AIBU to stop giving lifts to a school mum and daughter

[Rosesandthorns66]

Hi,
First time poster but long time reader.
Just wanted some perspective on an issue that is playing on my mind more than it should. The entitlement of this parent has upset me.
A school mum that had mostly ignored me in the past came up to me asking if I can give her the details of the activity my 10 year old daughter goes to, so that she can send her daughter. Both girls are in the same class.

I gave her the details, she arranged to join the activity, which is twice a week.
Then she asked me if she can get a lift on the days her husband was at work. Being put on the spot I said ok. She would go with me and then I would drop her back home. Even picking the girls she would say I'll go with you.
I am a single parent with 4 children, I have a lot of responsibilities of my own.
I have no ex- husband helping out and both my parents have passed away.
I also realised when this woman's husband was off work and taking his daughter himself, the woman made no offer to take my daughter with them.
I did ask this woman if we can take it in turns to drop the girls off and I'll do drop offs and pick ups, when her husband is at work.
She replied, ofcourse, ofcourse.
Then didn't offer to take my daughter on the next occasion.
Then she messages me saying, her husband has been asked to work for the next 4 weeks and if I can drop her daughter off because I go there anyway.
She said, it would be inconvenient for her to get there on the bus.
Its obvious she has no intention of taking my daughter, when her husband is going to drop off their daughter.
Thankyou all for reading, I feel upset, for being put in this position.
I feel guilty but also I feel I'm being used.
Would you feel guilty for saying no?
Am I in the wrong if I said No, this doesn't work for me.
Votes would be no I'm not being unreasonable to stop giving lifts.
Yes if I'm being mean for not helping out.

As someone who can't drive (yet! I'm learning!) I still agree with you OP. On the one hand, yeah you're going anyway so you could take the other kid with no massive inconvenience, but the other mother should be trying to find some way to even things out a bit. Offering a playdate or suggesting an activity that is closer that she could take the girls to.
When my friends suggest a trip to the zoo or somewhere else far flung, I do have to ask for lift or decline, because it is 45 mins in the car Vs 2.5hours on public transport with my 3yo. But I buy coffees and snacks, and I try to suggest a local alternative for the next trip so that I can get us there.
It's just a bit of give and take and trying to show that we're all in it together, isn't it? Things don't have to be perfectly equal, but we all want to feel valued and like we add value.

Thankyou so much to everyone who replied, your messages and words of kindness have been appreciated. I have felt comfort in reading all of your messages.

Good for you. What a CF.
in future have a set list of replies that cover all sorts of situations for when you’re put on the spot .

Are you free on the 4th?
I might have something on, why what were you thinking of?
Then decide if it suits you or not.

My dd is joining the same club as yours, we can travel together.
Ive got my other kids with me so It might be tricky, but if you would like to share the trips then I’m sure we can work something out.
Again, gives you the option to do what suits you.

Too many CF’s out there. You really need to stand up for yourself op.

This
just say
I’m really sorry but I’m on my own with 4 kids and I’m having to juggle everything anyway and so I prefer to just make my own arrangements then If im late or can’t make it I’m not letting anyone else down in the process.

not that you should have to explain yourself

I had this with a mum and my older son when he went to beavers we were meant to alternate the weeks and it was always me picking the boys up from school and giving them tea and then taking them to beavers and then she’d come to collect after but never offered once to bring my son home after so I waited for her to message me one week and Said sorry can’t this week we have the dentists straight after school then the following week I saw her on the school run and she asked me and I said to her

I think it’s your turn now and she said “I’ll message you later”

Guess what? she never messaged me and then that half term a week later, her son stopped going!!!!!!! After I withdrew my free childcare service! Funny that!

