AIBU to stop giving lifts to a school mum and daughter

[Rosesandthorns66]

Hi,
First time poster but long time reader.
Just wanted some perspective on an issue that is playing on my mind more than it should. The entitlement of this parent has upset me.
A school mum that had mostly ignored me in the past came up to me asking if I can give her the details of the activity my 10 year old daughter goes to, so that she can send her daughter. Both girls are in the same class.

I gave her the details, she arranged to join the activity, which is twice a week.
Then she asked me if she can get a lift on the days her husband was at work. Being put on the spot I said ok. She would go with me and then I would drop her back home. Even picking the girls she would say I'll go with you.
I am a single parent with 4 children, I have a lot of responsibilities of my own.
I have no ex- husband helping out and both my parents have passed away.
I also realised when this woman's husband was off work and taking his daughter himself, the woman made no offer to take my daughter with them.
I did ask this woman if we can take it in turns to drop the girls off and I'll do drop offs and pick ups, when her husband is at work.
She replied, ofcourse, ofcourse.
Then didn't offer to take my daughter on the next occasion.
Then she messages me saying, her husband has been asked to work for the next 4 weeks and if I can drop her daughter off because I go there anyway.
She said, it would be inconvenient for her to get there on the bus.
Its obvious she has no intention of taking my daughter, when her husband is going to drop off their daughter.
Thankyou all for reading, I feel upset, for being put in this position.
I feel guilty but also I feel I'm being used.
Would you feel guilty for saying no?
Am I in the wrong if I said No, this doesn't work for me.
Votes would be no I'm not being unreasonable to stop giving lifts.
Yes if I'm being mean for not helping out.

Is she really so dense that she doesn’t see that it is in everyone’s interest to share so you each do one day a week? Is it worth messaging the husband or mentioning next time he drops off at the activity?

I can’t believe the cheek of some people! As you aren’t friends with her and your daughter isn’t friends with her daughter it won’t cause any lasting damage to tell her to get lost.

I know if I agreed to do the next 4 weeks for her because of her husbands work situation, theres no way, she would have returned the favour.
Its obvious because not once did she offer to take my daughter, when her husband dropped their own daughter off.
That was my wake up call, realizing the cheek of this woman.

Why do I attract these kind of people, who make a fool of me?
I've messaged her saying I won't be doing any more lifts.
She will probably think I'm being mean.

HoldMyWine...very well put. Yes, there definitely will be no lasting damage.

We had this; ‘ah well you’re going anyway’. Yes I am, yet as you’ve put your kid in my car with a plate of unfinished dinner to eat en route, and never once reciprocated, I’ll be going there from and to errands/ appointments in future.
No kickback, as they KNOW they’re taking the absolute mick.

Just say, no sorry doesn’t work for me, hope you find a solution x
if she replies, just either ignore or block.
Not your problem.

@Rosesandthorns66 She's def a CF. I don't drive and my DS2 goes to the same activity as a friend of his once a week. His parents both drive and both mil are retired and can fetch as well. So they obv don't need any help. I asked her if it's possible to take turns when my dh is here to fetch the boys alternatively. So even if it's not 1-1 since my dh is on work trips sometimes it's def 50/50, a little bit more us in the long run because I'm counting def not wanting to take advantage.

The mum should feel ashamed of herself- please put a stop to this.

Woman up!

Tell her the current arrangement isn't working and suggest a fairer split of lift shares. If she doesn't agree just say you'll take your DD yourself and she can make her own arrangements

Thankyou everyone for all your kind replies. @TheBlueKoala your approach is very fair.
I feel so upset about being used, because when she said her husband is home and will pick up their daughter. She never said, we will pick your daughter aswell.
Even when I mentioned taking turns, she never offered.
I feel angry with myself for agreeing in the first place.
I don't know how she had the cheek to leave a message saying if I can take her daughter for the next 4 weeks. She must think she's special.
I just need to offload here because I'm feeling very upset. Hopefully in a few days I'll start feeling better again and put all this behind me.

