AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

You are being ridiculously unreasonable.

Your child’s father has parental responsibility- of course it’s reasonable for him to provide days out and holidays during his contact time.

It’s no wonder he didn’t tell you if this is typical of your responses.

If he is an unsafe / neglectful parent then that’s a different story, but then you would have bigger issues to deal with.

Whoa what do you mean “as the main parent”?

You are co parents.

I say this kindly as i am sharing custody and it hurts having to “hand over” your DC but YABVU and a bit controlling AND you are not doing yourself any favours here in terms of encouraging the communication you would like, in future.

Did you tell your ex when you went on holiday? Also would this not have infringed on his time if you went away for longer?

I think YABU and it is great that he is making sure he includes both his children in activities. Imagine he had taken his other son and gone when your son isn't there, you would then have been moaning he has no interest in him and that he isn't including him.

It's his time with his son and really he can do what he wants.

You are overreacting but if you approached the situation differently it might work out better for both of you. Accept that at 4 years old your dc is quite capable of been taken away on overnight trips, (especially as he is spending nights in different places with each parent every week), but just ask your ex for your peace of mind please could he just let you know. And when he does reply thanks for the heads up have a great time.

That is all that is required here.

YABU - He is 4 and you think he isn’t old enough to stay away for a night?! This is a you issue and is entirely not a normal thought. Unless he has issues you haven’t mentioned I find this very odd. And no his dad should not need permission to take him away in his time. Just like you shouldn’t need permission to take him somewhere in the country during your time

You are completely overreacting and everything you’ve said is unreasonable. Poor kid. At least he has a reasonably sensible father. The trip sounds like great fun.
However I suspect you’ll spend his childhood arguing about nothing and creating issues where there are none. Please get some therapy, this isn’t a healthy way to behave.

Well, this is the opposite of so many threads, where the ex moves on and deprives the existing child of time and experiences. It sounds like he is fully welcome in and part of both families, which is lovely and as it should be.

Only by 1 night a week, it’s not like he only sees him a few hours every fortnight 🙄
if I was him I’d be going full 50:50 to stop the controlling - and you’d lose your free weekend nights every week too!

I wouldnt make conflict over this.
If SM is good and kind to your DS you have got a good situation. Your ex is paying maintenance.
Not all families have this mix. Maybe say that you would have liked to know so that you could talk about it and be excited about it.

This is bananas.

Why would he need permission to take his son away overnight? Why would a night away be unsettling or more so than a holiday?

You aren’t the “main parent” just because you have DS more than your ex does or at least it doesn’t give you authority over what he does.

I think this is so sad because your DS was clearly so excited about his night away, and now you’ve crapped all over that by getting angry. You’ve also made it less likely your ex will do nice things with him in future, which can only be to the detriment of your son.

We have arranged currently for Thursday after school till Sunday PM. I don’t work so have time before/after school. My ex works 6am till 6pm Monday to Wednesday and till 1pm Thursday so it’s best for us all. He gets time with his son and I get weekends to relax with my partner.

I think it's reasonable to want to know what they will be up to for your own peace of mind. Driving some distance and staying overnight, theme park rides etc. if you saw the news and it was a crash 80 miles away or a child injured at theme park (unlikely and hopefully never a reality) you'd never know it could be your child unless you know where they are and what they're up to. He shouldn't have to ask permission but he should let you know for sure.

You’re being massively unreasonable. Your exH sees his son 4 days of the week. He plays an equal role in raising him.

Be happy that your son has an involved father that gives him wonderful experiences.

I opened this expecting it to be “Ex usually has our son Thursday to Sunday but instead took his other child to the Thomas hotel and excluded our son”. In that scenario you would have had something to whinge about!

Well I can see why he didn’t tell you in advance, you obviously would have put a dampener on it for absolutely no reason

I just want to hug the little boy who’s had a great weekend, but now has come home to a furious mum .
he will know that you are mad and think it’s his fault.
the churning in this tummy I can feel from here.

it’s a shame you’re jealous that you didn’t go.

I bet he never talks of his weekend trip again and feels bad whenever he remembers it.

Why don't you work?

I think it’s fine to want to be told if he’s been taken away somewhere but I don’t see how you need to give permission. He’s staying in the country not going off to a foreign country.

You really are over acting. I understand it is hard to know that DS is havjng a ice away from you, and the fact that your ex didn’t tell you anything suggests that communication isnt great, but honestly, he’s stepping up and including DS in family trips! Don’t ruin it for DS with any negative emotions and maybe ask your ex to share photos of these trips with you. (This is how my ex and I do things, but it is amicable with a lot of communication about the kids).

So in many ways, he’s going to be the main parent as he will probably look after him more hours than you do (bearing in mind your DS will be at school for such a lot of your time with him).

TBH this is the bit I wouldn’t like in your shoes, I can’t imagine having no weekend time with my kids.

Edited to reflect that I can now see he hasn’t started school yet

Wonders if this is rage bait:
I get weekends to relax with my partner.

This is your opinion on it.
Your Ex has a different one.
If Ex is planning on taking DS aboard, then yes I'd expect you both to discuss it. Same as if you were.
4/7 nights away in the UK again a conversation.
An over night trip during Exs regular days nope nothing to do with you. If there is an emergency he DS is with his Dad and SM they will deal with it and inform you accordingly.

What EX does in his regular time is what he does. You can't control it and have no say, its a hard pill to swallow I know.
Be grateful your DS has a Dad with a stable partner. My DS went where ever his Dad's cock was lodging that week - and I had no say as it was his time.

I do think it would be polite of your child’s dad to let you know the plans that they have when your DS is going to be away overnight. But I wonder whether if he thinks your reaction is going to be to refuse, that is why he didn’t tell you.

I can understand your feeling about not wanting your little boy to be that far away from you, but in terms of it being appropriate or not for an overnight trip, lots of parents will be doing similar things with their children and the children will be fine. Possibly even easier to manage at an age they will just nap in the car.

I was wondering if there is some annoyance on your part as you have the weekdays care with all the routine, but his dad gets to do the fun parts?

So your Ex will actually have more quality time with your son under this arrangement.

Will you class him as the 'main parent' then?

So he actually spends more time with his son than you do, and you have the audacity to call yourself the main parent?

Before and after school equates to about 4 hrs a day max of meals, getting ready, homework, reading, bath, bedtime routine. I definitely wouldn’t be giving up all weekends with my child for ‘quality time with my partner’. It will result in him feeling much more part of his dad’s family unit if all quality family time is spent there.