To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

Is that a serious question?

You've dodged a bullet. Well done for standing your ground. Put it behind you and feel pleased that you found out and did something about it. And you will find a much better partner.

This is really homophobic.

OMG OP he’s clearly laid his cards on the table. Put up with sexual stuff you don’t want to do or you’re going be a sad lonely old spinster basically. In other words he doesn’t care how you feel and he’ll use any manipulation tactic he can think of to get his kink serviced. He’s be happy to get that from you however unhappy you were, or from someone else while with you. That’s not a relationship it’s a one-man vortex of pornified selfishness. You have done the right thing and he’s showing you how unpleasant he really is.

it hurts now and I understand you don’t have time to waste, but this is exactly what you have to do to avoid ending up married to an awful man because you gave someone like this the benefit of the doubt. It’s really unfair and we shouldn’t have to sift through a morass of arseholes to find a man with basic respect, but you’re doing what you have to. Onwards and upwards op

It's certainly an odd combination from someone professing to be straight!

OP, just send him this meme...

Yes sounds like he is secretly gay. I would tell him you feel disgusted you have been unknowingly sleeping with a man with homosexual tendencies and you are going to get yourself tested ASAP as he has clearly been seeing prostitutes.

Absolutely. Why are some people so obsessed with sex acts anyway.
I would of thought better to try and get a nice relationship going without bringing extra burdens into it.
That will never be enough anyway as soon as that's worn off he'll want something else. Humans always have to go one worse when they are like that.
Why not put their brain power into other areas of their life. Why just sex 🥱 🥱

Woo Boy! Each message got worse and worse and the one you quoted here is just vile.

It shows that some people can go a fair few months concealing their truly terrible nature.

Statistically i reckon they would all be men. It always seems its men who have "kinks" they try to foist on women, probably from watching too mych porn, it's been proved that they lose the ability to have ordinary sex. Yuck

How fucking rude! And manipulative! I think he is only saying this because he feels hurt about you ending things and he’s trying to hurt you. I don’t believe for a second his exes were ok with him paying a prostitute to peg him, and you obviously should not feel bad that you would not find this acceptable. There are plenty of men in their 30s and beyond who are not particularly interested in kinks, and in my experience men who enjoy degradation or pegging are not that common

What a twat this guy is. You are well rid, he's a manipulative knob.

I just wonder, statistically, how many women are really, really turned on by pegging? How many women who aren't into going to fetish clubs or part of a 'scene' actually want to do this SO much? And how many of them, if their partners weren't into it, would go off and find a prostitute to do it to?

Suspecting someone is in denial about being gay is not homophobic - in fact it's the opposite - women have often been conned into "cover up" relationships by gay men, and always lose by it. Men using women as "beards" has always real thing and women are sensible to question if they suspect this is the case. The most flamboyantly "out " gay men like Elton John almost always have a history of marrying women as a disguise in the past. I'm sure there are plenty of men still using women this way when it doesn't suit their lifestyle or reputation to be thought of as gay..

Just adding, having read PP’s comments, I don’t think enjoying anal things automatically means a man is secretly gay. Being pegged by a woman is a different experience to just having sex with a man. I am bi and enjoying things in my bumhole doesn’t make me straight. Me as a woman using a strap-on on a woman or man doesn’t mean they’re secretly anything other than someone who fancies women and likes things in their bumhole.
Obviously there will be some gay/bi men in denial, and it doesn’t excuse this man’s words and manipulation, but some people just like things up their bum and doing it to yourself is different to someone else doing it

In fairness, no matter what thing there is, there will be some men who have a kink about it.

You have had a lucky escape. I know it doesn’t feel like that at this moment.

But you will meet someone else and someone who doesn’t have the same sexual urge

Sorry, he’s met your parents that makes it harder. Would you be honest with them? Why you’re not together? Probably not cause I couldn’t imagine saying that to my dad.

But you are young and that all people out there who will treat you right and not expect a plastic or wooden dildo up their arse

Good on you, OP! I'm sorry he was such a time-wasting prick. What a nasty, manipulative thing for him to do to you.

And the cheek of him, saying you're prudish, and limiting your options because you're not into buggering your boyfriend 🤣 Somehow I think you'll manage to find a man who doesn't need to be pegged (by sex workers) quite easily!

Would you be comfortable to say what it is? I just don’t understand what a kink is? Are we talking that you like role play? Or bum being spanked? Or is it something extreme like you must have marmalade smeared on your boobs or sex means nothing.

To answer the original question, I can understand OP being pissed off. The time to put sexual kinks and boundaries on the table is obviously not on the first date, but certainly the first couple of months of exclusivity when you’re in that period of not being able to keep your hands off of each other.

To those that suggest a man enjoying anal stimulation must be gay. Do you think that gay women who enjoy penetration by sex toys are actually straight?

Actually, don’t. I’m happy living in ignorance.

Reducing the full richness and complexity of same sex attraction and same sex relationships to one sex act is absolutely homophobic.

There is not one thing said here that is suggestive of a man in denial about his sexuality.

Not one.

This.

If its not for you @Laurennnworld and he'd 'struggle to go without' this particular thing, then end it now. What's to say he won't gradually add other things he'd struggle to go without. Some just aren't a good match.

In a weird way he's done you are favour @Laurennnworld , if he'd kept this secret until you were married and/or had a child you'd have found it far harder to leave. Now you can get on with your life without being tied to a man with a fetish, he calls it a kink to make it sound less important, but if he can't manage a relationship without it then that's a fetish. Better luck next time Op

I have actually heard this suggested before (not here) but it’s a good question to ask here. It’s sad but unsurprising how many people reduce homosexuality to just sex acts.

And I guess by the logic here, a woman who is straight would be fine having sex with another woman wearing a strap-on.

Sorry @Laurennnworld I didn't read your updates before my comment.

His answer suggesting that you are prudish shows what a horrible man he is. No consideration for you just for his sex kinks.

You are definitely better off without him.

To be fair, a woman's vagina has evolved to be penetrated, so to include vaginal penetration in sex just makes sense.

The anus has not evolved to be penetrated (in either sex), and anal sex is generally not something that straight men have traditionally wanted to be on the receiving end of.

Stats I found were vague, but seemed to show that roughly 10 to 16% of adults (not men, just adults) have tried pegging at least once. So possibly as many as 1 in 10 men have tried it, but that doesn't mean they did it more than once. So no, it's not a common thing for straight men to do.

Anal sex is definitely much more strongly associated with the gay community, with between 70 to 80% of gay men engaging in anal sex. So it's not surprising that a man who wants to be pegged triggers the association with homosexuality/bisexuality in people's mind, and makes people wonder if the guy is pulling a Phillip Schofield.