To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

Disagree. Triangulating OP with his exes who were apparently "fine with it" is manipulative to the extreme.

If he was just being "honest" he would simply say it's something he wants to engage in and wants to share with his partner and not being able to do it is a dealbreaker for him. There was absolutely no need to add in his exes because it's completely irrelevant what his exes liked - the OP isnt his ex, she is her own person. Does he expect OP to do something she doesnt want to do, simply because some woman before her did? its vile

Very manipulative.

Yet they're still exes

I told him when he brought it up that I’d ‘think about it’ but I think he could tell I wasn’t keen. I’ve messaged him to say it’s not for me. So the ball is in his court. If it’s that important to him then he will have to end the relationship he supposedly cares so much about.

Perhaps the op can get your number off you and pass it on to him !

Maybe before committing to being exclusive with a man, we should say “btw I’m not into kink of any kind. If that’s an issue speak now and we’ll call it quits.”

but then part of me thinks why should it be on us to say that?

I have heard some people if a woman is truly a lesbian if she uses vibrators.

Honestly I think it’s a form of homophobia and reduces homosexuality to sex acts.

Totally, I'm stunned that anyone cannot see that. And the whole 'can't live without' - it's emotional blackmail.

Normal, non-manipulative people say... probably after at least the third intimate encounter: "That was great, and it's probably a good time to talk about what we might both be into. And this is my thing..."

I worry when people can't see blackmail talk for what it is.

Why? She said she would have broken up with this man.

The time to tell you is BEFORE you have sex. If this is something he “has” to have (and I call bullshit on that phrase) he should have been upfront.

The move into the mainstream of more and more extreme porn, seems to have made a number of men think that most women like nothing more than being choked and abused. Vanilla sec isn’t enough (it is in my book)

We aren’t allowed to “kink shame” though, despite behaviour borderline (and actually) abusive, being forced onto women.

The terrible “rough sex” defence in murder cases, always men murdering women isn’t it, and claiming they wanted to be choked.

Chuck this one back, he’ll either be pestering you, or cheating on you.

Christ OP I'm glad I'm old fat and married. Our biggest kink is going to bed after 9pm.

For what it's worth, both of the things you mention - the desires of the ex and of this one - would be a major turn-off for me, and I'm no prude. I had an ex that wanted me to work a finger up his bum using baby oil, that was 35 years ago. No ta. But he shrugged and never mentioned it again! He's an ex because he really only wanted to marry his mother, plus he liked to shit with the bathroom door open.

I can't add to the more grown up advice you've already received about how manipulative he's been - and he has been - but I'm sorry you've been let down at this late stage. See how he reacts to your polite "no thank you", but I doubt you'll look at him in the same light now anyway...

What he has done is coercive.

His request came with an ultimatum that if he didn't get it he would not be happy in the relationship.

This is your red flag. Getting his rocks off a particular way is more important than your emotional connection to him.

You are being tested about whether you are compliant or not because of the accompanying ultimatum.

It doesn't matter what it is - the way in which it has been presented to you is the problem.

He doesn't respect you not care for you emotionally. Getting his rocks off is more important to him.

I’d expect to be told before he went anywhere near my bedroom, one guy I dated told me something after two dates so I ditched him. If it’s non negotiable they should be upfront, before 3rd date seems about right to me

Not only do I agree with you 100%, but I also wanted to say that I think you have a really brilliant style of writing!

There are far fewer women there of course. So they fancy their chances better pressuring women they meet in other ways 🤷

Eugh! This was meant to say “I have heard some people question if a woman is truly a lesbian etc…”

This.

Not wanting to engage in a particular kink doesn't mean you won't engage in any, though. So plenty of women wouldn't be being honest saying that, but still might baulk at a particular kink (or even just at the manipulation inherent in someone saying they would "struggle" if she won't engage).

I’m surprised people think it’s ok to wait a few months. I’d expect this information as soon as sex was involved, or very soon after. He’s said he would struggle to do without this kink longer term, so he should have told you about it as soon as it became a sexual relationship. I agree with people who think this is manipulative behaviour and would see this as a red flag.

I also dislike the notion of responses to kinks being “open” and “closed” minded. I would consider that coercive language.

agree with this post wholeheartedly. He’s put a timeline and resulting action on whether you perform and comply with- I’d hate that. Introduced to parents or not - I’d rather be a bit embarrassed if they ask why you split but I‘d rather my child splits up with their partner than being coerced into doing something they don’t feel comfortable with!

I’d leave. If it’s something you know you don’t really want it’s going to become a contentious issue between you. Just leave.

Re the exes having no issues, of course they would say that. Funny how they’re exes though and didn’t stick around permanently.

Ah yes, there's always one who gets confused between being gay and anal sex.

"Gay" is when a man feels attracted to other men. It has nothing to do with liking, or disliking, anal sex, which is something different entirely.

Having read what they both asked for, they are pretty beyond the pale of usual activity. Definitely better to be up front about them before now 😬 pegging as in a strap on?

I'm happy to be old and married too.

Bums in our house are for shitting out of. Just as nature intended.

Exactly this.

If he'd started with an open conversation about any kinks they both had, might be open to, hard nos and limits then fine. He's basically said this is my kink, get on board or we're splitting up.

My kink is I don't like kink. Total dealbreaker for me, I would want to know as early as possible.