AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

He didn't traffick him to Namibia - he took him for one night away to a place that he really enjoyed, with his parent, and within your home country. Plus you've taken him on holiday yourself before and that didn't 'disrupt his routine'. Those last three words are an excuse you are using because you have no control during the time he is away from you and I guess that you are finding that really hard, hence your overreaction. Sorry that you are finding it hard, but if he is happy, safe and cared for then that should be the end of it. Don't drive a wedge between you and your ex or potentially between your ex and his son. He did nothing wrong and you need to think about why you have this need for control.

So much this.

@Bluedeep - you really, really need a wake up call. You risk storing up a lot of trouble for yourself.

You are very lucky to have an Ex who co-parents effectively and with consideration for what’s best for your child. Don’t mess this up - it would be your precious son who would suffer and potentially be damaged.

You are mum, he is dad, if you both have parental responsibility your rights don’t trump dads any more than his trump yours. His time is his time.

As a courtesy it might be good for him to tell you, but he is absolutely under no obligation to at all, any more than you are should you choose to take the son you had together anywhere.

The child is a child you share responsibility for and both love (hence why you should both be involved in decisions around material things such as schooling, medical, etc) he is not a possession, he is his own person.

Sounds like you and your son are lucky to have a man in your lives who is meeting every responsibility he should and it’s lovely that his wife has also embraced and included your son too, it takes a village.

Yabvu, your ex doesn't need permission to take your child anywhere on his parenting time. It would have been nice to know, for sure, but the way you've reacted has ensured he won't be telling you next time either. I'd have gone with something along the lines of "it sounds like you all had an amazing time! Thanks so much for giving him a great experience. I'm a little freaked out he was so far away and I didn't know, would you mind giving me a heads up next time and I'll be sure to do the same?"

Also it's fine to take kids away for a night or two at any age....

Opting out of every single weekend once your child is at school is a bad choice, and certainly doesn’t make you the ‘main parent’ in reality.

YABU, he can do what he wants on his time.

YABtotallyU.

"Can I take our son on a family trip away for the weekend?"
"No!"
"Well in that case he'll have to stay with you then and also you can explain to him why his sister gets to go away with me and he doesn't"

I look forward to you're future thread entitled " My son never gets to go away with his dad, AIBU to think it's not fair"

This.

Yes, this is the real problem. Poor child growing up in that sort controlling environment. Really unfair on them.

This is ridiculous and can’t believe it’s real.

Taking a wild guess (and I mean this kindly). When you were with your Son's dad did he leave you? And now he's having fun with his dad and coming home excitedly telling you about it? And it stings? Something to keep an eye on. You don't want your son feeling guilty for having fun with his Dad

You're being very unreasonable here. What dad does on his time is actually none of your business and you do not get to police his time. Would you accept it if your ex kicked off at everything you do with your child that he doesn't necessarily approve of? I guess you wouldn't because you're the "main parent" and are apparently the only one who doesn't need to seek permission or approval for how you spend your time with your child. You clearly trust dad to look after the child you share and if you have a very good reason not to trust him then you have no business packing your child off with him to get a break for half of the week. So I'm going to make a good assumption that your ex has given you no real reason to distrust him. Don't be ridiculous it's not for you to dictate how dad spends his weekends with his child

That would be a good way to address it with your ex and ask him to let you know or you can ask what their plans are when you drop him off

I don’t agree it wouldn’t have fun for your boy and he would have enjoyed it - what a lovely thing to do altogether

he doesn’t need your permission as he is a parent too - I think telling him this will crush him a bit - he obv really loves him

I call BS on this.

As a matter of courtesy and from a practical perspective for packing appropriate clothing, I would HOPE my ex mentioned it but he has no requirement to do so.

If he was planning on taking my DS abroad, I would expect to be told but otherwise no. I think you are overstepping here but can understand the surprise.

You need to get a life

Why is he too young for you to take him away overnight? Mine were being taken on trains and ferry's for overnights at my sister's houses with me my whole mat leave and beyond.

I'm wondering this one too..they practically have a 50/50 arrangement. Neither one of them is a "main parent"

He doesn't have to get your permission, your residence arrangements make him the primary carer, if anything. It's great that he's making sure his son is fully integrated with his new family and not left out or 'moved on' from, like so many men do.

In your shoes I would certainly appreciate knowing where my child was, if away from home and would ask nicely to be given a heads up in advance. I would not be freaking out, throwing my weight around and making myself look massively unreasonable. It could be thats the reason why he doesn't tell you, perhaps in the belief you will be obstructive.

You should be happy that your child is being cherished and enjoying treats like this, especially since you can't be bothered taking him away and prefer to spend your time with your partner, rather than your own child.

Will that not change when he starts school though?

I wouldn’t want to be missing every weekend with my child once he was in school Monday - Friday…

I’m more going to question as to why you don’t work?!

He's clearly not too young for trips away, especially in the same country! He had a great time .Why on earth would he be too young?

So you never have your child at a weekend? Have never taken him on a wee trip and your ex will have him Thurs, Fri, Saturday I to Sunday going forward so you can 'have weekends to relax with your partner's?

Yet you shouted at his dad for spending quality time with him?
The aemfishness

That pretty much sums it up!

I think people who wish to coparent should share information about their child. And I think it's polite for your ex to notify you that he plans to take your child away on holiday, but he doesn't need your permission to do so, especially as it was just a local trip. Despite him never asking, I always tell me ex in advance what my holiday plans with our child are, and I send him flight details and address details for where we're staying, as I just think it's the right thing to do.

I fundamentally disagree with your view that young children shouldn't spend a night away from home because it in some way unsettles them, but horses for courses on that point.

You are being very inflexible with your child’s routine!!!