To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

Liking anal doesnt make someone gay 🙄

Why is the ball in his court? Leave him if you don’t want to spend your life avoiding him when he’s getting horny for a pegging! Which I’m guessing is going to be a lot more than a once a year, on his birthday, event.

I think if its an i kinda like X then its understandable they might wait but if its i cant enjoy intimacy without Y. Y is dealbreaker you absolutely need need to know as soon as possible

I think I saw the phrase 'women may have kinks but men have fetishes' on here. The difference is exactly what you said- a fetish is something someone would 'struggle to go without'- even with all the variety of possible sexual activity, men with fetishes get fixated on one thing which usually needs to become more extreme to get the same 'hit'. Women might have a variety of things they like but are generally happy if it overlaps to some extent with a partner- no one thing is a deal breaker.

I’ve certainly seen threads on here where women are debating whether they can face staying in a relationship where they never get oral sex.

Oh I am very upfront about this just in the chatting stage either right at the beginning or after 1 or 2 dates, due to having a similar scenario the OP is now in years ago. I dont make it a big deal I just bring it up casually. I know what I can live with and what would give me the ick.

The only time I could possibly ever cross my own boundaries is if Chris Hemsworth told me he was a cross dresser.

I suppose that's true but I wouldn't consider that either a kink or a fetish, it'd be a dealbreaker in the same way no piv sex might be for someone. Its not something you need to do a big reveal about liking months into the relationship!

I agree OP.

In your current situation, I'd get rid of him. He will always go on about it, and if you agree to keep seeing him now, he will use that against you - "but you said you didn't mind/agreed to it when I told you upfront". Just get rid.

I think people are much, much less confident talking about sec and intimacy than you'd think.

I completely agree with you that if it's something that's that important to you and you know it might not be something everyone would be into then you need to find a way to respectfully bring it up.

But then you never really know with someone. My ex told me he'd had an sti test since his last sexual relationship- a lie, told me he'd only ever been with women -a lie, and that he rarely ever watched porn - a lie that actually ended the relationship eventually as he was into very extreme stuff. I was having the conversation in good faith and really wouldn't have cared if he'd told me he was bi and hadn't had an sti test done but i would have insisted he did one before we had sex. Lesson learnt not to take someone's word on it. He'd seemed fine with the conversation at the time but now I know he was lying through it to give me the answers he assumed I'd want to have.

It's hard for sure to know the 'right' timing when you're dating someone new but you need to be prepared to put yourself out there a bit.

Being "open minded" I think is really unhelpful language when it comes to intimacy. Awareness of your range of preferences and your personal boundaries is probably a better way to talk about that because open minded suggests something negative if someone isn't into a certain thing and there is no wrong or right with that as long as we're talking consensual intimacy between adults.

Do you ask about fetishes? Next relationship you could bring it up much earlier and see what comes out.

So current guy wants to be done by a strap on? And last guy wanted humiliation … maybe there are more men out there that want this dom experience ?

is it dressing in women’s clothes?

Someone once said "sensation over feeling has become pervasive now". I agree and don't think it's making people any happier or content. The opposite, in fact.

I wouldn't waste my time.

In my experience, kinks are exacerbated by a lot of porn use. Unless he's met you through a site where both are into that kind of thing , then he's likely going to try and get you to do it or have a problem that you won't.

I hold no truck with people who go on about being vanilla or saying it's bigoted to kink shame. Pre internet porn it was not common to have lots of these kinks.

I would throw this one back and with time not on your side if you want kids I would think about a different approach. Don't settle for a guy you're not compatible with because the clock is ticking. Be really up front about what YOU want with your next new relationship and move on if he isn't on your wavelength.

When I read the post initially, I thought the kink was a penchant for Eurovision! Definitely a no-no in my book!

That’s really not true at all. In most cases a kink really is just something people do in bed sometimes.

Pre internet porn it was not common to have lots of these kinks.

LOL. Of course it was. Historical erotica is full of ‘kinks’.

You can't help with wonder sometimes if the real kink is the mechanism of having women submit to doing something they don't overly want to do.

To be honest I would struggle to take any man seriously who was sincerely telling me a specific sex act and the regular provision of it was crucial to us staying together long term, it's manipulative, pathetic and show's some unhealthy perspectives on what a loving relationship consists of. I'm no prude and enjoy a healthy sex life but couldn't enjoy a relationship in those circumstances or with a person minded that way.

He's waited until he thinks you're emotionally invested/hopeful for a future that you just might give it a go rather than give up on the relationship and that too is a huge red flag for me. He's told you what you need to know OP, which is that this is a high importance thing for him - you're not likely to hear the end of it. Remember that he already knows you don't organically want to do it, but still wants you to and dwell on how you feel about a partner like that.

Not saying they didn't exist. I'm saying it wasn't common and internet porn has exacerbated it. "LOL" 🙄

Honestly I don’t think any of those examples are too wild, but we all have different limits and what we are comfortable doing in the bedroom.

They felt comfortable with you, said what they liked and it’s not for you so you just move on.

It’s MN missionary only during ovulation 😂😂

This!

Why wait til after you’ve had sex? He should absolutely have told you first. I’d be furious he didn’t.

The fact he prioritises a sex act over being with you is reason alone to end it, his priorities do not align with yours. So sorry this is awful to have had your time wasted

and one that definitely means you must be gay 🤣

I think we all have boundaries in our sex lives and what one person may be prepared to explore is another person's hard no. None of that is unreasonable until one partner puts pressure on the other.

For me, it would depend on the following

• is it something I would be prepared to explore, providing if I didn't like it that would be the end of it.
• is it something that is going to define our sex life going forward, or would it be an occasional thing
• would he still want to continue the relationship if I said a hard no

If you feel he's just been waiting for the right moment to make himself vulnerable I would have a conversation. But it sounds like you feel manipulated in terms of timing and the kink.

If you want kids and this is something you are not prepared to do, then end it now. If you feel he's being respectful and you could explore it a bit, but he understood that you wouldn't want it to be an integral part of your sex life I'd have a conversation. If you feel he's trying to manipulate you into a lifestyle you don't want I'd end it now.