AnnaQuayRules...yes I have messaged her told her no more lifts.
I've already asked her for lift shares and when her husband has been able to pick up their daughter, she hasn't offered to take my daughter or pick my daughter up.
Her husband won't be available for the next 4 weeks so I'm not offering lifts in the hope that they will reciprocating.
I'm already upset for being made a fool of.
Hopefully I've learnt my lesson.

OP, please try not to upset yourself further and be angry at yourself. Many of us have gotten caught by someone before we toughened up. Users are everywhere during the primary years. I got caught once by a neighbour but never again. You have learnt from this, like we all have.

That's so unfair not taking your DD to repay the favour. I would put this back on her, say I thought we agreed we would take it in turns? It would be a huge favour for me for you to leep to your word as I have. Make it honest with a touch of very uncomfortable. Xxx

So you say ‘ok but I’ll need you to take my DD the next two times and then we can take turns’. Get a definite commitment from her. If she won’t commit then say it’s not working for you. You don’t owe her a why or anything.
Whenever I’ve had a similar arrangement it’s always been they take I collect and next time we switch.

Just say that you don’t want to get into lift sharing, it’s too tying. No one can argue with that, and if she tries, you can point out that it must be tying and inconvenient for her or she would have been able to reciprocate before now.

She’s a user, school has opened my eyes to just how many of them are about - first to moan, last to actually help.

I have learnt the hard way that some people just need a hard “No I can’t”

Every single reply has given me comfort and thankyou for all your kind words. Xxx

@Rosesandthorns66she is very likely going to come back with “oh, DD is going to be so devastated yada yada” so have your response ready to fire back immediately, so you don’t have time to dwell on her message.
Something along the lines of “It’s really tricky balancing their after school stuff
and the logistics isn’t it? . I can’t remember how many times I’ve had to refuse my DD because I couldn’t take her”. Then Send.

Oh OP, I’ve been in this position before too and felt so angry just like you. I wish, looking back, that I had woken up to it sooner and cut off the endless favours! Well done for messaging her

I got trapped into this sort of dynamic on two occasions and then learned to say a hard no. Invaluable lesson, and I wouldn't have learned it unless I went through the rage, resentment, and discomfort you're feeling now.

I learned a phrase which has served me well: takers are always going to take, so givers need to learn boundaries.

Whilst you feel cross with yourself at the moment, think of this as a great free learning!

@Rosesandthorns66 you wrote;
"I'm already upset for being made a fool of."

You know what? I would a million times prefer to be you than her. You reap what you sow in the long run. Who wants to be friends with a cheeky user?
We have all been taken advantaged of at times- see it as a learning lesson in putting out boundaries and clear expectations for next time. Hopefully you won't need it because I do think that most people are decent or atleast try to be 😅. But now you're ready to handle the next CF🤺. We live and we learn 💗

Well done…what did you say?

Has she replied?

Why are so many people riddled with guilt for not allowing themselves to be treated as doormats!!

I would say 'favours' work best when they are reciprocated. As this hasn't been the case here, the situation no longer suits you. Who cares if she is upset/annoyed. She has 'user' stamped on her forehead. Don't have 'mug' stamped on yours.

I've already asked her for lift shares and when her husband has been able to pick up their daughter, she hasn't offered to take my daughter or pick my daughter up.

You also didn't offer on your own accord, she asked and she did agree when you asked, except that didn't follow through. I have a friend who is happy to do all kinds of favours, but terribly ditzy and any kinds of semi-concrete plans like 'share next time' just get forgotten. What if you ask her directly if she can take your DD on X date (the date you know husband is available). If she refuses, then absolutely a CF user.

@Shinyandnew1 I replied back and said "I'm very sorry and I can no longer offer any more lifts because I have my own hands full with my own children. I told you about the place but please don't make me feel awkward about giving you lifts," I also added if she had no means of getting there and coming back, she shouldn't have joined the activity.
I'm not sure if she will try her luck and ask again or make other arrangements.
Thanks to everyone here, I will have reply ready.
Thankyou everyone for your replies, I do feel more calm now.

Don’t beat yourself up. You were caught on the spot and was trying to be helpful, but she’s manipulated the situation and has abused your generosity.

As you said, if she can’t get her children to the activity, she shouldn’t have joined.