AIBU to stop giving lifts to a school mum and daughter

[Rosesandthorns66]

Hi,
First time poster but long time reader.
Just wanted some perspective on an issue that is playing on my mind more than it should. The entitlement of this parent has upset me.
A school mum that had mostly ignored me in the past came up to me asking if I can give her the details of the activity my 10 year old daughter goes to, so that she can send her daughter. Both girls are in the same class.

I gave her the details, she arranged to join the activity, which is twice a week.
Then she asked me if she can get a lift on the days her husband was at work. Being put on the spot I said ok. She would go with me and then I would drop her back home. Even picking the girls she would say I'll go with you.
I am a single parent with 4 children, I have a lot of responsibilities of my own.
I have no ex- husband helping out and both my parents have passed away.
I also realised when this woman's husband was off work and taking his daughter himself, the woman made no offer to take my daughter with them.
I did ask this woman if we can take it in turns to drop the girls off and I'll do drop offs and pick ups, when her husband is at work.
She replied, ofcourse, ofcourse.
Then didn't offer to take my daughter on the next occasion.
Then she messages me saying, her husband has been asked to work for the next 4 weeks and if I can drop her daughter off because I go there anyway.
She said, it would be inconvenient for her to get there on the bus.
Its obvious she has no intention of taking my daughter, when her husband is going to drop off their daughter.
Thankyou all for reading, I feel upset, for being put in this position.
I feel guilty but also I feel I'm being used.
Would you feel guilty for saying no?
Am I in the wrong if I said No, this doesn't work for me.
Votes would be no I'm not being unreasonable to stop giving lifts.
Yes if I'm being mean for not helping out.

No it's not just in primary school! My dd and her friend went to a school disco, I took them, her friend's parent picked them up, all OK there. Another girl couldn't get there and I was asked to give her a lift, no problem, although I had to go to the other side of town and double back on myself. I did the pick up, original parents did the drop off. The second friend's dad was a military guard and had funny shifts, so happy to help. However, the next disco, he took his daughter and when I asked if he was taking mine and my friend's daughter, he said no as he had the dog in the car and there was no room. He had the facility to leave the dog at home, BTW. I said there and then I'd not be taking her again, but next disco or whatever it was my dd asked me again, as otherwise her second friend couldn't go. Tough luck, never took her anywhere again and neither did the original friend's parents.

I’m proud of you. It’s hard to set boundaries like this because there’s virtually no way to come out the other side without looking like the bad guy. I think we need to get better at saying no or demanding a compromise from the outset - especially if there are witnesses.

She's a user, and has no qualms using you. Remember that and be firm. Some people are so selfish in making their life easier without a thought to others.

I had a cheeky fucker who had allotment next to me, got chatting and one day invited me for a cuppa at her place, almost the minute I got home a text came through asking a favour of popping in twice a day to see to some pets she had when they were on holiday. So I did it and then I barely saw her after, she clearly engineered the chats and invite to her place to have free pet care, which is nuts when you think of it. Wealthy enough you could have hired someone. I was the mug who did it and when she did ask again I was busy.

Be firm and just say this isn't working anymore, if she asks why just close it down, it just isn't working for me the end.

I'd say not. When our youngest started year 7 she made a new friend. This girl came and slept at our house every weekend for about 3 months and we'd never met the parents. They'd just drop her off and go. I kept asking the girl saying we ought to meet her mum and dad but never did. In the end i put a stop to it. Cheeky buggers are everywhere!

@Curlygirl06
Thankyou for sharing that. The other parent very conveniently had the excuse about the dog. You have to just learn from your mistakes.
@Imisscoffee2021
Yes, In my case I think the whole plan was engineered aswell.
To ask about the place details, then to ask for car lifts.
Hopefully, I've learnt my lesson.
To be wary of people acting suspiciously friendly.

Only made that mistake once! What was worse, the second friend's dad had to drive past my road to get to the high school, so not even going out of his way! It didn't make me, or the original other parents who I lift shared with, very popular with our daughters, as they felt sorry for their mutual friend. Her parents favourite child was her older brother, couldn't do enough for him, but that's not my problem. As my mil says, shit on me once, I'm not giving you a second chance to rub it in!

Only made that mistake once! What was worse, the second friend's dad had to drive past my road to get to the high school, so not even going out of his way! It didn't make me, or the original other parents who I lift shared with, very popular with our daughters, as they felt sorry for their mutual friend. Her parents favourite child was her older brother, couldn't do enough for him, but that's not my problem. As my mil says, shit on me once, I'm not giving you a second chance to rub it in!

