To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

There is a weird “my way or the highway” attitude about the way he’s worded this that would make not want to be in a relationship with him anyway - especially considering the timing that he thinks you’re invested and wouldn’t want to “throw it all away” now.

Gross. And I struggle to believe he’s had a list of exes that were totally into this tbh.

Kinks are very divisive and a lot of people are very scared about telling theirs until they are VERY comfortable because they've experienced harsh judgement, men especially get a very bad reaction on the whole being labeled as creeps or perverts. He's gotten to a point where he feels he can be vulnerable with you.

If a woman is into slap and tickle it's genuinely more accepted than if a man is into that exact same kink.

I've been in the BDSM scene since the early 2000's so I'm very comfortable saying what I'm into pretty fast but I also used to use it as a way of vetting people. It still took my husband 6 months to express his kinks.

I would digest it and ask yourself these questions: Does this change who he is? Is it a deal breaker? Has it changed the way you feel about him? if the answer is yes than this may not be the relationship for you.

What do you mean by open minded?
I'm open minded enough to not be shocked by people's sexual preferences or kinks, but I would rather be aware of stuff like that earlier on before feelings became more complicated.
Knowing what I like and what I don't like isn't being closed minded.

He might graciously decide to go without it, but from the manipulative way he's approached it, he is never going to stop pestering about it. Why don't we just try it once, if you loved me you would try it, calling you not open minded, sulking. He's already hit you with the exes liking it, so it must be a you problem.

I hope he at least waited until all the acts had finished to drop this on you.

I wouldnt want to be with someone who wanted me to peg them. I don't think there's anything wrong with it either, but I don't want to do it.

thats the thing ive had similar but with peoples various drives so to speak, but these days its not something you shout about on the first date so to speak

Eight months of wasting someone's time?! Are you serious?
It should be declared as soon as it seems that a relationship is developing whether that's first or fifth date, but obviously not months in!

It doesn't matter what the things are though. Any kink should be declared before they get too serious.

" if the answer is yes than this may not be the relationship for you."

Yes, but now she's wasted 8 months. He should have told her earlier!

God I think they should be upfront with them from the get go. Waiting till you’re invested is manipulative. Like meeting your parents & going through relationship milestones like that. Sorry OP this would be a deal breaker for me. I unknowingly met someone who could only ultimately enjoy themselves unless they/we did their kink & it was rejecting & isolating to realise it’s not really you they’re into but some objectified fetishised aspect of you doing something or a body part. That you don’t share their enjoyment of it means it feels horribly one sided & rejecting. When you see how different they are when they engage in said kink ir also undermines what kind of time you try to enjoy intimately together outside of it. Ofc you use the notion that if you love someone you’d want to make them happy blah blah bollocks & try that but it feels inauthentic bcos they require some degree of investment from you to even do it & if it does nothing for you, or give you any pleasure seeing them in pleasure etc & it’s really quite weird (aka grim) you soon realise you’re not a match. That was my experience anyway!

I disagree. If you have a sexual kink that you'd struggle to live without, I think it's incumbent upon you to tell a potential partner about it before you have sex with them for the first time. They can then decide whether it's something they could ever accommodate or not and if they can't, you can amicably part ways, with no damage done. Waiting until the relationship is established in the hope that the feelings that have developed will be enough to persuade someone to rethink their boundaries is plain wrong and very unkind. Dump him now OP and don't look back!

The word you want isn't conundrum - maybe quandary? My sympathies.

Surely if it's not the OP's bag then he's not fucked; which is exactly the problem from his perspective.

He replied - a really long, almost gushing message. How he has never felt like this before about someone, how much he enjoyed meeting my parents and how he can picture asking my DF for his blessing to propose to me in the future. He said that because we’ve got something special then he can absolutely forgo his kink in our relationship and he has managed absolutely fine without it so far.

Then, a few minutes later, he sent me another message. In this, he asked me if I’d have any issue if he was to see a ‘mistress’ to indulge this from time to time. He said this is strictly non sexual, they are fully clothed, no touching and means absolutely nothing beyond fulfilling the kink. He sent me screenshots from this woman’s website where there’s FAQ’s, which outline what he said above. He said his longest term ex (3 years) had no issue with this at all.

I really do fucking despair at this point. I would have given him a chance after the first message I think. But not now. I feel degraded 😷

Oh blimey. Realistically this guy is not for you.

How is sexual kink 'strictly nothing sexual'?

God he's a perv. Sorry he strung you along for so long.

Glad he sent the second message and made it really easy to tell him to fuck off.

I'm not sure this guy is for anyone - not just the kink but the emotional game playing/ gass lighting. He doesn't even seem to be very good at it - surely the love bombing should have gone on for weeks before switching to dropping the bombshell demand she condone him using a paid mistress...

Even the first message is a massive red flag.

Fucking leg it hen. Block and move on. There are normal ones out there I promise.

asking my DF for his blessing to propose to me in the future.

That misogynistic, patriarchal bs would be the end for me. I don't belong to anyone and him playing to that antiquated ownership, 🤮. What a turnoff.

He's sure rushing things. And that message about having a peg mistress, 🤡. I am sorry you've had a bad run. I think you're going to have to really communicate very openly about sex early on, including whether kink is ok for you or not.

He’s wasted your time, tried to trick you by meeting the parents etc
But at least you know now

just bin him nothing to be saved here

And I don’t like they way he’s saying ex had no problem with it
well if she was so fine and dandy he’d still be with her wouldn’t he
get more manipulation
yuk

he asked me if I’d have any issue if he was to see a ‘mistress’ to indulge this from time to time.

Bless 🤣

When your parents ask why you broke up, please tell them, just to see the look of horror on their faces. It will reassure you that you've done the right thing.