To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

I’ve blocked him now - he sent me a message on his lunch. It was a link where the url was ‘hidden’ if that makes sense. He said he saw this and thought of me and I’d find it useful. I clicked it and it went straight in to a video of a man being penetrated and the title saying it’s an introduction to anal sex for a male from a woman’s perspective. I didn’t watch any further but it was 10 minutes long.

I told him not to contact me again and that I’d take it further if he sends me anything unsolicited ever again.

I am glad to hear you blocked him. Regrettably he sounds like one of those men for whom breaking a taboo, or your boundaries, is an important part of the excitement.

You did right to tell him no further contact. He may not stick to that, but you need to. Do not meet for coffee or anything else, nor accept the “I didn’t mean it of course I respect you”. These are not sincere.

Fucking hell, your update! He thought you'd find it useful?!?! Some men are absolutely beyond the pale. God, OP, I bet you can't believe he could have seemed so normal and lovely for all those months. Sorry, what a shit end to your relationship

Wow.

Good work.

Right decision and well handled.

Thats sending you unsolicited porn and pressuring you into doing this. Hard no. Proper ick.

I'm sure he'll feel very hard done by. I have zero sympathy.

The association makes no sense when you reduce an entire sexuality to one sex act. Linking anal sex between a man and a woman to homosexuality makes about as much sense as assuming two lesbians using a strap on are secretly gay.

This is really quite ridiculous. A woman with a strap on is still a woman.

She has said what it is quite clearly.

Jesus with every message he sounds worse! Amazing how he hid this for a whole year and then once the floodgates opened his real self poured out in a big awful mess. Don't look at it as a wasted year, it's a gift you found this out only a year into the relationship!

Yes apologies.

Though it seems there's something of an overlap between the preponderance of metaphorical arseholes, and their own obsession with arseholes

It's almost funny that he thinks sending you helpful links to learn about the whole process is appropriate as if you had asked him to send you a tutorial on crochet or some other hobby.....Daft man!

My point is simply that anal sex is strongly associated in society's eyes with being gay/bi, because gay or bi men are far more likely to want to receive anal than straight men - 1 in 10 straight men have tried pegging at least once, but 70 to 80% of gay men engage in anal sex. So it's really not hard to understand why people's minds might (wrongly) make that connection - it's not an unreasonable thing to at least wonder.

Whereas lesbians don't really do anything that straight women don't enjoy doing too. So there's not a good comparator.

He sounds like a psycho.

Did he show any signs of this before?

Wow! He just gets worse and worse! What a fucking pig. You really had a lucky escape there, OP, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now, having had your time wasted on him.

No he’d honestly been the model partner, my friends are really liked him, he made a great impression on my parents, had flowers for my DM/ beers for DF etc

Now he’s revealed his kink to you it’s like he can’t stop just adding more and more layers to it. The next thing you’d know (god forbid you stayed with him) he’d be pressurising you to watch his kink porn, go to kink parties and god knows what else. He’s gone from not mentioning it for 8 months to full on ‘this is my whole identity’.

Blocking is the most sensible thing to do here.

Wtaf have I just read. What a horrible manipulative man. Waiting til you're properly invested, then suggesting that most women would be fine with him using sex workers, then trying to manipulate you into doing stuff you're not comfortable with. Utterly horrible.

If youre reconsidering men with kids OP at least with men who have kids, you can see first hand what type of father they'll be. If they contribute financially, if they know the names of their friends kids / teacher, if they're fully involved as a parent or if they dump their kids with women in their life in their limited contact time to do hobbies, if they can make tough decisions, disciple and boundaries rather than acting all Disney Dad incase their kid gets upset when they're asked to do homework/ brush their teeth, if they put their kids first and wait a decent amount of time before introducing you, are they still respectful to and about their ex for the sake of a positive co-parent relationship etc

I don’t think I would mention his kink or his behaviour since to your parents, you don’t want them to wish they could bleach their brains. Just tell them it turns out your values are too different for it to work long term (at least that’s what I would do, but depends how comfortable you feel about it). My friends, I’d probably tell.

I wonder if he thought 'I've achieved what I set out to do. She's primed, groomed and locked in now. Here comes phase two' after it went well with your parents.

Well done for not being sucked in. You could have saved yourself decades of misery.

I know, it’s mad isn’t it! He sounds like a one track mind moron.

He was probably relying on the emotional investment she had already made. Very manipulative indeed.

Absoluetely. Its calculated love bombing with a view to do this later down the road. Super ick.

😂😂😂

Dunno OP, i'm not sure I could indulge a partner who couldn't go without bathing in beans for more than a couple of months at a time.

I know it's not something you want but keep his last message just incase Op, if you block him he might turn up in person, threatening to tell the police might make him get the message

FFS! Even after you dumping him OMG. It’s awful to think he’s basically been grooming you OP & it’s all been carefully calculated.