To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

Not so - you can use the missionary position for this; some find this particularly arousing.

OP, I am impressed by your dignity. This man is hitting every button you have to get you to his way of thinking. It would be worse if you had ignored your instincts, and it tells you his use of the time taken to tell you about this was cynical. Do not let him take further advantage of your emotions. I would honestly block his messages so that you can think for yourself. He is showing signs that he does not want to allow that. You are vulnerable; he’s probably had this conversation before many times in some form and you have not. It gives him great emotional advantage over you.

You have done the right thing op

Wanting the sex you want is absolutely fine, you have to know what you want and want you do not want. Calling you prudish/trying to push boundaries is never fine and a behaviour he would have continued with

An ex of mine (it wasn't serious thankfully) decided to put my knickers on while I was out of the room, this he obviously enjoyed 😖 I was really annoyed they were new and part of a lovely set. And I was also annoyed he made the assumption I would be into this. I am not was an absolute turn off and I finished with him the next day

He apparently said it was a joke (no it was not) then I got called a prude to and its fun to dress up. Well maybe his next girlfriend thought so I didn't

The "morass of arseholes" could possibly have been more sympathetically phrased 😉

More like anal projection 😂

Wow what a vile individual OP. Good for you. No apology for having wasted your time, leading you on under false pretences, or for putting you in a no win situation. It’s your fault for being a prude! Honestly there’s just no end to the gaslighting in the bloody patriarchy - bullet definitely dodged. And do tell your parents what this creep has done to you & did to them actually in trying to manipulate you. As long as it’s not TMI for them 🥴

OP, you have done the right thing. His messages get worse and worse, it's not just the kink but his overall manipulativeness and entitlement that are so shocking. You're well rid. Yes, you have lost a year, but thank your lucky stars that he did show his hand so early and you were able to finish things before they progressed further. Some women reach the stage of marriage and children before they discover their partner's true nature.

Have a good cry, and then hold your head up high, in the knowledge that you have self respect, can hold your boundaries and have much to offer in a relationship.

Except plenty of straight men aren't 'normal', and have oodles of weird/disgusting fetishes and kinks. It's a little strange to divide men into 'gay' and 'normal', as that's not how the division actually works!

Have a good cry, and then hold your head up high, in the knowledge that you have self respect, can hold your boundaries and have much to offer in a relationship.

This ^

Our self respect is worth keeping hold of more than any man

Are gay men not “normal”? What makes a man not “normal” for enjoying anal stimulation given that’s where the prostate gland is?

A woman’s vagina has evolved to be penetrated for reproduction, not simply sexual pleasure which is why comparatively fewer women climax from PIV sex compared to oral sex. So this explanation of yours doesn’t really clarify with two women with a strap-on does not make them straight but a man and a woman with a strap-on makes the man secretly gay.

You seem to have misread my comment.

I'm talking about why people make the association between anal sex and being gay or bi - it's based on the frequency of the behaviour in straight vs gay/bi men, and may be a wrong assumption, but is not an unreasonable association to have. I didn't say anything about a man definitely being secretly gay because he wants to be pegged.

My explanation is quite simple. As the vagina is designed to be a direct part of the sexual process, and does provide sexual pleasure as part of that, then it makes sense to include it in sex (and fyi, just because women don't generally orgasm, doesn't mean it doesn't feel very, very good - I'm sorry if that's not the case for you).

Whereas the anus hasn't evolved to put anything into it, or to be part of the sexual process at any point, and in addition to the fact that it can cause damage to women, faecal matter comes out of it that can cause UTIs and infections. So it's unhygienic for anyone to penetrate/lick it, and all of that makes it a little odd, imo. But that's their business!

Well said.

You definitely should just block and ignore, but if I were to reply it'd say: "Thank you, your 'advice' was extremely helpful. Just probably not in the way you intended. Best of luck to you."

I'd tell him to get to fuck, you wanking bellend

He'd probably like it, so you'd have to block him immediately 😭

Well that's it- getting annoyed would definitely play into his hands.
Boak.

