To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

Quite - first post is latent love bombing and future faking... and then to follow it up with that utter tosh. First message says he can forgo and second message says that he actually can't and I can I actually cheat on you with someone on the side... and reiterating that his ex was cool with it. Bet she wasn't, bet that is why she is an ex.

I am so sorry he's doing this to you, but it is the best gift - imagine being married to someone like this? He needs to get in the bin, now.

Oh Jesus OP!!!!!!!

At least he's come out with it now and not after 5 years of marriage.

Bullet dodged.

He and his bumhole can run off happily into the sunset together, and you get the chance to meet someone nice.

And if you say yes, you'd be fine with him seeing her, what's the betting it would turn out he's already been seeing her behind your back?

At least this is a very easy No thank you, goodbye! (Then block).

The difficult bit is realising he’s not who you hoped he was, but you are at least fortunate he didn't reveal his kink on your wedding night!

This nails it. “Struggle” without his anal. Massive ick. Throw this one back.

He can see her as much as he likes, because it will have nothing to do with you.
The entire man needs to get in the bin.

I had been dating someone for a couple of months when he revealed his kink, and that was the end of that. I think he should have told you much sooner, he’s wasted your time.
Sorry OP, there are nice men out there.

He's let you invest a lot of time and emotional energy before chucking in potentially non-negotiable deal-breaker.
I have a kink (nothing wild, but it is a huge part of my sexual identity) and I have always brought it up before my first sexual experience with a potential partner. It was never an issue, but if they had recoiled or laughed or said that it wasn't for them, then we'd both know we were not going to be compatible long term. Hiding it for 8 months would feel sneaky somehow.

OMG he’s horrible. Is this what the dating pool is like these days?! You can do better than this. No wonder he was available and hadn’t had any takers so far.
No wonder so many lovely women choose to stay single when this is what’s on offer.
You deserve 1000x more than this. He’s grim.

Huge red flag. I’m so sorry. Is it something you could allow sometimes or if you’re honest does it turn you right off?

Yeah well... they'd say that regardless of whether it was true or not. It is very: "But Muuu-uum! All the other kids are doing it!"

How the fuck does he receive anal when fully dressed with no touching?!?!

Sorry WHAT? It’s not sexual even though she’s fucking him in his arse? Simply because she’s wearing clothes?

She could be wearing trackies and it would still be sexual.

I have really heard it all now.

Astral projection?

He’s got to go hasn’t he…..or you could wait for his third message!!!

Jesus the manipulative fucker - you really need to give him both barrels. He’s strung you along & played you. LTB with bells on. So sorry because until this point you saw a future with this person. Don’t let him manipulate you into being ok with this.

Am assuming he likes being whipped or degraded then., dump.

@Laurennnworld Oh my god. Whats wrong with men? Honestly 🤮

Yeeeeaaaah I stand by my earlier post.

Glad he's made it easy for you @Laurennnworld

And to the posters mocking me ...You're just proving my point. If that's what you like then fine, I don't care but I dislike this trying to frame women who don't want kinks as boring/vanilla/missionary only. That is manipulative. I don't think not wanting to peg a man = boring/missionary only. It might not be cool but I'm ok with saying I don't think the prevalence of internet porn has been good for women or society.

Grim. He's already playing games with you over it.

I think that if it was a case of him feeling vulnerable and worrying it might have put you off too soon, and if it doesn’t affect you that much or something you could do that even if it doesn’t excite you would not be particularly invasive or anything eg. Letting him give you a foot massage…. Then ok.

if it’s an absolute deal breaker for him and he would not want to be with someone who wasn’t up for this, and it “affects you” more (for want of a better phrase!) something like anal, then he is being unreasonable. If it’s that central to him and vital in a relationship then he should have said it earlier so as not to waste both your time.

Oh, I gave him the benefit of the doubt until that last message of his 🤦‍♀️. Nice how he had that website already loaded up and ready to go. And pegging is always flipping sexual.

I’ve gone through the same with past ex-s. Time to throw this one back and find someone new. I’m so, so sorry, OP.

Holy shit! I think you know what you need to do

Men 🤦‍♀️

I think people wait until they are comfortable with a person before disclosing. Clearly they are getting it wrong and should disclose sooner

Wow that stepped up a notch fast!

You’ve dodged a bullet. I’d rather not have kids than rush into having them with someone like this because of a fear of the clock ticking!