To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

That’s what hurts the most, nearly a year wasted.

What a foul little man. He knew exactly what he was doing all along and is throwing a hissy fit that you're not easily manipulated and is attacking you exactly where he knows it'll hurt!

^ 100%

sorry to hear - he was really mean and manipulative leaving it so long and waiting to meet your parents etc

you’ve made the right choice - never look back

if he could keep this apparently big thing to himself for 8 months he’s got a lot of capacity for deception and you would never have been happy

the sex worker is 🤮

I know how hard it is to be out there dating, but trust me there ARE decent men out there

btw, this is totally on these two men but I think in future you should ask (grill) about this early on (like 2-3 months in) - sexual stuff and ‘anything you should know’ . You have a right to know before you get in too deep

How old is he?

Yeah I am going to be more direct earlier on about these things for sure, lesson learnt.

It feels the decent men are harder to find. To be honest, I have discounted 2/3 who seemed really decent because they already had kids. I think I was probably too judgmental so need to revisit that thought process.

He’s 34.

Sorry OP, but you've dodged a bullet.

Im struggling to understand how a pegging kink, could be fulfilled with a mistress, fully clothed? Do they just talk about it and he "sorts himself"? 😢 I say the internet has a lot to answer for!

Also, he told you that all of his exes were fine with it. Now it transpires that at least one of them was not, they apparently just tolerated the "mistress" - so which was it? He's being bendy with the truth here.

There are going to be decades ahead of him that he’s going to be indulging in this. Fine if he’s with someone eho doesn’t mind but a nightmare for someone who doesn’t want to be a part of it.

I’d have dumped him too and his attacking words wouldn’t hurt me because I know they’re coming from a manipulative tantrum.

It really is okay to be picky OP. It sounds like you're maybe early 30s yourself - a lot of guys won't have kids at that age (and I would never have wanted to be a stepmum, having been a stepkid). There are guys out there who don't already have kids and who don't want to be fucked up the arse with a dildo and/or get a sex worker to oblige them if you're not willing - honest

She’d be clothed, he wouldn’t.

I don’t believe a word he says re. his exes. He’s always been a bit vague on the details. Of course one of them was a psycho ex too.

I bet Fred West used to tell that to all the ladies.

Blimey what a catch.

Ohhhh OP. Big hugs, onwards and upwards.

I promise there are some nice men out there!

There are nice men out there.

I would be very upfront with the next one early on re kinks, sex life etc. You can even say the last guy I was with we were together 8 months and then he sprang on me he liked pegging. Speak now or forever hold your peace- I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

This shouldn’t be necessary but I think for you it is!

Omg!!! I feel for you so much and your parents who he conned as well. It beggers belief it really does about what you were asked to indulge in the first place but to then go on and give you relationship advice to suit his own needs and ego! I couldn’t drop my jaw fair enough to the floor. Darling girl, you have more integrity in your pinky than this man has in his whole body! Leave him be to indulge his exithole to his hearts content! He’s a wrong un!

@satsumas26

You have a right to know before you get in too deep

I wish you could rephrase that a little 😖🫣🤮🤣

😂

His message just clarified that you have made exactly the correct decision.
My "advice" to him is not to be judgemental of others standards and boundaries.
Shaming me or name calling will not change my No or move my boundary.
Im leaving you because you do not respect my boundaries.
I would add that limited options are preferable to wrong for me options.
I would say trying to shame and manipulate me to change my boundaries is a deal breaker.
Good luck .

watching Eurovision and asking for anal would suggest to me he isn’t certain about his sexuality but maybe that’s a stretch.
Don't do what doesn’t turn you on.

Wow. Lucky escape for you, still upsetting, give yourself space to feel the disappointment and grieve the hopes you had for thi relationship and then you can fly free from the confines of his inflexible sexual demands.
I wonder what else he’d have sprung on you over time had you stayed?

I agree with the other comments on this thread that mention the shaming intention behind being telling someone to be more "open minded". The inherent judgement behind that phrase is horrible.

If I was being charitable I'd say he feels judged himself and is lashing out. You don't sound like you have done that though but instead have drawn a boundary for yourself. I actually think he's being manipulative.

So there's red flag bunting there then. I'm sorry.

My friend refers to men like this as 'time thieves'

What a pig op. Highly manipulative too. Meeting your parents and dropping it then. He clearly thought you would be now trapped because he has met the family. Glad you dumped him. Gross, what normal woman is going to accept that.

Plot twist but yes, this is very feasible

So there's red flag bunting there then. I'm sorry. Just be grateful you have clocked it now and move on rather than getting sucked in with sunk cost fallacy thinking.

My friend refers to men like this as 'time thieves'.

Jesus Christ! Thank god you dodged this bullet, OP, he sounds like a total dickhead.

The entitlement of his response!!!