AIBU to stop giving lifts to a school mum and daughter

[Rosesandthorns66]

Hi,
First time poster but long time reader.
Just wanted some perspective on an issue that is playing on my mind more than it should. The entitlement of this parent has upset me.
A school mum that had mostly ignored me in the past came up to me asking if I can give her the details of the activity my 10 year old daughter goes to, so that she can send her daughter. Both girls are in the same class.

I gave her the details, she arranged to join the activity, which is twice a week.
Then she asked me if she can get a lift on the days her husband was at work. Being put on the spot I said ok. She would go with me and then I would drop her back home. Even picking the girls she would say I'll go with you.
I am a single parent with 4 children, I have a lot of responsibilities of my own.
I have no ex- husband helping out and both my parents have passed away.
I also realised when this woman's husband was off work and taking his daughter himself, the woman made no offer to take my daughter with them.
I did ask this woman if we can take it in turns to drop the girls off and I'll do drop offs and pick ups, when her husband is at work.
She replied, ofcourse, ofcourse.
Then didn't offer to take my daughter on the next occasion.
Then she messages me saying, her husband has been asked to work for the next 4 weeks and if I can drop her daughter off because I go there anyway.
She said, it would be inconvenient for her to get there on the bus.
Its obvious she has no intention of taking my daughter, when her husband is going to drop off their daughter.
Thankyou all for reading, I feel upset, for being put in this position.
I feel guilty but also I feel I'm being used.
Would you feel guilty for saying no?
Am I in the wrong if I said No, this doesn't work for me.
Votes would be no I'm not being unreasonable to stop giving lifts.
Yes if I'm being mean for not helping out.

@Rosesandthorns66 "That doesn't work for me."

She does seem to be taking the proverbial but do you have to go out of yiour way to ferry the child to and fro or does she live very near. I think if she is close by it won't hurt you. It doesn't cost you any more. Think of it as helping the child, not the parent. Obviously if you have to drive further to accommodate and everything takes longer, that is different.

Don't be overly matey with the mum in other situations. I don't get people taking advantage but there again, you don't know all her circumstances.

Did you read the OPs posts? The CFs husband drives her daughter there sometimes AND NEVER TAKES OPS DD. Yet OP is supposed to be designated taxi to this woman and her dd whom neither are friends of OPs or her DDs.

I'd just send her the details of a local driving instructor. You've been kind enough so don't let her take the piss any more.

Good move being firm with her OP, you owe her nothing has she replied?

The OP has her 4 children to worry about...it is not her responsibility to help someone else's child who already has 2 parents of their own.

The OP may well get some push back from this woman so should prepare for this & avoid getting into any back and forth with her. She had the chance to be respectful & reciprocal and she blew it - but is probably hard nosed enough to try to argue & put pressure on the OP. 'This doesn't work for me any more sorry' is all that it is needed to shut it down.

Once she knows there are no more favours coming from the OP she will probably move onto someone else. The fact though that she asked the OP in the first place - despite her not being a friend - suggests that she has already broken a lot of bridges and may be running out of people to mug off.

Call her out on it - I'd say when you have the opportunity to take my DD you don't but when you need me yo take your DD you expect me to do it, so No I won't be taking your DD until I'll have to make your own way.

CFrs.

Have you had any reply?

This.

Absolutely do this !!

And don't feel guilty, she will soon get the message.
You're not losing anything, it's not like she will be a good friend to you

Just seen you have said no

Well done OP

Can't believe she was trying to get you to do at least one of the lifts, as everyone else has said She's an absolute user

It probably will feel very uncomfortable so be prepared for that but a really firm "I am not able to help out with lifts any more but hope you find another solution - all the best". You will get push back from her but you will feel so much better in yourself.

I'd tell her directly that if you are giving lifts you either expect it to be a reciprocal arrangement or she has to contribute to cost of fuel.

You’ve got enough to deal with without being used like this.
No I can’t do this. Don’t give reasons, she’ll try and argue with you . Look after yourself and your family.

@Booboobagins
Yes I wanted to say this to her but it seemed confrontational. I should have though.
I made it clear to her to take turns, I said I'll give her a lift if her husband is at work but then when he's not working they take my daughter on the other occasions.
Considering she needed me to take her daughter for the next 4 weeks my offer was in her favour.
However, its like she didn't want to reciprocate.
When I picked my daughter and the woman and her husband were picking their daughter, it felt really disrespectful that she was turning to me for favours but couldn't offer to pick up my daughter.

Its on the two occasions, when my older daughter got ill and I had to take to hospital at 6.00am and returned at 1.00pm, that I thought theres me struggling on my own and I'm letting this woman take advantage of me.
The other occasion that finally made me decide no more lifts, was when my two older children got into a physical argument and I had to call my neighbour to give them a stern telling off that I realised, I'm stressed out, I can't take on this woman's responsibility. This happened after school on the occasion when I was meant to take my daughter to the activity, so my daughter was half an hour late.

I've said no, theres no going back now.

My dc friend joined the same activity so I offered to pick up from school, give tea and take to the activity. Its no bother to me as I am already doing those things. I was delighted when the friends parents said they would do the pick up and drop my dc home. It is much appreciated and I don’t expect it at all. A reciprocal arrangement means everyone is happy. Yours is very one sided 😞 I hope the mum learns from this

To the lovely people asking, has she replied.
Yes she just replied with.
"Okay thankyou"

This thread has given me the courage to realise, I shouldn't be worried about saying no. She is the one who is the user.
Thankyou everyone for your replies.

@Pennydroppedtodaysniff unfortunately that has been the case with me for the past two weeks, but I'm finally much better now. I think, just telling her I'm not able to offer anymore lifts, also has helped because its not a nice feeling when you are being used.

Thankyou to everyone, who has replied with their kind comforting words. It has been really appreciated. Mostly its been very helful.

@Shinyandnew1
She replied "okay thankyou "

Almost perfect response. Take out the bit about sharing lifts. Just say “taking your daughter is no longer convenient for me. I hope you find an alternative mug,idiot,soft touch, lift” Delete as required.
”

I wouldn't say that. Of course she'll agree at first,then when it comes to her turn,she'll be full of excuses. I know this type 🙄

@Flowerlovinglady
Absolutely, I do feel much better for saying no.
Then you start feeling uncomfortable about the next time you see her.
Hopefully that will pass.
The feeling of being used is worse so I had no choice but nip it in the bud.

@IsawwhatIsaw
Thankyou for your reply, yes I need to look after my own children.

@ForEdgyHare
It makes a whole lot of difference when the kindness is returned.

make up some relation who you have to visit before or after the club so sorry you cant do lifts anymore ,cheeky mare