deaf ears.
I won't fall into the trap of taking taking once I've had so much anxiety over how to get out of this situation.
I will feel bad when I see her, knowing that I've refused to help her but then I've got to remember she was given a choice of taking it turns and she doesn't want to offer help in the first place, she just wants help from others.🙁

I don't think there is any shame in being nice. However, it is also ok not to want to be taken advantage of. There have been lots of times I have done similar stuff and it hasn't been reciprocated. I probably look a complete mug to outsiders, but as long as I was happy with it (and as long as it wasn't too much skin off my nose), I carried on. When I stopped being happy with it, I stopped. I guess I am quite laid back. However, there are some very cheeky folk out there!

@Zerosleep
😂 they would have a hard time trying to find you. Thankyou for your kind words.
I feel stronger, which is my normal self.
I've let the anxiety go and yes I'm definitely going to choose my replies carefully from now on. "Let me get back to you on that" is excellent.
I need to remember that in the future.
I think I will from now on because this lady has taught me a valuable lesson.

@karinahh and @Zerosleep
Sorry I got the two replies mixeded up.🤭😊
Thankyou for your kind words.

@honeylulu
Yes you start feeling a lot of emotions and with me aswell the burning resentment was one of them.
When she and her husband took their own daughter, there was not a mention of taking my daughter with them but when she wanted a lift, she was either catching me at the school or messaging me with if I can please do her a favour.
She was very sweet with her words.

Don’t feel bad.

Do you think she’s felt bad that she’s asking you to do something for her that neither her or her husband can be bothered to do for their own daughter?!

@Kittylickingplate
Thankyou for sharing your situation.
You obviously knew this lady beforehand maybe the children were friends aswell. You also helped her out a lot aswell. Having someone to help you out with the children is a real bonus.

The woman in my situation never really spoke to me and my daughter and her daughter are not friends.
It was just a case of her coming up to me and asking for the details of the activity, then after joining she started asking for lifts.

@Rosesandthorns66 absolutely!
I was more comparing myself being a numpty for so long, years and years. Congratulations on having more sense than me!

@Shinyandnew1
Thankyou for your reply and the words of encouragement. 🙏 I'm find them very helpful and therapeutic.

Thankyou to every single reply on my thread.
I've found all of you very supportive and I'm a 100% myself (strong) again. 😊❤️
Before I was feeling very nervous about running into this woman again.
On this thread I've been able to write down my feelings and has helped. I know I've been repeating myself again but its been helpful.

When my DH worked away me and neighbour walked our kids to school together. On rainy days I drove us all, if it was particularly cold or wet I’d take her DD & tell her to stay in the warm with her then toddler. I did this for years!!
when my DH got a job back here so took the car to work, on rainy miserable days her partner would go in slightly later so she could drive her kids in, she never once offered to take my DD… NOT ONCE!! She would say there wasn’t room in the car as her partner wanted to come along too… sorry but wouldn’t you say to your partner…. no, you stay home so I can take neighbours child who has driven me for the last 4 years?!?……
When my DH’s job changed again I used to take DD in and not offer them lifts anymore… Even when it was pouring I’d see them walk past and pass them in our car and just remind myself of the times they allowed us to get soaked to the bone! They wouldn’t even drop the kids and then offer me just me a lift back!!

@T1Dmama
That's really sad. Also just shows the unkind nature of people.
There was no purpose of her husband tagging along in the car!
I can't believe she had not empathy for returning the favour of receiving the lifts you gave for the previous 4 years.
4 years is a long time!

@T1Dmama her H wanted to tag along - what weirdness is that? Did she ever ask you again for a lift?

No.
she text and said I’m not walking today as partner driving us in, can’t give your DD a lift as car is full as DP wants to come with us!…. I responded OK….
i then didn’t have a car for a while as DH used it for work, We stopped walking together at some point as she said her back hurt so she needed to leave earlier and walk slower, my DD didn’t want to get up earlier…. So we sorted ourselves out and I just never offered again and she never asked.
we’re still polite and our kids share friendship circles. But her DD isn’t particularly kind to mine. (Teens now)

Annoying op had lots of this in my dd sport. All take take. My neighbour drives her own now to matches. You can see why people dont get into it. Years ago when I said sorry we gone earlier as errands to do she said sure they can go with you!! I dont like users either op. Always an excuse when their turn too to do it

@Mary46
It is unbelievable how people feel free to ask but wouldn't do the same.
Yeah this is why, I was very firm with my no.
I didn't want this woman coming up with a reply.
When I've had enough or something, I have to stop the situation for my own health's sake.

Yes my husband met the mam at match. Drives her own kid. Think sometimes its better. People brass necks arent they. Also got comments sure you going anyway). We have twins on team they always bumming lifts nobody replies now as sick it (age 19)

We found if we do it once its set in stone then ...

Just remembered another one! Years ago my fil, ex dh, me and dh's friend used to go out Friday night. My ex used to drive and get him, I'd drive home as I don't drink.
Every time, when we went to get the friend, he was late, me and fil were waiting in the car, sometimes for 20 minutes. My ex was OK, he was in a nice warm house waiting for his friend and having a nice chat with his parents! My ex was a late person, couldn't see the problem until one day his dad had a go, as we were in the car in the cold for 30 minutes. Next week, the friend came out on time, I gave him a round of applause, he got in a piss and stomped back inside!
When I'd driven everyone home (friend lived the other side of town) he'd get out, thank my ex h, never a word to me.
One day, I pulled up outside our house, told the friend I was pissed off with him being late every time (he had slipped back into his late habits AGAIN) I also said he was rude never to thank me, and I'm not taking him home again. My ex went mad, told me to get out the car so he could drive his friend home, I refused as he'd been drinking, quite a kerfuffle! I said I'd take him home this time but never again. Mind you, he did thank me that time.
Next time we went out ex quietly asked me if I was driving home, I said no and I didn't FOR THE NEXT 3 YEARS. My ex had to stay sober if his friend was there, but I'd quite happily drive home if his friend wasn't there.
As I'm older now, I'd have done it sooner, but I was young and soft then.