AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

You think a 4yo is too young for overnight trips with their parent???

You sound like you may be bitter your son is out having fun with his Dad. He defo doesn’t need your permission, he has equal parental responsibility in the eyes of the law. Also a night away unsettled a 4 year old?!! My kids are 4 & 2 and love having nights in hotels or camping. We also take them on long haul holidays and they get over the jet lag way before us!

Your massively overeating and sounds like your depriving your child of having some fun. 4 is not to young for overnight trips! Saying that he should probably have give you the heads up but he shouldn’t have to ask permission for trips in the UK on his days. Your not his mum your his ex.

Wow. Is this a joke? There’s so many mums on here who would love for their exs to spend time with their kids, love them, have fun with them, spend money and time on them. In fact some would give their right arm to have a kind and considerate dad who does this. And here you are moaning your ex is a good dad? Are you jealous he took him and had fun and you didn’t/couldn’t afford to/cba?

I wouldn’t blame SM for posting in here why is my DHs crazy ex wife moaning we took Ss to Drayton manor!! Get a grip lol

This has to be joke, surely? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 jealousy springs to mind.

YANBU to expect to be informed. YABVVVU to demand "permission" though.

I do think it is reasonable for both parents to know where their child is in the country. However, you've probably got their backs up now by talking about "permission", so I think you will have to be quite contrite in the next conversation you have, where you can ask him, "please would you mind just letting me know if you take him away next time, and I promise to do the same with you if I ever take him away anywhere on my time, just so I know where he is if anything happened."

Also, YABVVVVU to think a 4 year old is too young for overnight trips away with their own parent. That's absolutely nuts.

It would be courteous of him to let you know where he is taking your son if leaving the area, certainly if for overnights.
But I believe the Law states that he can take your child anywhere in the U.K. without your permission. Leaving the country is different and he has to have your written permission for that.

Presumably your son is starting school in September ? Will this current arrangement continue if you never seeing your son at weekends?! you only ever getting The tired stroppy after school version of your son?

You’ve missed the part that the DF may not trust the mother, who had also got a new partner that he may not trust.

Would you trust a mother who outsources all the leisure time that her DS has, because she wants to relax with her new partner?

She can relax whilst her DS is at school, she doesn’t work, but no she wants to also relax at the weekend.

Mean whilst dictating how her DS should be parented when she’s not there? because she’s oh so busy ….. relaxing!

From the information I’ve read, the DF and SM are far better suited to life with a small child, they even gave up the last part of SM maternity leave to give the DS a great weekend.

100% unreasonable. What he does on his days is his business.
Its courteous for him to let you know they would be away so you know where DS is but he doesn't have to ask permission what to do on his days.

Now is the best time for going away before they start school. We did lots of going away in the few months before starting school as I was on maternity leave to make the most of time.

Oh, for God's sake. He's with his dad, and it's their time together. No wonder you're no longer together, ffs.

Overreacting - YABU.

I think it is worrying that you consider yourself "the main parents"

You are the overall caregiver, but you are not the main parent and you are not he boss of this situation. This is how you are coming across, whether you realise this or not and it is not a healthy way to be conducting yourself going forward

I'm not meaning to come across as harsh, but don't know how to write the words softly.

I have raised tow children solo from 5 years and 6 months pre birth, (he had an affair) so I have some knowledge of this type of situation. I had friends thankfully that were honest with me and told me how it was - so to be blunt I had to change my way of thinking, and take a long hard look at how I wanted the next 16 years to be as this was pre Mumsnet

Looking back yes my ex was an arse, but I did things that I could have handled better and was guided by friends to make wise choice for the sake of the children

if I was in your shoes, use kindness to get what you want not anger. Send a message to your ex and explain that you have thought about the situation and apologise for over reacting, say it would have been nice if you'd known but of course he is their dad and what a lovely trip to take them on. Consider it an olive branch and then you never know another time he might mention plans

you have another 12 years of this - make your life easy

You are being completely unfair you are 50/50 parenting. I’d say ex even more so as why on earth should he and his new wife never have a childfree weekend especially if he works all week?

and you should be taking your son away as well. Your ex has done nothing wrong here. You are the problem and I feel very sorry for him and new partner as they are covering all the harder days whilst you relax and don’t work?

I think a single night or 2 in a hotel unsettles a child’s routine at such a young age

The idea that a night or two in a hotel ruins a child's routine at age four is rubbish. We have taken plenty of holidays with young kids, both in the UK and abroad - and they always have a fantastic time.

I fucking hate reverses.

It would be good if communication was open enough that you’re aware.

In every other respect you are being ridiculous, however.

I would not be surprised if, once DS is in school, the Dad requests a 50/50 week on/week off arrangement and the gf (clearly not that new since they have a baby) steps up to do school pick-ups and drop-offs. They are probably already fed up of the "main parent" rubbish.

Nonsense. You can trust them to be a decent parent without thinking of them as a great partner. I know some people are not the type of person I would want as a friend but they’re great at their job as a teacher, and I’d trust them to look after my DC as a result. There’s an obvious division. And beside the by, this guy sounds like a stellar dad to me. Has his kid practically 50:50 and still pays CM - WHAT?! Plus takes his little boy on nice trips out.

Because she has that one extra night, she is legally the 'receiving parent.' Hopefully, he only pays the absolute minimum since he sits at the bottom threshold of Band 3. Honestly, he shouldn't be paying a thing, especially when he takes the kid on nice holidays.

You are over reacting

he is with his dad - quite safe. Having fun

I certainly don’t tell my Ex what we are up to each weekend

and saying 4 is too young for overnights

agree you set up is a little weird that every weekend is with dad. Tho you seemed more concerned and happy to be childfree at weekend so can be with your partner

If your Ex has parental responsibility of your child then he doesn't have to have your permission to take his child away for the weekend. Calmly ask him to let you know of future plans just so you're aware of where your child is but don't make it a big deal or make your Ex feel he has to run everything by you when he has his child with him. You'd not like it if you had to do that on your time so please don't expect him to either.

Children don’t need routines. They need fun. 3 and a half hours is not far away. I’ll drive further than that for lunch. I’ve gone 2 hours away to walk the dogs somewhere different.
It’s his Dad and he’s giving the child a good life while he has him. If you’re so boring, don’t be surprised if you child wants to stay with his dad full time

I can't believe you choose not to spend every weekend with your little boy so you can 'relax with your partner' and then call yourself the 'main parent' and feel like you have the moral high ground. Your son has been away with his dad and family. I hope you didn't ruin it for him.

Ah I have fond memories of Thomas. Sounds like he had a great time. I do think you need to consider why you have reacted quite strongly to this. your ex has not behaved unreasonably at all.