To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

I had some sympathy for him at first as I can imagine some people take time to feel comfortable talking about the range of their desires. The last message was gross though.

I find it hard to believe many women are ok with him seeing a sex worker.

Agree with pp that the extremity of porn has fundamentally shifted the baseline of "standard" sexual interactions and not for the better.

What a weirdo , throw him back !

Sounds like he hasn't managed without for eight months Op, he's being seeing a SW until he could talk you into it.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but it's funny and tragic in equal measure that he sent you a "our connection is so deep and special, I can sacrifice pegging for the sake of our love" message, and just minutes later followed it up with "actually, you know what..."

It's horrid for you OP, but it would be much much worse if you'd gone on to marry and have children with him and then discovered he was seeing this professional or someone else behind your back to get pegged. Because that is absolutely what would happen.

Fucking hell, excellent point. He already had this professional's details down pat. Oh God.

Yes, but oral sex isnt a kink, much as PIV or kissing, aren't kinks. Oral sex is stimulation of the genitals, and frequently the only way a woman can orgasm via her partner during sex.

What an utter pervert – I have have imagine he's already been seeing her, as PP have said. I'm sorry you've wasted your time, OP. Throw this creep back. And be proactive asking about kinks early on, in a non-judgemental way (if you sound judgemental, they might lie).

He probably thinks he has been very subtle and clever about this: meeting your parents, then afterwards bringing up the issue of his kink; love bombing you, then saying "hmm, actually, I could go and get professionally pegged here" - it's a little forwards - backwards routine he has and it's obvious as fuck.

I bet his ex was NOT okay with this for three years, it just took her three years to find out.

Throw this seedy man back. 🤮

How can he say he can forego the kink for you and in the next breath ask if you’d be ok with him seeing a dominatrix? He clearly can’t go without fulfilling the kink and is willing to pay to satiate it. The no touching thing is irrelevant - it’s still sexual, and in fact the no touching rule is an intrinsic part of the domination. However, you’re fortunate that he’s been truthful (months in, but he’s still been honest). There are people out there who unsuccessfully test the water, cheat to fulfil their unfulfilled urges and destroy lives when it comes out. At least you can make that choice yourself.

Because he wants you to be emotionally invested so he can convince you, it’s manipulation

what is it? You gonna say

I think he has been seeing a sex worker all along, he hasn’t “done without” for 8 months, and OP should book herself in for a full sexual health screening promptly.

Well sorry to hear OP but it is a trashy response. I think he will have had these problems before and left it pretty long before telling you to give him the best chance of an emotionally kind response. But you don’t really know him, and his second message makes that very clear. This is very manipulative and draw a line now.

It is manipulative because

1. He’s waited until she’s emotionally invested enough to take him to meet her parents and might be afraid of losing him or looking silly dumping him straight after introducing them to each other
2. he’s told her he can’t go without it, ergo pressurising her to partake or risk losing him and;
3. He’s made a point of telling her none of his ex’s had an issue, therefore trying to make her feel like she’s unreasonable or some kind of prudish weirdo if she doesn’t share his penchant for said kink.

He knows full well what he’s done, don’t be daft.

I’ve never understood ‘straight men’ who like anal sex whether with a strap on or real Dick

are they semi gay ? Bi?

I totally get why this is non negotiable for you and even worse him saying he will go to a mistress

He should have told you earlier before you started caring about him. I'm sorry he didn't do that. It's only going to get more difficult to sever the relationship the longer it goes on so you know what you need to do for you.

Pls don't be coerced into doing anything you are uncomfortable with.

No, they can still be totally straight. It's a sensory thing, not a necessarily gay thing. Not all gay men like anal sex either.

It's absolutely not my thing though, so if a guy wanted me to peg him, I'd have to set him free, just as OP needs to do.

A friend used a strap on her bf many many years Well decades ago now

I didn’t get it then or now

but yes if it’s not your thing op then yes you need to split up

He thinks he's a real clever clogs doesn't he? Poor deluded soul. You dodged a bullet there OP.

Wouldn't surprise me if he's been spending money on this 'mistress' all along.

Non-negotiable kinks should be discussed asap which is a lot sooner than 8 months. He's a wanker (or rather, a peggee?).

Thank fuck he sent you that 2nd message. Seriously.

Otherwise you would have swallowed all that bs about the future and how much he wants to ask your DF for your hand etc etc.

His pegging definitely comes before your needs in a relationship.

He’s already researched ‘solutions’, i bet he knew about them beforehand, chances are he’s been to such ‘mistress’ before, maybe even during those 8 months together.

His long term ex ‘was fine’ with it- i can guarrantee she wasn’t and that’s why she’s an ex. He’s manipulating and pressuring you, making you feel abnormal, because apparently his exes were cool with his fetish (riiiight…🙄).

He concealed this for 8 months. This might be just the tip of the iceberg. He will reveal more as you get more entrapped (e.g. married, have kids) and will have no choice but to go along with it. If you don’t, he’ll do it behind your back.

There’s nothing wrong with having kinks and fetishes but the way he is going about it is wrong. He is not a person you can trust.

8 months, whilst seemingly a lot, is nothing compared with 10+ years of this nonsense you’ll be putting up with if you stay together.

'my ex was okay with it' is NEVER a good reason. You are not his ex. Bet she dumped him for pulling similar shit.

This guy is a manipulative, coercive bar steward. I never normally tell people to LtB but please leave this bar steward.

They can be totally straight, but I think there's the confounding factor that gay/bi men who are trying to hide their sexuality will sometimes want to be pegged (something a couple of my friends/acquaintances have encountered in boyfriends) - and then their sexuality comes out... And so it makes people suspicious that every man who wants to be pegged is secretly gay/bi, when that isn't the case.

OP has said in her comments.

They are neither “semi gay” nor bi unless they are sexually interested in a man.