AIBU to stop giving lifts to a school mum and daughter

[Rosesandthorns66]

Hi,
First time poster but long time reader.
Just wanted some perspective on an issue that is playing on my mind more than it should. The entitlement of this parent has upset me.
A school mum that had mostly ignored me in the past came up to me asking if I can give her the details of the activity my 10 year old daughter goes to, so that she can send her daughter. Both girls are in the same class.

I gave her the details, she arranged to join the activity, which is twice a week.
Then she asked me if she can get a lift on the days her husband was at work. Being put on the spot I said ok. She would go with me and then I would drop her back home. Even picking the girls she would say I'll go with you.
I am a single parent with 4 children, I have a lot of responsibilities of my own.
I have no ex- husband helping out and both my parents have passed away.
I also realised when this woman's husband was off work and taking his daughter himself, the woman made no offer to take my daughter with them.
I did ask this woman if we can take it in turns to drop the girls off and I'll do drop offs and pick ups, when her husband is at work.
She replied, ofcourse, ofcourse.
Then didn't offer to take my daughter on the next occasion.
Then she messages me saying, her husband has been asked to work for the next 4 weeks and if I can drop her daughter off because I go there anyway.
She said, it would be inconvenient for her to get there on the bus.
Its obvious she has no intention of taking my daughter, when her husband is going to drop off their daughter.
Thankyou all for reading, I feel upset, for being put in this position.
I feel guilty but also I feel I'm being used.
Would you feel guilty for saying no?
Am I in the wrong if I said No, this doesn't work for me.
Votes would be no I'm not being unreasonable to stop giving lifts.
Yes if I'm being mean for not helping out.

OP, she is some cheeky fxxker. My neighbour was the same, attempted to argue the point when I said I would no longer be daily lifts for her child. I stopped replying once I said No it doesn't suit. It was the start of the new school year and I was done with her cheeky fxxkery.

This woman knew you meant it to be an exchange of lifts but thought she could use you and you would tolerate it.

She was wrong.
It is upsetting when cheeky fxxkers get in your space and you have to firmly push back.

You handled it really well and should be so proud of yourself.

Next time you won't be caught out.,

Just tell her you can't do it. No explanation needed.

Cheeky fuckers like this pray on decent people. Text her and say I won’t be able to take your daughter anymore as it isn’t convenient. Leave it there, don’t reply any further and don’t get into a conversation at the school. If she persists, stick with ‘it’s not convenient for me anymore so no I won’t be taking your daughter’ and walk off.

You don’t need to feel guilty, you need to put yourself and your children first. You don’t need extra stuff to do created by cheeky fuckers who don’t have any respect. Nothing for you to feel bad about.

@karinahh and @Zerosleep .

Thankyou for your kind replies.

@Bluedenimdoglover
Thankyou.
Thankyou for everyones support. It has been very helpful. 😊👍

What a CF! I don’t miss these school mums at all. Things like this need to be nipped in the bud pronto without mincing your words. I’m glad you’ve got it sorted. I remember learning this far too late because I hated saying no. Too much of a people pleaser. But the moment I started doing it, it was like a weight had been lifted off, and it became widely known that I would not be a pushover. Honestly, the brazenness of people like this is astounding. She knows you have to parent four kids with no help whatsoever, and not only is she happy to look past that, she’s completely unwilling to reciprocate. Shame, really. If she’d been a better friend, she could have called on you for help in difficult times, but she’s ruined it.

@Lunaticmess
To be honest the mistake I made in the first place was to agree, I should have only agreed to taking turns with giving lifts.

Unfortunately, users don't understand pleasant language, they try a different angle if you explain you can't do something.

I had to add firmly, that I've been taking my daughter to this place for so long, I've never asked anyone for favours and if she couldn't take her daughter, she shouldn't have joined.
I told her to please leave me alone and don't make me feel awkward.

Good luck OP and remember it’s ok to have boundaries that protect you and your kids.

