AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

Your ex has parental responsibility, just the same as you do. You are not the main parent, you just have him slightly more so get CM. Think how much he is also spending on your SHARED son for all the time he has him, as well as CM. More than you are I expect.

My DP's ex is like this, up DP's arse about everything, super controlling and wants to know his every move. She also kicks off when we do fun things with the kids and don't inform her (why should we?) mainly because she never does anything with her son herself, cos she can't be arsed and is happy to give him to us every weekend. I can't get my head around it but she makes us cringe with her behaviour on at least a weekly basis.

This, and I genuinely don’t understand why @Bluedeep wants CMS payments.

Referring to the father of her child as “someone” feels bizzare when he has the child 4 nights a week and is clearly an active, equal parent.

The arrangement should also be alternate weekends, not one parent dictating terms unilaterally.

To be honest, she comes across as quite controlling and selfish.

I was thinking the same thing. Poor little chap.

I'm a couple of days late to this thread and I doubt very much you're still reading responses, but I've been at the hospital all night with my partner who has cancer and is very ill. I use MN to take my mind off things and here you are fucking bellyaching about fucking NOTHING and creating problems that DON'T EVEN EXIST.

You get my first ever Grow the fuck up.

My thoughts are with everyone who has a genuine life-affecting situation to deal with today 🙏🏻

Maybe it’s time to either get a job or a hobby (assuming you’re able) so you stop being so overbearing.

And how is that necessarily picked up if a child is led to feel what happens when he is with the other parent is not one parents business, a child will pick up on that attitude.

A good parent teaches their children that respect and communication are important, children will learn how to model themselves on how their parents behave towards each other

I would never ever say to my ex it is none of your business how ds is when he is with me or what he is up to, and I would not expect him to say that to me and he never has. We do not get on, but we communicate what ds is up to (certainly when he was young), if he is poorly, going away and where, what a good time he had, a new activity that he really enjoyed as we are both his parents and both want to know how are son is what he is doing, nothing is hidden or not spoken about. That does not mean a full breakdown of exactly what they have done but a general idea is what should be expected from both parents

It would be polite to tell the parent of such a young child where their child is going to be. In both directions! So if you were taking him out of the local area it would be good to give his Dad a heads-up.

Ideally just for safety reasons -- so if, God forbid, anything goes wrong, your son's other parent has some idea of his whereabouts.

However it would be a heads-up rather than asking for permission. You couldn't stop him taking him anywhere in the country.

Could you just frame it as you'd just like to know where your son is if it's somewhere out of the ordinary? And that you'll do the same going forwards?

Also, taking the kid to stay in a Thomas-themed room at Drayton Manor sounds extremely sweet! Be grateful your kid has a Dad that does these kinds of things with him.

Your ex is his parent just like you are, he has every right to take him away for the night whilst he has him. If going out of the country, I think you should be advised, but ask for permission, absolutely not!
I'm sure your son had a fab time and he is lucky to be experiencing it, seeing as you think that he is too young to have fun!

It sounds like you have some anxiety about being away from your son and not knowing where he might be when he isn't with you.
That is understandable, however I would try to work on it as it sounds like your DS had a great time away and your ex hasn't done anything wrong (at least, in this instance.)

I don’t think the ex said it we none of her business??

what he did justifiably say is:-

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

And he is free to make plans on his days, that’s a fact!

Surely she should be used to it by now. Obviously been split up from son's dad for a minimum of 2 years

none of the op's business was a response I made to another post not a response to what the op had posted

What happens on dad’s time is up to dad. He doesn’t need to tell you or ask your permission.

you are being completely ridiculous

And another point being made over and over again is that the op should feel grateful that her child has a good father

the op should not have to feel grateful for this, and neither should their child, as this is also the message when we talk about nrp being involved in parenting and usually this is fathers

The op's ex appears to be a responsible father who is involved in his child's life - that is nothing a child or parent should be grateful for it is what should be expected not celebrated

Doesn't sound like anxiety to me at all tbh. She happily is away from the child Thursday- Sun every week so she can relax with her new partner.

She just sounds controlling and jealous of her ex.

You are being wholly unreasonable. His dad did a nice thing with him. Taking a 4 year old to Thomas Land for 2 days is 100% normal and lovely for a parent to do. He is his DAD and is allowed to make any plans he likes for him on his time.

While I think you need to relax a bit on your child going away I disagree with the very angry crowd on here, I think to co parent successfully anything big like this should at least be mentioned a bit in advance, if nothing so that if anything happens you’re not assuming all is fine when it’s not and other than that so you can ask your ds is he excited to be going away. At least and your ex need to start being civil to each other

I assume you tell him where his son is at all times and unequivocally ask him whether or not you can take him places before doing so? And, even if you do, his time, his responsibility. If not, you need to have a very good look in the mirror.

Do you ask your ex's permission for everything that you do with your son?

You share custody of this little boy, but sounds like you don't do anything fun with him like his Dad does as you never have him over a weekend in favour of your partner.

Your ex has him almost 50% of the time so to call yourself the main parent is very unreasonable.

To expect your ex to ask permission to do things with HIS son is very unreasonable.

If your ex had told you before the trips, would you have thrown a tantrum and said no?

She should be grateful that she gets all weekend to relax with her new partner (which she wants), whilst her DS is taken and funded going to lovely child centric places. She’s got a lot of co-parenting benefits, not working, paid maintenance, lots of relaxation time. She does not seem bothered about missing out of the joy of seeing the enjoyment on her child’s face at such things, so it’s not an issue. She just wants to fume and stamp her feet (whilst relaxing).

The child does not want in anyway need to be grateful, he’s just having a normal upbringing with normal childhood things.

So, yes I think OP should be grateful that someone is stepping in for where she is lacking.

Yes. I mean you don't want your son doing anything fun after all. He's not too young for a couple of nights away. My DDs were much younger when we used to go away for a weekend or whatever. It didn't unsettled them at all it was a nice break for them as well as us.
Are you just angry because DS is doing fun things with his dad?

If you feel he is a safe enough parent to have access he is a safe enough parent to to go away with!

you can ask your ex to let you know if they are planning a night out of town if it bothers you, but he isn’t obliged to keep you informed what he does with ‘his’ son on his 3 days a week imo.
Are you saying you want to just be kept informed or are you saying he can’t go as that’s the question you need to ask yourself

Your split is fine, it works for you both and your child.
The problem is you, you have to learn to trust your ex with your child. Your child is so lucky to have such an involved father.
The more your child is exposed to in life the rounder and easier a person they become.
You maybe need to ask that he lets you know if they’re doing anything special in the future. But don’t try to stop it or be difficult. Ultimately it’s good for your child.
You’re definitely a bit over protective

Who put you in charge? It seems he spends time with his dad nearly 50% of the time.