@Kizmet1
At the start I was very happy to take the woman's daughter but it was all take from her side because when her husband wasn't at work, he and the woman would drop off their daughter and she made no offer of taking my daughter.
Then she mentioned me dropping off her daughter for the next 4 weeks and I was really annoyed about her entitled behaviour.
I just knew I had to get out of this situation because this woman didn't deserve any favours.
I'm no ones taxi and won't be used like that.
I'm already tired from the responsibility of looking after my own children. So if I feel that I'm being used my anxiety just hits the roof.

@Besidemyselfwithworry
Yes your situation and mine are exactly the same.

@Rosesandthorns66 well done, OP. I’m glad you saw through her cheeky fuckery and nipped it in the bud 👏👏👏 I hope she’s 😡

🤣🤣🤣

There's too many people out there who completely take advantage of good nature. Glad you said no, full stop! If she's not willing to share the lifts for the children then she gets none.

Im an awful people pleaser it wild have taken a long time of me being used to actually say something so fair play for sending the message.

I know its easy to feel guilty and shitty about these things but try to remember that you didn't cause this situation, they did. They made this uncomfortable with their unreasonable requests and selfish nature. While you are beating yourself up over this they will have moved on to the next person they can use of. Thats what these people do. Think of the freedom you have now and stand your ground.

I hear you.
I have been caught twice (thought I had learned my lesson the first time)

I am single mum too and I wanted to help but was also taken for a mug. Never again.

Don't worry if backlash. You are nearly through with primary school.

Hold firm

@Walkerzoo
Does this only happen in primary school?
Am I safe from entitled people after that?

Surely she should say 'you would do the next 4 weeks' and then I pick up? Not vice versa

I think the other woman’s husband is unavailable to do lifts for the next 4 weeks.

I'm just amazed to be honest that you're doing this as a single parent of four children.... nevermind taking her daughter along too!!

This is a situation where no really is a complete sentence.

She doesn't feel bad that she has put you in this position, you are feeling bad as you are a lovely person.

Just repeat no, no and no again, no explanation, it never works for these sort of people as they use ot to find a 'workaround' for you- it no longer works for you, and you hope she find an alternative plan that works for her.

People like this are so well practised she will very soon move onto someone else.

You are being so, so reasonable here.

The only thing is if your kid enjoys going with her, and spending time together. Otherwise no to the CF.

Not necessarily! My eldest shared an activity with a friend 11-14. But - the difference is that we shared the lifts with the other parents. The other dad took them and DH brought them home.

This never works when the other parent is cheeky.

People see nice decent folk and take advantage of that sometimes which is a shame as when these arrangements are equal it can be really nice for the kids and does help but NOT if it’s all one-sided.
I learnt after this and I’m quite cautious now.

@Feis123
When I have mentioned taking turns before, she made no gesture. Her husband did take their own daughter at least 1 day of the week during the past few weeks. While I made my own way there, he went picked his own daughter.
Then she sends me messages asking for help.
I will try my very best not to get fooled again.

Pretty much safe yes, as once they are at secondary school you rarely ever see other parents. Bliss.

@Pistachiocake
Her daughter is not even friends with my daughter.

She's a cf.

I'd have just said 'no, that's not going to work for me. Hope you manage to get something sorted out'. But I realise it can be difficult to say no when you're put on the spot. In the future maybe just ask for someone's number and say, 'leave it with me and I'll get back to you.' That way it gives you time and space to decide if it's something you're willing to do or not. It's easy to text no, then block.

I would text something like this “I will no longer be driving your child to x hobby. You will have to sort alternate transport or put some effort in yourself.”

Thankyou everyone for your replies, definitely has been a therapeutic experience today.
I feel a lot more calm. It appears there are people out there who will take advantage of you but you have to be wise enough to realise that and not let it happen.
Writing everything down and reading your replies has made me realise I'm not in the wrong, so I have nothing to worry about.
I should be glad that I didn't let her take advantage of me.
Thankyou for everyone.

I think your response was great, OP. Polite and assertive, it will shut her down.

Do update us if she responds!

@Rosesandthorns66 id feel the same as you, the idea of being used would give me sleepless nights. Get rid.