AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

Nothing to do with you.

First reply nailed it.

You’re being so unreasonable that I strongly suspect this is a wind up

He’s not to young for overnight trips with his parent.

One of many in the last few months. They're talking about it on site stuff.

She didn’t probably over react, she totally overreacted and if she’s anxious she needs to deal with that and her anger, to be a better parent.

Meanwhile DF should carry on as he is, without having to deal with his ex partners issues, they are after all exes.

As a blended family, we would tell my SDs Mum if we were going away for the weekend. We wouldn't if we were going away for the day probably, but not for nefarious means just because we wouldn't think of it and she wouldn't care. If we were thinking of doing something dangerous (like, water skiing or something!! Not that we do) then we would definitely discuss it. I think you reacted badly to your son going away for a day and so it wasn't discussed again. I can understand why you felt unnerved by it, but you will need to work hard to be reasonable so you can keep up lines of communication and engagement for the good of your son. It's not easy.

I think you may have a touch of seperation anxiety here, only because you mention about the possibility of something bad happening to your little boy. I think the issue was him being so far away and you not being able to help in the very low chances something did bad happen. And if it did by the sounds of it his dad and sm love him very much to take care of whatever would arise. Please try and relax and maybe look at the bright side at how your son has other caring parent/s who love him as much as you do to take on great family days out. I can see why you got anxious though, ive experienced it with my own children

Actually a court will say that it isn't her business unless out of the country or if it impacts her time.

It's all well and good being civil and courteous co-parents but when one or other of the parents reacts like the OP then it isn't possible. Imagine trying to do anything nice with your family, and having to tell your ex about it who you know will just cause friction and cause a scene? It only works if both parents can say "oh that sounds nice, enjoy, I look forward to hearing about it" or similar.

Too young for overnight trips?! My children were babies when we started going away!
My youngest can still remember being 2 and staying at cbeebies land hotel!

I think its fair that he informed you of plans so you know roughly where they are etc. But you don't have any say in what thsy do on their time.

Id look at it in a positive way that your son was included, and had a lovely time with his dad and family!

Are you maybe jealous that you didnt get to do these things with your son?

It would be nice if you had the type of coparenting relationship that he could mention it to you but since your first reaction seems to have been throwing your weight around then I wouldn't be inclined to tell you if I was him.

It would serve you well to improve your attitude toward coparenting, IMO. A good relationship between the adults in blended situations will only benefit the child.

I do think some of your ideas around a four-year-old going on holidays is a bit weird, too. Is there a chance that he didn't tell you because your reactions are a little...intense?

I think it is great that he is giving the child experiences that you obviously don’t want to go to because they are apparently situated at the ends of the earth a few hours away. And fitting them in before the child starts school which is very sensible.

Your ex only needs to tell you if they are taking the child abroad. I think it is lovely that your ex and his new family plan trips that include the son you had together.
Would you prefer your son to have not been invited and your ex just go with your sons sibling? Your son should not miss out because you have control issues. You may be the resident parent as far as maintenance goes but you share equal parental responsibility with your ex. Your ex can parent however they see fit. If you have safeguarding issues then fair enough, a night in a hotel is not a safeguarding issue

OP, I don't think the parent who has DC one extra night has the right to dictate what enriching experiences the other parent plans. You sound like there is some significant and unwarranted anxiety about you son's safety on your part and it might be an idea to seek some support with that. I think it is lucky that his father is providing a different experience of reality where overnight trips are treats and not something to be feared for upsetting a 'routine.'

I can completely see why your ex didn't mention the trip. It wouldn't be ideal for your son to accidentally over hear you saying some of the things you have said about his safety on your posts. Please get some help with your anxiety before it becomes your son's issue too, or he favours the more relaxed company of his father.

Worrying about a child spending a night at a hotel with his other parent is not a normal concern OP. I hope you find some help with this and that your child doesn't miss out on anything as a result.

He doesn't have to tell you or ask permission. Nice if he did just in case there was an emergency. My ex only has my girls EOW, and I have no idea what they have done til the kids tell me and only then if they want to tell me. Doesn't matter how long or often he has them you both have parental responsibility.

You're in the wrong he absolutely does not have to ask you permission to take what is also his little boy his child ( not just yours) before they go away somewhere.
If he took you to court they will tell you the same thing he can TELL you he is taking his son somewhere if he wants but he most definitely doesn't have to ask permission.
Father's have equal right to their child always remember that.

There is no difference in mum or dad you are both equal parents.
The reason you call yourself the main parent or this phrase is used is because you most probably take the child benefit.. dad is just as important in his sons life and good on him for taking him away he will of loved that .. sure you're not put out because you arnt taking him anywhere overnight .. think about it!

YABU, none of your business

Oh give over, it does not. He probably had a fantastic time

Im responding to this again as it boils my piss when mums im also a mum except one of a grown adult son who ended up in court because of his own ex with your attitude ...
Let me tell you provided all trips happen entirely during his agreed contact time he does not need your permission..
Just because your classed as the primary carer / default parent it doesn't mean you hold all the cards and control his movements with his son.
It just means the child benefit goes to you.
It doesn't mean you're more important or you're entitled to anything more or you have more rights BOTH parents are equal to a child's life you'll do good to remember that.

Perhaps the OP is afraid her son will end up as a Trainspotter/Heritage railway volunteer/writer of railway books?

Says he who met Rev Awdrey once

I wish we still had a smile/laugh reaction!

this must be the reason I now spend too much time travelling the country with 16 year old ds visiting trains. It was the childhood trip to Drayton manor to blame!

My husband has had a midlife crisis and behaved terribly. He started taking drugs behind my back for 8 months saying he needed it as an escape. His dad dies 3 years ago and his mother is still f. He has never confided in me and I have been single parenting the kids for 2 years because

What has that got to do with this thread?

If you’re looking for some support then start your own thread so people can see it and help.

I don’t know what the terms of your arrangements are but I had divorced parents growing up who had joint custody and they 100% had to tell each other if they were taking us away and the address of where (I remember many angry lawyers letters going back and forth before we could go on a bloody holiday with either!) but I don’t know if that was just for abroad trips or not.

I kind of know where you are coming from. I don’t think I would like it if my child was away somewhere that far overnight and I didn’t know about it. But might be more of a courtesy thing that you should do if you want to joint parent well- which my parents did not and it was seriously stressful for a child. Probably worth apologising and saying in the future you would just like to be informed if they go that far away/overnight for these kind of planned trips for your own peace of mind, and that obv you would do the same in return