AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

You need to relax. You are almost 50:50 and he is being a good dad and paying CM.
It would be nice if he told you he was going away but not required. If he or you take him overseas then yes he does need to tell you and vice versa but in this country - no.

If you are this antagonistic things are not going to go well in the long term and your son will suffer. You can think what you like and your EX can think what he likes but you are coming across as neurotic and over controlling.

So, you see you kid in the mornings and evenings and then relax with your partner at the weekend after being home all day during the week. Meanwhile your ex is working 12 hour days, paying you CM, and parenting all weekend?

I think he should tell you if he takes him away on overnight trips. Not to ask for permission as per se, but as a matter of courtesy, because you are his main parent.

Main parent that doesn’t have your child at the weekend so you can relax with your partner?
Sounds like he had a lovely weekend and such a shame he has to come home to a furious and jealous mum.

It's clear from your posts why you and your ex don't have the kind of relationship where he could and would tell you things in advance. He's an equal parent, and it's on him what happens on his time (obviously there are exceptions to this).

Both me and my ex keep each other updated what we're doing with our son, trips, holidays, activities etc, but that's because we communicate well and have a good co-parenting relationship.

You aren’t really the “main” parent though are you?
you only have your son marginally a few more hours than your ex each week. You are co-parenting and a 4 year old absolutely can (and should) go for overnight breaks

you would be far better to develop a more civilised relationship with your ex and his wife so that they bring this stuff up in normal chit chat conversation and where they can trust you not to blow your top or criticise their plans.

If you’ve agreed a plan whereby your ex has all of the weekends then you’re simply going to have to accept that he will do more days out and trips away than you do.

And the more often you react like this the less likely he is to tell you.

i just hope you didn’t show any annoyance or anger to your DS and spoil his fun weekend.

So you would rather spend weekends with your partner than your child but you don’t want your child to have experiences at the weekends either?

I can see why he is an ex if you're that controlling and jealous.

You should be happy your child had such a lovely time with his paternal family.

YABVU. I think it would be nice if he told you where there were going but he doesn’t have to ask your permission. If I were you I would do my best to maintain an open line of communication with your ex, you run the risk of alienating him. Keep things amicable, trust and respect your exs right to parental autonomy.

You’re the main parent yet you spend no weekends with him? 🤔

So you never have weekends with your child? That's terrible as you'll have no downtime with them. I think your upset your child is making amazing memories with his dad and SM, his dad doesn't need to ask permission to take him away in the UK on his time.

I was taking my DD away for short trips regularly at that age and she loves travelling. Me and her dad have 50/50 and that includes every other weekend so we can enjoy quality time with her. The only time we discuss trips is longer holidays abroad or if it overlaps into the other parents time.

Gosh this is so unreasonable. I occasionally take my 4 year old away for the night on her own and she loves the adventure. I can see why he didn't mention if you don't believe 4 year olds can have a night away from their routine! It'd be nice if he could tell you, but I imagine he didn't want you being negative about it to your son and ruining the joy.

So are you planning on telling your ex every time you plan a quick night away? If you ever do. Cos it’s exactly the same and I suspect you would feel it’s not his business if your little one is with you

He definitely doesn't need your permission but I think out of politeness he should of told you...

Oh dear, I knew from the off how this thread was going to go.

On paper he spends more nights with you but his dad does far more parenting than you if DS is at School. But it suits you so you have weekends with your partner.

Ex does not need to tell you anything about his time, it would be nice as a courtesy but I can see why he doesnt. I would also expect the time share to alternate once SM goes back to work if I were a betting person.

No I don't think your ex has to tell you about overnight stays. I don't think that getting maintenance gives you extra control. You've go some very strange ideas. A child of nearly 4 isn't too young for overnight stays. Absolutely ridiculous.

This is how it is when parents aren’t together and you need to get your head round this asap. Presumably when you take your child away, your ex might feel the same but it doesn’t stop you taking your child on holiday. He won’t always be with you and he won’t always be close. But he will be with his dad which is fine

Tbh I had some sympathy for your situation and still do but this makes you sound a bit precious and borderline unhinged.

I don't think he should have to tell you his plans especially when it's day trips or short breaks in the UK and I wouldn't want to have to do that but it must be very difficult to coparent a young child.

I think the idea a four year old is too young for an overnight trip (but find for a holiday) is ridiculous.

What would you be doing with your son if you looked after him at a weekend. Why stop them having fun, you sound petty and controlling really which is a shame. You pretty much have equal time with your son.

Please get over yourself. This is a ridiculous take on it. What your ex does with his own biological child on his agreed contact time is none of your business im afraid ,you're making it very difficult for him to co parent and if he takes it to court the judge would laugh in your face and wont take kindly to such controls put on the other parents time

I've just read the update. You have him one more night a week but get CMS and you have him weekdays so he's mostly at school. You get most weekends free and you don't work. Would you have your son more if your ex agreed?

You ooze jealousy. You should be pleased that your DS is getting these experiences like all other children do. Also he is not too young for overnight trips, he’s 4 years old not 4 weeks.

Don’t let your DS know of your feelings towards his Dad and his new family. It will not work out well for you in the long-run. Be excited for him.

This is also a good point. You say you’re the main parent but actually your ex spends a lot more time with the child than you do in reality. I also think it’s odd that you have no weekends with him.

If this was a reverse and a father was hassling the mother about taking their child away on an overnight trip to do something child focused he’d get ripped to shreds.

It’s his time and in the same country. This is controlling.