AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

You have an absolute cheek taking child maintenance when you see your child far less than his dad does. I doubt you'd be given that in court given the 50/40 split you have. I bet you'd disrupt contact though if he didn't pay. You seem that way at least. I'm always 99% on the side of the mum in these situations but your tantrum about this is ridiculous

Being in receipt of Child Benefit and Child Maintenance payments doesn't mean you get to dictate how dad spends his time with his child. To quote yourself you've taken your child on holiday yourself so clearly he has spent overnight stays away from home-so a few nights away in a hotel will unsettle your child's routine but a weeks holiday away from home doesn't? Jesus Christ make your mind up it's not one rule for you and another for dad...or is that different because the apparently "main parent" has given him the holiday? You sound unhinged

If you had him a full day every weekend then u can do these things with him? But your time with your son, is from Sunday afternoon to thurs morning; so in term time, this period will be the getting ready for school/winding down after school periods. There seems to be no window for proper ‘leisure time’ together?

I worry if you carry on like this that your resentment will build, as of course the dad is going to take DS on days out etc more frequently, as he has him every weekend, whereas you only have the time in the school holidays.

We have gone on holiday before yes but I think a single night or 2 in a hotel unsettles a child’s routine at such a young age.
Absolute nonsense!!!
I used to take mine for an overnight at a Premier Inn for a weekend away loads at that age. Often dad didn't come but it was an adventure for the dc.

You are being unbelievably ridiculous.
There are stories of so many deadbeat dads on here and yet we have one that takes his child to a place kids love and he is still in the wrong!

Your child spends more time with their father and step mother. They mainly parent your child.

They work so give your child more opportunities and experiences. You don’t work when your child is school and entertain your partner every weekend. Clear to see who has the child as a priority.

Interfering with that is only about your issues not prioritizing your child’s wellbeing.

It is absolutely none of your business what his dad does when he has his contact . You frankly sound a bit unhinged thinking a 4 yo shouldn’t spend the odd night away . You may have your son for more hours in a week but that doesn’t give you more rights to make parenting decisions .

I have NOT read full thread so ignore if someone has commented on this.
I would be more concerned that he has him EVERY weekend - have I read that right?

You will have no fun times with him if you only have the week with him with homework etc and ex will become fun dad.

You sound really controlling - under the guise of being worried. You may be the resident parent but you and your ex share parental responsibility. Don’t make this awkward for your son and his Dad or you may well give your child x ammunition to have your son‘s primary residence reversed.

Don’t be jealous - try and focus on having a lovely time with your child when he’s with you.

Your words have brought back some painful memories of my childhood.

Even while they were still married, my mother was jealous and resentful of any quality time I spent with my father.

Dad was a champion chess player and taught me to play chess. I won the children's championship and Dad the adult's championship of big chess tournament we entered when I was eleven. We got a lot of attention from friends and family and the local (and even one national) newspapers.

Mother pretended to be pleased, but found ways to punish me. It would not have been obvious to others, but I knew why I was being punished and believed I was a bad person.

She hated the fact that we had a shared interest that didn't involve her and hated the attention we got after winning that tournament. She made me feel guilt and shame instead of pride and never played chess again.

My Dad left her when I was 18. I am pleased to say he continued to play and enjoy chess until his death five years ago.

Mother undoubtedly thought she had "won" when she stopped me playing chess (and all the other hateful things she did to my father and me), but she is now a bitter and lonely old woman. I have had minimal contact with her for the last ten years.

I loved my father with all my heart and miss him every day. I still feel guilty for giving up chess even though mother gave me no choice. We spent a lot of time together before his death and I know he never blamed me, but that doesn't stop the guilt or put the shine back on something precious I shared with Dad.

Agreed. Dad is working while you stay at home. And in term time, all you’ll see of your child is school day routine. Your current arrangement means you get no weekend down time with your child to have fun.
Your child may have less time in your ex’s care than in yours, but most of your time they’ll be at school or asleep!

It suits op though as she has said she gets weekends to relax with her partner

Op, you are wrong to class yourself as the main parent, and it actually sounds like your son has a lovely time with his dad, stepmum and sibling.

You are equal parents and you sound jealous and controlling

Maybe he didn't tell you as he knows you wouldn't be happy for your son as you are jealous and controlling.

Maybe if you spent some of your childfree days working instead of relaxing with your partner, you could contribute towards his upbringing and afford to fake him nice places too.

I agree with pps that it would have been polite to let you know, but he certainly doesn't need to ask your permission.

You can't expect him to just sit at home messing about on his phone and YouTube when he has your son, and you'd be the first to complain if he did - you should be absolutely delighted that he's taking him to such lovely places.

This!! Poor little fella. How completely ridiculous and unreasonable you’re being op, controlling to boot. I feel very sorry for your ex for having to deal with you and for your poor son, having you ruin a lovely time with his dad that he was clearly very excited to tell you about.

Bloody hell, my parents took my son to Cornwall for the week when he was 3 without me. He had a fantastic time, he’s just turned 5 and going again next week.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed, too young for overnight trips at 4 years old is ridiculous 😂😂

Not RTFT yet but sounds like there’s more of a back story. When my son was small
my ex simply would have mentioned a trip and I’d say ‘ok I’ll pack him some extra stuff’ and it would be no big deal.
You sound angry, OP and I sympathise because you are probably upset at other stuff that’s bubbling under the surface.

I'm sorry but you sound unhinged. Your ex has been very generous towards you and this was bound to cause friction with his current partner. You seem to have a very controlling nature.

She got her meal ticket so doesn't want to

You pretending to be worried is actually you being controlling and wanting to micro manage.

Too young for overnight trips? What? You sound a bit nuts. No wonder your ex doesn’t tell you if they’re going for a fun trip.

He needs your permission to leave the country, but not for a few nights away in the UK. I’d usually say it’s good for parents to communicate stuff like that, just for the sake of a good relationship but given that you seem to be really controlling and have a very odd view of things, it’s better he doesn’t tell you. It’s a shame they have to deal with this as he sounds like a very involved dad and is doing things which are great for your son.

This is another windup.

You are not the main parent and he doesn't need to tell you.
HOWEVER, I'd prefer to know and I'd tell ex if I was taking dc away overnight.

Do you ask for your ex’s permission if you take your son away?

4 is not too young for overnight trips. My dc went abroad at 4months.

A complete and unnecessary over reaction from you. Sound more upset that your ex took him away to have fun and you haven't!