There are some wonderful parents, I have also met.
Unfortunately this woman proved to be the opposite.
Its sad, really as next time because of this situation I might not even helpful about giving details to a genuine person.

Because you become cautious.

You won’t be the first person she’s used or the first to knock her back. She’ll be on to her next victim now.

You’re not wrong, this exact thread is on here already. Like you I thought it was the same thread until I checked the dates. Exact scenario to a T.

Isn't it more likely that there are lots of people facing similar issues?

No that doesn't work for me.

Cheeky cah.

Especially given that this isn't in a context of an existing friendship, nothing wrong with saying: I felt pressured to be helpful initially, but this has become something not only completely one-sided, but increasingly inconvenient.

I am so glad you got this sorted.
I was the one requesting a weekly lift once but let me explain. I frequently had her children, including a newborn baby, did sewing, cooking and was a big listener at the drop of a hat.
She signed her daughter up for a class that my daughter would have loved and I asked her to take mine too. She said NO, WAIT FOR IT, just in case the posh Mum might need a lift for HER daughter.
I wound back that friendship very quickly and she still does not know what did wrong (according to mutual friends)
Sorry to hi-jack!

This. Perfect rebuttal already planned!

You sound like a very kind person. I don't think you're attracting these people, it's that the world has a lot of CF's who want something for nothing.

OP, and any readers who like to please and do favours - it’s is okay and fine to disappoint people. It’s okay for people to feel cross at you or not to like you.

When I was little, we did a lift share to school with the neighbours. Except it wasn't a lift share, as my mum couldn't- and still doesn't- drive.
So on the other mum's days, we would get a lift in her car. On my mum's days, we would all walk.
It's not about how you get there, or the convenience for the other mum. It's about on one of the days, you not having to leave the house knowing that someone is taking and collecting your child for you.

OP- try not to think about why you "attract" people like this. It's not just you, we all have cheeky fuckers testing us at times. The difference is, you clearly feel an obligation to be kind and generous to people which is a lovely thing.

The downside of that is that you will sometimes get users trying it on and taking advantage. The people who dont go out of their way to be kind also get users try it on but they simply say nope at the beginning and then forget completely about them so its honestly not just you who is attracting them, but its you who is thinking and worrying about them more, which is the key distinction.

Well done for standing up and protecting your boundaries!

Hope you got some rest @Rosesandthorns66
This person should have thought about transport when she thought about the activity.
Your children aren’t even friends.
You are single parenting four kids. She has a husband and one child and suddenly you became the Family Uber For No Fee.
Don’t feel bad. You are a decent, genuine person.
She isn’t.
It’s easy to become too cautious, but it doesn’t hurt to become cautious. Now you’ve seen these red flags, you will start too root out the users, leaving room for genuine people.
She clearly didn’t give a toss that you are balancing four kids and your own life. She’d have had you riding your child and hers there on donkey if she could get away with it.
You are worth so, so, so much more.
I can remember someone befriending me once through my work. She was always asking me questions and was very inquisitive.
I had some time off for an operation and she emailed my boss (who was a stranger) with a proposal to take over my job and why she would be so much better than it.
My boss laughed in her face, and told me straight away. This friend knew I was also caring for a dying parent at the time and my job was my lifeline.

@vladimirVsvolodymr
Can you post the title or the link please, of the other thread that is exactly like mine.
Before starting my thread, I did try reading similar threads to see what others in my situation would do or what posters would advise them of, but I didn't find a similar one.
Only managed to see threads on the topic of workplace lifts.

I don’t have the time to do that. I was only responding to the other poster’s observation as I had the same thoughts as her that it is an old thread only to see the date as May 17.

I know it's sometimes hard but you need to be clear and firm: "I'm disappointed that your husband didn't take my daughter, as we had arranged. I have been taking you and your daughter, even though I'm a single parent of 4 kids. The arrangement needs to to be fair if it is going to continue."