When my son started school, I was at university. One semester, I had late lectures once a week that meant I couldn't get back to pick him up even from after school club.

So I asked another parent (his friend's mum) if she'd mind picking him up once a week for just one semester. She agreed but asked for £5 a week to do it.

I remember being surprised because I wouldn't have considered asking for money in her shoes but she'd had 15 years more parenting experience than me and this wasn't her first rodeo! 🙃

I paid her the £5 a week for the semester and it was fine. I had no intention of taking advantage of her but by the time I was a lot further down the parenting track, I could see exactly why she'd done it!

It wasn't really that she needed £5 week or that feeding him fish fingers and waffles once week cost £5, she was valuing her time and actually £5 was nothing in terms of that!

I quite admired her for it and took it as a cue that it is always OK to have boundaries in these matters.

Sorry posted twice

@Curlygirl06
😂 your MIL's saying has made me laugh, I'll be using that in the future. Its very true.

@GreyCarpet
Thankyou for sharing that. 😊

She is rude and using you, for goodness sake just say sorry this arrangement isn’t working for me and I won’t be doing it anymore.

Poor girl. Her parents obv didn't give a fuck as to where she spent her week-end. Had that when I grew up as well. A friend of mine always slept over but it was because her parents were batshit crazy and alcoholics so my mum was more than happy to let my friend come to ours as she wouldn't have let me sleep at friend's house anyway.

@LBFseBrom she does live a few roads away, but I do have four children whereas she has just the one.
I am struggling myself with keeping up with everything.
I was happily giving her lifts until I saw, when her husband was picking and dropping off, she never once offered to take my daughter along with them. Even, when I mentioned it to her that we take turns, its like she never heard me. She just said ofcourse, ofcourse.
The more I thought about it, it was like she was making a fool of me.
People like her don't appreciate kindness, they just see it as entitlement.

Plus she wanted to go with me at drop off and sometimes pick up aswell, so unfortunately I'm not a taxi service.
I've said no, so thats the end of it.

In this parent's head, the favour she is doing you when her husband takes their daughter is you not having to pick her up and take her yourself. Rather than relieving you of a journey at all.

She might be a CF or she might just not have thought but the outcome is the same for you so it's fine to say no more.

Did you say it?

I've been stung many times OP so well done you spotting this early and putting a stop to it.
I was asked if I could pick up sons primary school friend on a Friday after school, then back to ours,take them to football,pick them up then drop the boy home.

I said we always go to chippy after football was it ok for her son to get a portion of chips,she said yes.

My husband did the pick up from football after a few months and when the boys were in the chippy this lad asked for a large portion of fish and chips.
Then on way home he said he needed dropped at his grans.

I wonder if he was told to ask for fish and chips to share with his grandmother...

Anyway after that I dropped him home first then went to chippy.

Its very prevalent in primary school, but once you get bitten once or twice you quickly learn.
My children's friends parents were always great but it was randomers that were the issue, or my neighbour, who it turns out was well knosn for it🙄.
Too busy playing tennis! In secondary school I have heard tales of parents not collecting their children and always asking for theirs to be dropped home because they are having a glass🙄.
Again, people get wise to it and tell their children only people who want to share the load.

I agree with the PP who advised to send a short message about the fact that the arrangement is not working for you, However I would not get into any kind of discussion about the hows, whys or werefores of lift sharing. Just that your decision is final. Then block all further communication.

@GreyCarpet
Wonderful way of putting it,adds another perspective. Yes its called selfish behaviour, to only think about yourself because it suits you.
Thankyou for your reply. All the replies have helped me, I'm feeling a lot better today.
Even after saying, "sorry I can't offer any more lifts", I don't know why I was feeling upset.

@whattheflipz
Yes, I've told her no more lifts.

Sounds like she knew she was taking the piss. If she was unaware, she would have apologised for adding to your stress.

@cleanasawhistle
Unfortunately, I feel I didn't spot this soon enough. Like youve mentioned, you do wise up when you realise whats happening. The way people take advantage of you is unbelievable.
Thankyou for sharing your situation.

You will the next time. Until it happens it's not something that crosses your radar. Going forward you will. I would always do a friend a favour, but allow myself to be used? Absolutely not. You spotted it quickly and took action. You can't do anymore. Well done.

@Friendlygingercat
I Knew if I'm going to say no more lifts, I have to be firm so that she doesn't keep asking.
I have made it very clear, I'm not offering any more lifts.
It is sad though, we could have taken it in turns to drop off and pick up.
She wouldn't even consider that. How can someone not understand that when I said to her, lets take it in turns. I did add if you won't take in turns then I can't offer any more lifts.
Her loss.