😄

He is so manipulative- exes ‘were fine’ with it and he can’t live without it. Disregarding pegging - the manipulation would make me reconsider the relationship

Sorry OP - should have RTFT - ugh what an arsehole (no pun intended!). You are well rid

Lol @ ‘normal men’.
Many Straight men do very much enjoy butt ‘fun’ once they have tried it / been introduced to it.
Many men would also balk at it , perhaps because of the old fashioned inference that it might mean they’re closeted gays, or just because they’re not into it but it can be a pleasurable feeing for any sexuality.

even without the prostate , women can and do enjoy anal sex etc too .

where it becomes an issue is situations like the one here, where the man has kept quiet about it for 8 months and then delivered it as a non negotiable and that he is willing to do it with another woman whilst in a relationship with the OP and he suggests she is all minded because she is not into it.

he is unkind , manipulative and unfair .
if this is as important to him as it clearly is then he should have been up front far sooner and given the op a chance to walk away before getting involved and emotionally attached.

plenty of women do enjoy pegging their partner and it doesn’t make them any better or worse than op, or less normal, just different strokes for different folks…

Well that took a big turn with the mistress bit!!

You were right to drop him after that.

oh look here comes the poster who is so open minded to lecture us all about butt fun being liked by many straight men

a man wanting his female partner to wear a strap on and fuck him up the arse is role playing a sexual fantasy, and that fantasy is not about women no matter what they tell you

why are so many woman falling for this nonsense

Why the strangely childish language? 'Butt fun'? Just say 'anal penetration', good god.

I'll just leave this here.

“Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.
“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.
“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential."

For me I made my lines crystal clear.

To some extent from day 1. Eg sex wasn’t happening off the bat, I needed to know the person and feel comfortable and in an exclusive relationship for that to happen.

Before I had sex I made it clear contraption etc was his responsibility and solely sat with him. Condoms were a non negotiable. The reality was I had enough of women taking sole responsibility for it and men not stepping up.

I made it clear gambling, debt, violence, misogyny, use of sex workers, smoking, vaping, drugs or excessive alcohol was NOT acceptable to me from the off.

I made it clear difficult step children, ex wives, in laws - were not my responsibility that I had my own stuff to deal with. I also didn’t want someone who just wanted to move in and want to be a man child.

I made it clear with sex that consent and enthusiastic consent eg just because I don’t say no don’t assume it is ok before you start doing it, seek and gain consent and if any pain it would be an automatic stop. I don’t use porn and I don’t like it (links to organised crime, coercion and treating people as objects), I don’t and won’t to three somes, anal etc. Those conversations didn’t happen on a 1 st date but they happened before sex.

if you are looking for a potential life partner it is having fun and relaxing yes but it is a bit like a weird job interview for a few months. Normally a new article got us discussing topics- or something and what do you think of this? What’s your opinion?

We had been on about 10 dates before we discussed sex over several months. He did get violence against women and misogyny but he also learnt a lot too!

if you are going to be vulnerable both physically, emotionally, financially and mentally with someone you have to hold back and look at what they are doing and how they are both with you, other people, animals etc?

Someone should not have a kink and expect you to go along with it and that ok or accuse you of not being open minded.

My husband loves sex in the shower it really turns him on and it’s fine by me. Someone else made call it a kink but for us it is normal.

Doubtless others are fine with porn use and that would be ok. But if you are going to be intimate with someone and truly open it is about seeing them clearly as well as showing yourself clearly.

In your case he is waving red flags. Waiting until he met your family. Committed and 8 months in. I can see why you feel conflicted but it’s a huge no from me. He told you after he met your parents and language used is negging. Other people don’t have an issue, my other girlfriends liked it / didn’t mind, I’ve met your family now to ‘prove’ myself all of this is highly manipulative and I would run run fast and I would finish it for all the above reasons. Just no. You don’t do that and a decent man wouldn’t.

I’ve reread the OP’s posts and she doesn’t actually say what the link is. For all we know, he really wants to have someone shout at him while he reads aloud from the Radio Times.